Fucking Day: The Sexual Coffees of Zalman King (Patreon)

Well heres another truth and precept did you all know about which is: Sex Sells. I probly dont need to explain it, it just means that 1) commercials work and 2) if you make people horny with your commercials it works even better. Which I dont really like that thats the case for either of those but ‘round here we try to tell the truth, so instead of kickin and fightin back against this one, maybe lets just skip ahead to the acceptants part and say: its a fact that them tryin to sell things are gonna at some point try and involve our arousal functions in their endevers, and yes it can be a bummer, but that dont mean we cant be curious and open to the possibility that even this rank and transactional advertisin situation still maybe could have some artful transcendents. Thats excitin right? Here lets start with takin a look at a sex sells commercial from old-timey days gone past:

Hey thats fun its our brothers in 1-900, the rock band Warrant! Nothin too explicit here…“Alot of other things too”, well that could just be that Warrant gets up to a buncha fun things when they visit different cities, like a splash fight on those swan boats!

But now well we dont often hear WARM and HARD together like that, I think there’s a chance this fella might be eludin to the very penises of him and his bandmates here.

Haha okay so were not even pretendin anymore, yikes can you imagine what youd’ve actually heard if youd called that number? Well my word look at this: somebody actually called it and recorded it and it made its way to our internet, its hard sometimes to deny that there are actual miracles among us:

Except I cant really understand very many of the words are theyre saying but somehow that does not at all diminish the general feelin of gross greasy sleazy and good lord that scratch and sniff gig poster is gonna put me right off my fruit-scented markers. Back to the commercial itself:

Well god bless the child that actually asked their parents permission that is a type of innosents we must all fight to protect. But hm alright so: 2 dollars for the first minute and .45 for each additional, that means if you have a $5:00 a month 1-900 allowance you can either listen to 8 minutes of Warrant cajolin for blowjobs or get a bunch of primo comedy articles, (they always say one delivered every weekday but whoevers writin the weekend merch emails is makin them well worth the readin). So I aint judgin your choice, but remember: Heavenly Father will.

So lets agree the 1900 WARRANT sex line is maybe the bottom rung of our the sex sells ladder and reach are arms and eyes higher, to a more sophisticationed and tastefull example of the horny commercial genre. Some of you might be ahead of me here and smilin in knowin anticipation of how were gonna talk about a odd example in our enstoried cultural history of…

Sexy Coffee advertisemants.

Now not that french kiss one up there (although that persons face angles are honestly very compellin) and NO NOT the “home for christmas” brother sister folgers commercial what unfortunately left a high level of, lets say, ambaguity about the nature of there affection

which our modern pervert inclinations were only too happy to fill in the blanks.

And no no, not the Nestle Gold Cup serialized commercials where Nigel from Buffy and the british lady from macgyver just smolder at each other in understated flirtitions and pull off a whole real good-written and -acted romance in only twelve 45 second commercials.

Honestly? when Tony and Sharon finally kissed? I swooned. and apparently i wasnt alone because they remade all the ads with the same actors doin american accents and also paid a very lucky writer to make this:

Now thats not a “how they made the commercials” book, thats a actual novelization of the love story! where finally we get to hear the internal dialogue of Tony and Sharon and their backgrounds and to my eyes it looks like a nother good stress test of my local innerlibary loan system’s reach and capabilities.

BUT ANYWAY focus up people swat away these competin erotic coffee tv commercials from your vision and look here close at what is our actual prize for the day:

Now I know that might just look like old weird instant coffee thats mostly corn syrup solids but go ahead and either put on or take off your glasses, which ever makes you feel smarter, to look closer and observe the INTERNATIONAL nature of this beverage powder. Switzerland, Italy, and Austria if you dont know are European places which means automatically very sophisticated. In fact, I tried to photoshop my typical jaunty comedy angle on that above photo and it just outright refused to be anything other than straight up and down good posture, its simply that well bred. If your of a certain age you might kinda remember the “Celebrate the moments of your liiiiiiiiiiiife” lil jingle ads for these or if you were a ‘ticularly urbane child, like a kid from a newbery book, you might have enjoyed the commercials for these featuring mature actors in mature settings with mature themes. They started off in the 70s and at first actually in europe with a europe lady and lookin like a hammer horror movie

But, much like aerosmith, they really found their full flower and bloom as time passed into the 80s, as we are about to see. Along the way, I invite you to choose which flavor is most sooted to your ‘ticular tastes and pallet:

Ooh but not just plain old dairy-bar soft-serve vanilla this is A LA FRANCES you filistine, and look who we’ve got drinking it:

My my just look at all that wicker and floral. You might have seen this one, its two good lady friends enjoying some soft lighting and french vanilla flavours and odours and reminiscin together about the trip to

france they took together: the oo-la-la cafes and pastries and those cheeses that are very expensive but you know are worth it ‘cause they smell like tent-sex and…

…all those garsones they banged! Simultameously, one assumes, from the unison there. To me its extra nice that the friendship survived a youthful “household of three”, Y Tu Mama Tambien taught us that that is sadly not always the case. Also LaRene recognized holy shit that’s Amy Steel. So yes: this was the extra grown-up spin that made these commercials and coffee so successful: all of em real tasteful and subtle-like told us a dirty story but with excellent plausable deniabilty. “Im not buyin this coffee because of how the commercials made me feel funny in a good way, down there. No no, Im buyin it because I am a appreciator of the internationale you see.” In fact, youll have to work pretty hard to convince me that these didnt influence the œvre of hot dog’s favorite ærotica ꜷtᵫr: Zalman King.

