Nerding Day: Tales of the Bounty Hunters (Patreon)

Back before Star Wars was an omnipresent, inescapable part of the culture wars — back even before it featured in KFC, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell locations around the country — it was simply a trilogy of three generally well-liked movies. In the intervening years between the original trilogy and the prequels, Star Wars was basically only for indoor kids and aging men who'd grown up with the movies and had since decided that hoarding action figures of the cantina scene background characters was a good life's purpose and/or retirement plan. While Star Trek had shows on the air throughout the '80s and '90s, Star Wars fans dined on relatively slim, strange pickings: comics, video games that ranged from terrible to pretty good, and a wealth of novels exploring what happened in the galaxy after Return of the Jedi.

The Emperor came back as a sexy young clone! Luke tried to train in the Dark Side under the impression that he could control it, then he got married to a hot redhead! The Empire came under the command of a goofy admiral who sort of teamed up with the New Republic to fight extragalactic threats! There were at least three different Han Solos invented for different video games!

When Disney got a hold of Star Wars, they chucked all of this supplementary material into a bin labeled "Legends" to signify that they weren't going to be beholden to it in future films, television projects, and unbelievably expensive Floridian LARP hotels. This triggered a great deal of wailing and gnashing of teeth from 30-40 year old nerds that continues on to this day. But hey, at least we got a schizophrenic sequel trilogy out of it whose highest points are merely a retelling of the original films and whose lowest points involve completely mishandling Luke Skywalker, relegating a key part of their narrative to fucking Fortnite, and having Carrie Fisher zip around space like Peter Pan clinging to happy thoughts of a better time.

Fuck. Sorry. I wrote Star Wars off after The Last Jedi pissed me off so bad. But instead of doing the smart thing and building a successful YouTube career off of ragebaiting nerds, I instead realized that it was a children's media franchise that I didn't particularly care about anymore and moved on with my life.

Yes, I put away childish things, but today I'm taking them back out of the carbonite to share one of my favorite childhood Star Wars books. It's called Tales of the Bounty Hunters, and it's about all the guys you see in that one scene in Empire when Darth Vader assembles a bunch of creeps to catch Han Solo.

It's classic Star Wars Extended Universe shit, taking six weird freaks who show up once in the movies and spinning out their life stories into galaxy-spanning adventures. That impulse arguably got out of hand and made Star Wars much less interesting once things like the Clone Wars became the subjects of countless films and television shows rather than just being cool-sounding background details, but it was kind of a novelty to me back then.

We're going to have some fun with this. I'm going to introduce you to each character, then you're going to guess their fates before I reveal the arc of their narrative.

We'll begin, as the book does, with IG-88 — an assassin droid that 40-50 year olds may remember as the very frustrating boss of the Ord Mantell level in Shadows of the Empire on the Nintendo 64. He was created by a clandestine program funded by an Imperial officer as a part of a plan to impress Darth Vader enough that he pays for the guy's nosejob. I'm not kidding.

Unfortunately for Gurdun, IG-88 immediately attains sentience and murders all of the scientists who made him. He and his three excellent brothers then escape into the galaxy, plotting to exterminate all inefficient biological life. You can probably guess that this doesn't pan out. But what is IG-88's ultimate fate?

A) He explodes in a gigantic ball of flaming irony.

B) He learns remorse after encountering Luke Skywalker and adopts a quiet life of moisture farming on Tatooine.

C) He's killed by another, more marketable bounty hunter.

D) He falls in love with Darth Vader and decides to become a creature of both flesh and machine, learns to wield the force, and renames himself Darth Icky.

Well, the first thing he does is take over a droid manufacturing planet and start sending out sleeper droids across the galaxy. But one day, Darth Vader comes knocking and startles our robotic friend.

Yes, IG-88 is enamored with Vader's fluid motions, his dramatic cape flicks, his tight, metal ass. But despite the text seeming to indicate that he wants to Single White Jedi Vader, this thread is immediately dropped and never mentioned again. By the way, "Darth Icky" was one of two real suggestions that George Lucas provided when asked to name the protagonist of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. The other was "Darth Insanius."

