Hot Dog Store: These Babies Need Adult Supervision (Patreon)

Most children can't operate a can opener. Some of them don’t even know what a mortgage is. And not one child has defeated a gorilla in sanctioned combat.

That’s why we made better babies.

Please ensure you have adequate receptacles for cute puns and hunky buns.

Slap this shirt on and people will assume you are a proud parent. Then they look closer and realize the only family value represented here is upper-body mass, and by then it’s too late.

We also have it in a women’s cut because we know you like having options. It carries the same dangerous energy of the classic shirt, but with a relaxed fit for your pleasure.

Summer still has a few good punches left in it, so the tanktop gets one final warm-weather deployment.

But maybe your torso already has a full-time graphic. Good news: the babies are also available as a 24-by-36-inch poster. That’s six square feet of tidbit intelligence hanging silently in your home. Put it in an office and it becomes a leadership chart. Put it in a nursery and the nursery becomes an advanced training facility. This thing is unstoppable.

Once the babies are settled, open the vault and hire the least qualified childcare in human history: Puppet Week.

Get the shirts, get the tank, put the babies on the wall. Then enter the vault and find them a puppet-based enrichment program. Childhood is precious, but it is also extremely easy to merchandise.