Nerding Day: The Rainbow Strikes! (Patreon)

In 1941, Centaur Comics introduced Rainbow, a superhero with no powers, no motive, and a costume that would get you ostracized in Brazil for making Carnival too gaudy. His career spanned seven pages, began with his girlfriend emasculating him, and peaked with him jumping out of the bushes to yell “Boo!” at a man with a tommy gun. Rainbow didn’t fear death, because the Grim Reaper was embarrassed to be seen with him.

To give you a full account of his adventures would be to write less than I already have. Nevertheless: Jim Travis, “college graduate,” visits his girlfriend Elsie, and promptly ignores her to read comic books. He announces his intent to become a real-life superhero, and she tells him no way could he ever be a he-man or even dress himself properly. Ouch.

Vowing to serve justice to naysaying, fem-domme shrews everywhere, Jim waits until night, then “hunts for a suitable costume.” So either he found an all-night costume shop or— and this is definitely what happened— broke into a small business and stole the swashbuckling pirate-spaceman outfit that makes him feel strong. Maybe he left money on the counter, I don’t know how these college graduates do things at Yalevard. All I know is 100% of the crime committed so far in this book is by our superhero.

Please note that his “he-man” secret identity is based on the icon of childlike joy, and his costume neglects orange, indigo, and violet; Elsie was right about him on both counts.

Meanwhile, “A girl” and her “small brother”—who looks like Steve Rogers pre-super-soldier serum—hastily pack their luggage. To no avail! They are kidnapped by gangsters, led by the constantly snickering Black Rufus.

Or maybe some avail, because Rainbow happens to be stuck on a roof across the street. From there, things take a decidedly Batman turn as a guy named Rainbow uses the shadows to batter the thugs. Assisted by the small brother, whose name is Tommy, and A Girl, who is a girl, he irresponsibly and perilously dangles Black Rufus over a cliff.

His adventures end forever with this panel:

We can very safely assume that beginner’s luck failed Rainbow on his next adventure. This was a man with no training or experience in acrobatics, investigation, or combat using all of those things to assault heavily armed gangsters. The happiest possible ending to Jim’s story is he read the account of his own exploits and died of boredom.

But what really happened that day? There’s something more to this story. For the glaring white light of reality may be broken down into many possible colorations called truth. Come, imaginauts! Take my moist hand and blaze a wild dream called Rainbow.