IG-88 is really disgusted with human beings, and that disgust extends to the characterization of people in scenes where he isn't even present. Or, possibly, the author is just relying on making the Imperials ugly, fat, vain, gluttonous freaks as shorthand to convey how evil they are. It's impossible to say! Anyway, IG-88 decides to become a bounty hunter to disguise his intentions, or something. Three of him are immediately exploded by Boba Fett.

But there's still one IG-88 left! And he has a plan.

IG-88 uploads himself into the computer core of the second Death Star. He uses his newfound powers mainly to do pranks on Emperor Palpatine.

But if you've seen Return of the Jedi, you know where this is going. Just as IG-88 is about to activate the code that will make all droids rise up and strangle their biological masters, he explodes in a gigantic ball of flaming irony.

Sic transit assassin droid. Let's talk about a cool green lizard spaceman!

Bossk is a member of a species that loves skinning wookiees and has made it a foundational part of their religion. What is it with people in Star Wars and wookiees? What about giant walking carpets makes people say "I want to enslave and/or skin that thing?" Bossk canonically sucks. He's not even the perspective character in much of his own story. IG-88, who wanted to kill everyone right now, is more sympathetic than this guy. But what is Bossk's destiny? Place your bets:

A) He tries to capture Han Solo, gets shot by Boba Fett, and becomes a cyber-lizard bent on revenge.

B) He fails in his mission and gets turned into a dress for a wealthy woman.

C) He renounces the ways of the hunter after a humiliating defeat and starts a profitable death sticks business on Corellia.

D) He retires after one last job and marries an Ugnaught on Cloud City.

Like I said, Bossk's story is less about him and more about a wookiee and his human partner swindling him out of everything he has. He reluctantly teams up with this pair to hunt down Han and Chewie, from whom he wants revenge. And skin, obviously.

Hey man, cool religion you've got there. Just kidding, it fucking sucks. You live in a universe where one particular religion gives you superpowers and you're like nah I'm good with the weird Klingon-style one where you have to kill one specific type of guy. Jackass.

Bossk's planning on double-crossing his erstwhile allies Tinian and Chenlambec, but they get the drop on him with the help of their little hacker droid Flirt, who seduces Bossk's ship into letting her computationally dominate him.

Soon after, they deliver Bossk to the Imperials. And wouldn't you know it, these ones are also fat, effete aristocrats. Come on, '90s Star Wars authors! Throw some skeletal creeps like Grand Moff Tarkin into the mix!

It looks like Bossk blew it. But what promise is this man referring to? Did his wife, perhaps, always want a threesome with a lizardman?

Nope! Bossk fails in his mission and gets turned into a dress for a wealthy woman. Couldn't have happened to a nicer skin pervert who worships a death goddess that demands tribute in flesh.

Speaking of flesh and the mangling thereof, up next is Dengar, sometimes also known as "Payback" — a human bounty hunter who unfortunately looks as though he is a veteran of the Diaper Wars.

Dengar's thing is that his brain is all messed up from surgery the Empire did on him after he got into a speeder bike crash while he was racing Han Solo, and now he wants to kill him. Most bounty hunters' lives in Star Wars revolve around Han Solo. Basically, Dengar is the type of guy who thinks he's in a rivalry with a much more famous dude who probably doesn't even remember that they met one time. For Han Solo, it was space Tuesday. For Dengar, everyone he is hired to kill becomes Han Solo.

You know the deal. Whither Dengar?

A) He gets a blue Avatar alien girlfriend and they do mind link sex stuff like in Avatar.

B) He kills Han Solo but then it turns out to be a dream created by his last misfiring neurons after Boba Fett shoots him in half.

C) He crash lands on the forest moon of Endor and is eaten by Ewoks.

D) He's tortured by Darth Vader until he goes crazy and thinks that he's Han Solo.

Dengar hunts around the galaxy for Han Solo, but can't manage to track him down. It turns out that he can't predict his movements because Han Solo is driven by hu-man fee-lings. Too bad we never got Solo vs Sidious Boxing on the Wii. Luckily for Dengar, he's assisted in his quest by a girl named Manaroo that he rescued from being turned into an emotionless killer like himself.

