Hot Dog Appreciation Day: Heathcliffs, Cocktails, and Hot Dans Ahoy! 🌭 (Patreon)

Welcome, 🌭s, to your day of appreciation. We’re awesome. We know that. We know it so hard it causes problems in our personal and professional lives. But did you know you’re awesome? Because if you didn’t, we will now prove it definitively. We’ll shove your fucking face in how awesome you are until you suffocate and die from it.

First let’s grab an old tire for sittin’ and another old tire for burnin’ and let’s check in on Sissyneck corner, where the Satanic Panic hits a little different.

See, that’s actually kind of wholesome. Really glad Satan could make a positive change in those women’s lives. That’s really what the Devil’s all about: Helping you come to terms with your own sexuality. Ryan Unruh can testify to that.

Mike T thinks it’s unforgivable -- unforgivable -- that Lydia Bugg lost Seanbaby’s Book Game to ONE TIME UNDEFEATED CHAMPION Robert Brockway. For that one time, he was undefeated. Where’s the dishonor in losing to a champion, Mike?

We harnessed all the influence of the Dogg Zzone 9000 to distribute the madness of Heathcliff to the masses, and it affected some worse than others.

“Some” being PittyParty, let’s not be coy.

Bill D asks the important questions about the Kool-Aid Man, and Fatamatician does not have the answers. Only more questions. More questions and a quiet longing that will never fully dissipate.

Matthew Bielanski makes the terrible mistake of speaking Hot Dan the Mustard Man’s curse aloud:

Now his tongue will only tell lies to people he loves, and truth to his enemies.

Let’s hop on over to the Discord for a mature and reasonable conversation about robotic prosthetics and their implications for the disabled.

Alphart Scientist Javo dug up what is possibly the most racist 1930s comic book, despite that being the highest bar ever set.

You will never find weird garbage that Seanbaby doesn’t already own. If you do, it simply appears in his library complete and catalogued. Weird garbage is drawn to weird garbage on a quantum level, and Seanbaby’s garage is the weird garbage black hole.

The Heathcliff madness continues to echo around the Discord, amplifying itself into a roaring din that can only be blocked out by Heathcliff Brand™ Ham Helmets.

We also set Cocktails loose upon you and wow, this has been a fortnight, huh? Real fortnight for weird garbage. All this happened in the last two weeks? That can’t be right. Time is accelerating and there are very real consequences to adrienne the barbarian’s brain.

LordMo, our very first Arch-Shill, used that unfathomable power to somehow make a clown car even more illegal:

hobbes solves the age-old mystery of the Great Pyramid’s construction:

And brings us melodramatic pro-cop ads pulled from second-tier pornography.

Finally Literary Chimera, Porn Mercenary did some above and beyond 🌭  Journalism and discovered that Big Bird, in many cultures, is actually a mythical figure that leads children into sewers where they are never seen again, but can be heard giggling if you put your ear to a broken toilet while whispering their name.

Everybody knows there are no winners if you use drugs, but nobody told Literary Chimera, Porn Mercenary that. Congratulations! Yes, for teaching us that Sesame Street is a sublevel of hell in Brazil, Literary Chimera, Porn Mercenary will now take custody of the greatest art that mankind has ever created. Surely they’ll take better care of it than Ferroday, who almost can’t be blamed for doing this...

And yet, Ferroday will be blamed. Ferroday has now become the ScapeApe, and will automatically accept all blame for the confusion and despair that Heathcliff comics spread across this Earth. It’s kind of like a personal Purge scenario, or maybe it’s more like The Running Man only the whole world is Buzzsaw and Ferroday is Buzzsaw’s crotch. In any event, your clock starts…. NOW. Bets are open!

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We’ll fire up the pixelated clown car and the ol’ Turbophallus 3000.