Yeah, exactly.

Okay, but perhaps the vanilla and the hon hon hon with the restaurant staff is perhaps not exactly to your specific tastes and pleasures? Let us then spelunk together into another flavorsome cavern:

Yes that is the best picture of that one I could find, sadly society has decided that a preservin the full range of offerings from general foods is of a lower archival priority than the Warrant answering machine sex skits. In the commercial for this one we have some additional attractive ladies gettin together to discuss: What does it taste like!?

Well well well,okay that eyebrow lift makes it little saucy but honestly still pretty sweet, what do you other ladies think?

Ooh, very nice contribution, watch out Meatloaf doesnt steal that one for lyrics! Anybody else?

Wait what? No, I know what bosco is, we all remember it from seinfeld and yes we all know how it originally was called Bosco Milk Amplifier and how the name recalls the Ancient Greek word βόσκω (bóskō), "I nourish."[citation needed]. But are you just allowed to use other brand names in your commercials like that? That’d be like me turning to the camera and sayin “Why not try new Garlic Parm Doritos? With a heckacious burst of tuscan flavor, like drivin a Subaru Justy into the mornin sun.” And then I eat one in one bite like they do and suggestivly wipe my fingers on my flannel. Shit, that’d probly sell some chips actually, ok I get it now.

The influence this one had on Zalman King is almost too obvious, but just in case:

NEXT FLAVOUR INTERNACIONALE!

It aint a rule or nothin, I aint tellin you what to do, but it is fun to say it “Sweese”. If you want to.

Oh my gosh its Lea Thompson! This one might not seem sexy because that other lady is her mom but we all know that Lea will not turn down a role just cause it happens to be a lil incesty. “Sound Off” in the comments on if youd rather sit down with your mom and watch Lea 1) bite her lip at her son or 2) feel up howard the duck!

Zalman?

No thats not a reach, she was in Space Camp, remember?

EN AVANT!

Alright here we have for the first time a male performer joining our troupe!

Will his male presence extinguish all libido, like thomas middleditch at a sex club?

Oooh, not at all, he has prepared a surprise for his lady pard, what could it be! Oh right its just the coffee. She isnt disappointed at all though, she loves it and she has a surprise for him right back:

Irish Lingerie! Of course the grumpy ol FCC would never let them show what surely happened next: him pooh bearin around that pastel apartment with his proud gaelic phallus just out twitchin and searchin until she, like Kathleen Turner in Body Heat, reaches out to take his Insherin member in hand and guide it to her pot of gold.

And Zalman King knows from sexy sweaters you guys, here take a look at him partyin it up in a flirty lil reindeer number in the beloved 1977 film Blue Sunshine.

Yup, thats just another real good example of the General Foods International Coffee commercials havin a solid and incontrovertable link to Zalman King, and not at all that i maybe got over my skis a bit when I pitched that idea for an article and now i’m really havin to stretch here to to pull it off. Dont worry tho, even tho this hoss maybe aint who I thought she was when I got up into the saddle, I feel like me and her are gettin in agreement about how to get over an’ across this mountain together, albeit not without great tragedy, about which the mormons of the west and there neighbors will lament and ponder in meditation and art, including Dale Ballard, right now workin as a manager at the Soda Crazy in Layton, UT, on his breaks, in grease pencil on baking parchment, for many years now to come.

Look, I been readin a lot of Tom’s Crossing alright.

SEGUIMOS!

Alright back to all ladies, who do we have here:

Hahaha that is too funny! Let’s sigh happily and continue our gettin to know each other conversation.

The classic female fantasy. A cute new neigbour moves in and her brother is hot. “Tom Key is your brother!? Do you like chocolate?” you say, knowing that she’ll understand what your really saying is “Tom Key is your brother!? I always wanted to fuck him!”

The kettle comes to a boil.

Huh. My puzzler is for real a bit sore on this one. I’m pullin on every last trick here, I got up and stretched and thought on it, I took Rabbit for a walk and thought on it, I took a break and asked LaRene how is she likin her volleyball anime (we play down at the park every wednesday in the summer). and then thought on it some more. I’m drawin hard on on every last bit of my erotic intelligence and imagination here and this fish is still fightin me on the line. What is the story!? Is it plausible deniability again? Like her and the neighbor are gonna have sexy girl playtime but not like THAT because their both thinking about boys? Its just like practicing kissing. But thinkin about your brother whilst kissin a girl who you know is also thinkin about your brother? Or the writer was tryin to thinkin of a romance where the woman gets to get with her college crush after she meets his sister but they messed up and made the wrong part of the story sexy? That can happen honestly. I asked LaRene to watch it and she said its not sexy its just dumb but she dident watch all the other commercials and hell, she aint even seen past season 2 of Red Shoe Diaries (Trayton has Robotics Club in the evenings now and we’re enjoying having some time alone in the house). I told her that cant be right this is a very straightforward article its about how sex sells and heres some weird coffee commercials that do it and ergo that gave us Zalman King, here listen to this Warrant sex message but she already went back to the tv room.

I’m at a loss here. I am surrounded by darkness, confused and afraid. I am enhumbled and, lackin in wisdom, know that I must ask of Him, the King in Heaven, that giveth liberally and upbraideth not.

Zalman? Zalman are you there!? I beseech thee, Zalman, answer this, my pitiful and only prayer! What is the sex story they are tryin to tell me to sell me orange cappuccino instant coffee here!?

You know what thats close enough.

In the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Dean Costello, who can identify every International Coffee flavor by the sexual situation it implicitly describes.

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