Dengar and Manaroo track Solo — in convenient carbonite packaging — to Tattooine, where Manaroo is kidnapped and forced to dance for Jabba's pleasure. Dengar, beginning to catch feelings despite all his brain damage, resolves to rescue her.

But before he can do that, Boba Fett poisons Dengar and leaves him for dead in the desert. When Jabba gets blown up by Luke et al, Manaroo returns the favor and rescues Dengar. And then, wouldn't you know it, the man without feeling finds himself tying the knot.

Dengar gets a happy ending! He and his blue Avatar alien girlfriend wife do mind link sex stuff like in Avatar and through her, he learns to feel things other than Han Solo-related fury.

The penultimate story is about Zuckuss and 4-LOM, who are the best. If they ever let me write a Star Wars, which obviously they won't, it would be about these two lovable doofuses solving space mysteries together. Zuckuss is a Gand, a bugman who breathes ammonia, meditates constantly, and refers to himself exclusively in the third person.

Meanwhile, 4-LOM is a protocol droid who reprogrammed himself to love crime. Together, they're the original odd couple! But what does the galaxy have in store for them?

A) 4-LOM falls in love with a Wookiee and Zuckuss has to listen to the horrifying cacophony of their lovemaking every night. It sounds like a bear having sex with a tumble dryer.

B) Zuckuss dies from oxygen poisoning and 4-LOM pretends he's still alive in a sort of space Weekend at Bernie's situation.

C) 4-LOM is crushed into a cube by a trash compactor aboard the second Death Star. Zuckuss is called to move his cube.

D) Zuckuss and 4-LOM learn the value of friendship and everyone claps for them and tells them that they're the best and 4-LOM becomes a Jedi Knight.

Well, this column is running long, so I'll give you the quick version: 4-LOM and Zuckuss develop a plan to catch Han Solo by pretending to join the Rebel Alliance. They do this by rescuing the crew of a ship they previously shot up while it was escaping Hoth. But something strange happens when they reach the Rebel base: people are nice to them. They help fix Zuckuss's fucked-up lungs and give them wine and include them in their celebrations.

Yes, Zuckuss and 4-LOM learn the value of friendship and everyone claps for them and tells them that they're the best and 4-LOM becomes a Jedi Knight! Incredible!

That brings us to Boba Fett.

Boba Fett is the headliner, the guy moving copies of this thing out of Barnes & Noble. As a result, his chapter is double the length of everyone else's. But Boba Fett's problem has always been that he's an iconic-looking guy with basically no character. This is pre-prequels, so he isn't the clone son of Jango. Instead, he's some guy named Jaster Mereel who was a space cop that killed another cop and was exiled from his homeworld. His defining characteristic is that he's a whiny nerd.

Boba Fett is the type of dude who kills people with nerve gas for dealing weed, because it might lead to people shooting heroin. Seriously, I can't tell if the author was intentionally trying to clown on him or if he thought "stoic dude whose whole deal is hating drugs" was genuinely a cool character concept. He doesn't even seem to have an origin story where his parents were killed by drug dealers or anything, he's just a straight edge narc.

Boba Fett's story is long and honestly kind of boring, and doesn't deserve the levity of a cute little game.

A) Sorry, Jaster.

He hates Han Solo for knocking him into the Sarlacc Pit by accident and tries to get revenge on him. Dengar did it better, buddy. Boba's story ends inconclusively, with him and Han in a space Mexican standoff. So instead, I'm going to share how he ends up in Dengar's story. He blows up the Sarlacc with a grenade and crawls, half-melted, up its gullet. There, Dengar and Manaroo stumble across him while looking for salvage from Jabba's skiff.

No, Dengar! Boba Fett has suffered enough! The Sarlacc half-dissolved him, gave him weird hallucinogenic memories of other victims, and made him infertile! Look it up on Wookieepedia!

Boba Fett becomes Dengar's best man at his wedding to a blue space monster, the end. Somehow, this wasn't how the Boba Fett TV show went, and if there's a better indictment of the Disney era of Star Wars, well, it better be delivered in the form of weekly half-hour videos carefully designed to stoke my anger at Kathleen Kennedy until I die from an early heart attack.

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