Learning Day: The Starseed Oracle (Patreon)

Great news everyone, a new kind of insane person just dropped. I feel like I'm on the front end of this trend, but it's probably not that new since I discovered it at Joann Fabrics. Yes, I was at my local Joann's picking up my regular weekly supply of industrial-strength glue and a three pound bag of Jordan Almonds, the only food available exclusively at craft stores because it's not technically food when I came upon a book section. Nestled between thrilling titles like Absolutely Gorgeous Doilies, Crochet Honoring Our Veterans, and I Can't Believe I'm Knitting Socks! was this:

Was I buying tarot cards? Kind of. It turns out the Starseed Oracle is tarot cards for lazy reincarnated aliens. One of the main tenets of belief in Starseed appears to be that if you find out about Starseeds, you are a Starseed. Therefore I am a Starseed, and I've just made you one too! Take that! You're the ghost of an alien, loser, probably one of those weird Star Trek ones with a butt and vagina on their head.

Let me back up. What exactly does being a Starseed mean? Well, congratulations! It means within your mortal meat cage resides the reincarnated soul of an alien. According to the manual that came with the set of oracle cards, "It's believed by some that the unconscious ways in which humans have been living on Earth (war, terrorism, separation, killing, disrespecting nature and animals, being mean to Lil Nas X) led the planet to send out a call to the cosmos and waves of Starseed souls answered."

This theory presumes that pretty much all alien souls are better than human souls, which I frankly find offensive. I bet some Ed Hardy ass aliens are out hot-rodding around the universe in a spaceship with a super loud muffler. The Starseed Oracle disagrees with me, though. All Starseeds are good people who are meant to improve the Earth, and once they are awakened, they "find it hard to have meaningless conversations, jobs, and relationships."

That's right, I've sucked all of the joy from your life by awakening you to your Starseed status. You can't even enjoy the rest of this pointlessly fun article. Get out of here and go rescue the rainforest, nerd.

Right away, the idea of Starseeds is taking one of the most unbearable personality types, people who think that they are so smart and cool the only thing that makes sense is they're the ghost of an alien, and feeding them a bunch of delicious, ego-boosting bullshit they do not need! Then it goes on to tell them, oh, also being an alien ghost gives you magic powers. It's a seamless marriage of science fiction and new-age fantasy, like if L Ron Hubbard and Enya had a baby that sucked.

To activate these oracle cards, you have to do a ritual where you raise the box to the stars and humblebrag about being related to the moon (IDK if you've heard of her). It's very long and involved, and if you try to do it at an Arby's, they will for sure throw your ass out, just FYI. Here's a copy which you can read if you want to hear a lot about your "inner temple," which is absolutely slang for vagina.

I actually performed the entire attunement, so my Oracle card readings are one hundred percent Moon Approved. You're probably wondering how the cards work? Do you have to memorize a whole bunch of complicated interpretations of each individual card, like with tarot? Nope! This is star science, not some cute magic trick.

According to the manual, "These cards were created to provide a structure that will help you connect with the portal and wisdom of your own heart and soul." So if your soul tells you that pulling the Sea Of Mintaka card means you should key your boss's car, you should absolutely key your boss's car! That's the magic of being a Starseed. Fun fact: nothing bad has ever come from blindly following impulses sent to you by cosmic portal.

One last note about the manual before we get into the actual cards: there's a lot in the book about how beautifully illustrated the cards are, and they are not! I've seen many really pretty Tarot decks and Tarot drawings and these cards are horrible looking Photoshops. I'm pretty sure I could recreate them in Canva, which is Photoshop for people who don't know exactly what a vector is (me).

It would be easy for me to print up a few of my own cards, sneak them into the stack and then donate the box to Goodwill. I doubt anyone would even know the difference! Here, let me try.

The formula for the art on each card is a hodgepodge of things that seem vaguely mystical, plus a lady, plus stars. Sometimes it's even less than that. Sometimes it's just space whales!

I often find myself wondering about the ideas behind the illustrations. Like, why is there no Earth in the EARTH SCHOOL card? It's a lady flying through space like the Goop version of Superman.

I'm sending you to Earth School sounds like something Hulk Hogan would say as he tosses his opponent out of the ring. Learn to respect Mother Nature, Star Brothers!

Each card has an explanation for its meaning right on the bottom of it, which is why I call it the lazy person's tarot. You don't have to consult the manual or exert the energy to make up an explanation for the card. It's right there, telling you what's up. Although, at a certain point, the explanations for the cards become word salad.

"Devotion. Potency. Make your life a moving prayer. Pleiades energy. Visionary. Inspired ideas. Bon Jovi. Nantucket. Soy Sauce."

I guess that's the part that your Starseed soul needs to interpret? Quick: what does "Light body. Crystal grid. Transmission. Activation" mean? My soul is telling me the cards say I should eat more vegetables? Lame. That can't be right.

The manual does contain soul inquiries and Starseed activations for each card in case you're not clearly receiving your Starseed messages. For instance, the YOU'RE NOT FOR EVERYONE card comes with the Starseed soul inquiry of, "How can you embrace your weirdness and not care so much about what other people think?" Gee, I don't know, alien ghost tarot. I, the person who purchased these cards, obviously care a lot about whether or not other people think I'm weird.

The two women who made these oracle cards are pretty much what you would expect. Rebecca Campbell is a self-help writer who wears a lot of flowing shawls. Danielle Noel "creates intuitive wellness pieces for spiritual practitioners and seekers." Together they formed a spiritualism Devastator so powerful it was able to kick down the doors of the heartland's most grandma-oriented craft store.

Sorry, I still can't get past the Joann Fabrics of it all. This deck must have been at least somewhat popular to make it onto the shelves there. It was popular enough that Campbell and Noel are making a sequel called The Moonchild Tarot.

I don't think there's any space ghost lore attached to this. According to themoodchildtarot.com "While the Starchild Tarot is Superconscious, galactic, and otherworldly, the Moonchild Tarot is Subconscious and grounding, acting as a new conduit of deep introspection."

If you understood what that meant, you're probably a Starseed. Or a Moonseed? Does the moon have seeds too, maybe? Hang on. I'm consulting the deck to see where exactly all of the seeds are? Aw man, I just pulled the Hulk Hogan card again. What does it mean, brothers!?