Upsetting Day: Run Hide Fight (Patreon)

Run Hide Fight is a Daily Wire film turning tragedy into braindead propaganda. No, too many words, starting over. Run Hide Fight is a Die Hard about school shootings. Still too wordy. The summary shouldn’t take more thought than the script. It goes against nature.Try this:

There we go. Why didn't someone tell me?

Have the last five years meant nothing? Did I choke down the entire Blondie franchise for people that don't care? I see piss spells in my sleep now, and didn't get a handwritten notice about Run Hide Fight? What are we even doing?

Run Hide Fight has waited for me since 2021. So much lost time. With training from Run Hide Fight, I could've taken 2026 head-on. I’d have lost half my sanity, tops. But you couldn't stand to see me shine. The tall poppy had to fall, right? Well, today’s my comeback. Get ready for black excellence.

Well, get ready for Run Hide Fight.

It’s a long road to page twenty.

I should call today’s worst sin the half-hour stretch of kids getting misted. And yeah, that bit's unfortunate. But there’s endless air around the spree and payback. This is Run Talk Hide Talk Fi–Psych Still Talking. There’s denser action on Uvalde bodycams.

I’m not fond of the love story.

Run Hide Fight lasts just under two hours. Forty minutes of that, tops, covers the sin promised. The rest is the fossilized memory of prom, Quillette pullquotes, and an endless monologue about wedgies.

A good idea couldn’t survive that, and this is Columbine fanfiction. There's two Krillins of reaction shots in Run Hide Fight, and six Summerslams of commentary. While I can’t imagine a good teen snuff film, I’m sure it'd at least move. It's sick to bore and traumatize the same audience.

I’m really not fond of the love story. This man’s the bottom of blerd sidekicks. It’s like Peter Parker got bitten by a Black Republican. After three stints in the Ivies, I’ve never seen blonde withdrawal this bad. It’s tempting to give The Daily Wire points for integration, but I’m not giving them points for anything.

And Run Hide Fight bets a lot of screentime on sympathy for him. The returns are dismal. Almost as dismal as betting you haven’t seen Die Hard, or won’t notice swapping “Christmas” for “prom.”

Two. Hours. At this length, I have to type something for the first time. I don't expect you to forgive me. But someday, I hope you'll stop hunting me.

This movie should have more dead kids.

Holy lawn darts, that's a lot of dead kids.

When it recalls the premise, Run Hide Fight can't mulch kids fast enough. It's like the gore's already a week late, and Run Hide Fight has to hand something in to graduate. While the Jokester rambles about kill quality over quantity, he's clearly after a Team Deathmatch record.

It’s a fine lesson in procrastination. If the Jokester spent less time plagiarizing /b/ and more time no-scoping his homeroom class, Run Hide Fight would be a sketch.

Then there's his plan, which involves getting caught. The Jokester wants the siege of AP Bio streamed in full by his victims, in order to prove something about the system and Twitter and that neat-looking grid kids multiply with now. There are six competing explanations, because Adobe overcharges for Premiere. The Daily Wire considers open source software Communism, so not one scene’s been cut. I hope they figured out Da Vinci Resolve for Infidels, but I'm braced for a three-hour viewing.

It's traditional, in film autopsies, to cover holes in story logic. What's the fucking point? The Jokester’s a wizard. He peered into a crystal bullet, and saw everything Real America would try for the first hour. But only the first hour. Then he flames out like The Daily Wire during a Moscow blackout.

Our hero's a kid trying to avoid becoming a headline. Strong motive, right? It'd take some Snyder-level magick to dick that up.

I'll start with the mom-ghost.

Holly's grieving, since the film's two emotions are rage and bleeding. Her mother died of something—I was texting a dentist—and now she’s cursed. Unless, of course, she can defeat the Four Trench Coat Generals. I made up that name, but I didn't make up the content. Her mother's phantasm really talks to her, constantly:

And looks healthier (was it cancer? don't care) every time Holly shoots a shooter. In a bad faith review, I'd say killing gets Holly Sr. closer to heaven. So it's rude of Run Hide Fight to say that, loudly. Mom needs Holly to let go so that she can pass on, and that means confirmed kills. Charon’s only taking scalps today.

After a day or two of laughing, you might get reflective. Not recommended. There's a gap between where Run Hide Fight aims, and an ensouled human response.

See, our catharsis for the school shooting? The thrilling arrow of justice? Zoey shooting/exploding the trenchcoat kids. Which is, you know, footage of a child shooting a child in a classroom. Or a hallway. Or for one lucky alt-girl, prom balloon storage. So really, another school shooting. They’re competing, like Splatoon.

Now, I know the difference between a holiday heist and kickass justice. The art of action is turning off the reflective part of my brain. Run Hide Fight just falls on its keys. Every go America scene feels like one of next week's headlines. It's a basic, concept-level problem they should've planned for on page one. Instead, the Jokester’s vague allusions to bisexuality are meant to buy Holly sympathy. His monologue almost gets there, but it's too thin for me to retain.

Propaganda really deserves better.

Actually, I'll make one apology. Not to you, traitor. To Run Hide Fight. Propaganda has a target and a thesis. Run Hide Fight doesn't play that. While consistently reactionary, it's all muddled and wandering. It's not really about more sheepdogs in schools. We drive by that idea, and then it's gone. In fact, The Jokester blows up a squad of gung-ho sheepdogs seconds after the urine above.

Hell, the Jokester has a bit about getting guns being "shockingly easy." It's his best line, and an accident. Jokester speeches are pure free association. While the actor has fun (honestly, I hope he gets to be in a second anything), the result’s a conservative tract flip-flopping on the second amendment.

It really makes all the child murder hard to enjoy. Run Hide Fight uses a hard didactic tone to off more kids than DOGE, but there’s no reason to smother US Aid. Just a vague gesture at patriotism, followed by credits. I guess The Daily Wire likes small caskets for their own sake.

I'm stuck on one scene.

After a century or two of monologuing, The Jokester spies a Real American (less sheepdog, more martyr), and lobs her a question: "Do you believe in God?"

A classic. I'm a few years too young for the original misquote--I was more into Cardcaptors reruns at the time. But before heathen professors asked jacked marines to prove getting punched sucks, Dylan Kleibold asked that question in chain letters across a grieving nation. And that myth had velocity. Odds are your favorite aunt thinks Kleibold said "Do you believe in God?" before spraying a living saint. You can see why Left Behind took off: Baptists are thirsty for good fiction.

Thirty shooters past Columbine, this line quietly retired with welfare queens and enhanced interrogation. So it’s nice to hear it again. Is this nostalgia? I dig it. Ah, to be young, and see your first mass shooting or resource war. To squint at a White House report of flawless military victory. To watch the economy chase a scam everyone sees and hates into the sea. Cherish these moments, children. They never stop.

Anyway, Mother Theresa Jr. says "Yes." The Jokester skips riffing for once, to ask "Why?"

I call that the “John Galt Theory of Divinity.”

Run Hide Fight has another stance. Theresa stays firm and answers "Free will." And dies for it. Or lives, I was still texting a dentist. The entire film’s an unedited chain letter, so the details get fuzzy.

That answer sounds vapid, but Theresa answered my question before I could ask it. Run Hide Fight exists because of Free Will. The Lord gave mankind film, and left us to shoot what we wished. We picked Run Hide Fight, so no whining when the flood starts.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Devon the Rogue Supreme, the first hostage negotiator ever fired for asking the gunman to get to the fucking point.

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM