Nerding Day: Snipes or Blade? (Patreon)

I have a theory that Wesley Snipes is what would happen if Nicolas Cage were black. Now, hold on - you’re not allowed to be mad yet. Pay very close attention to how I phrased that: I am not saying Wesley Snipes is the black Nicolas Cage. And I’m sure as fuck not saying Nicolas Cage is the white Wesley Snipes. Motherfucker wishes. I know they’ve both done hilarious airplane action movies and lost their minds after playing comic book characters, and sure, they’ve both been in trouble for tax evasion, but Wesley Snipes did all of that first and damn I guess I am saying Nicolas Cage is the white Wesley Snipes. But that’s not what I meant to say. I meant to say that if Nicolas Cage did all his Nicolas Cage shit while also being black, he would wind up like Wesley Snipes: Quickly shunned by Hollywood, largely forgotten, and in prison as a punishment for tax evasion rather than in Left Behind as a punishment for tax evasion.

I bring all that up because Nicolas Cage is most famous for going overboard and losing himself in silly roles, yet even there he’s beaten to the punch by Wesley Snipes, who so over-committed to Blade that, to this day, I would argue he is more Blade than man. Let’s play...

I’m going to give you screencaps from an interview where Wesley Snipes slowly lost the line between Snipes and Blade, and indeed may have never emerged. You’re going to guess whether the shot is of Wesley Snipes, actor playing Blade, or of Blade, psychic parasite slowly possessing Wesley Snipes. It’s going to look like this-

That's your first question. Is the man in that picture Wesley Snipes, or Blade? And right about now you’re panicking because it is impossible to tell if this is the character Blade, or just how 1998 Wesley Snipes went to the Olive Garden. Thick rubber vest with seatbelt shoulderpads and murdered-out Oakleys is what Wesley Snipes would wear to a non-denominational wedding. You’ll get no wardrobe hints here. This is a gut game -- do your keen Snipe-hunting instincts say that’s a Wesley or a Blade?

Let’s see what he’s actually saying here...

I started you off easy, this is 100% pure Wesley Snipes -- a lethal dose if you mainline it. Although a little bit of Blade creeps through at the word “vampire,” this is still firmly the man who said “exactamundo” the best way in Demolition Man.

Hmm, that could just be Wesley Snipes appreciating a booty, or it could be Blade trying to whistle (deep lore says vampires cannot whistle and you can ward them away with Andrew Bird songs). Lock in your answers!

The mere mention of his vampire father brings the daddy issues singing out of Blade, and he surges to the forefront of Wesley Snipes’ personality matrix.

You got this one, right?

I mean, get the fuck outta here if you don’t recognize an obvious Blade when you see him. This is Toddler Difficulty. If you struggled this round, you are dangerously ill-equipped to spot Blade. Anyone who didn’t instantly slap the Blade buzzer is going to die in a German rave, twerking on a handsome man dressed like a racecar while all their friends flee in terror.

Aw shit, he’s not giving you any hints here. That could be the face Wesley Snipes makes when you tell him he’s like the black Nicolas Cage, or it could just be Blade listening to a Stephen Dorff monologue.

We’re working on Shazam rules at this point, where Wesley Snipes can trigger the transformation to Blade and back by saying the word “vampire.” Both men are physically incapable of speaking it without pure hatred in their voice, and that’s the emotional key Blade needs to slip through the Wesley portal into our reality.

Okay, that is inscrutable. There’s simply no way you’re getting this one. That’s the face you make when you realize you’re about to suffer the consequences for something very stupid that you alone are responsible for. Like that could be somebody explaining taxes to Wesley Snipes for the very first time, or it could be Blade seeing his car get towed because he double-parked outside the Sunglass Hut.

Ooh, it’s both! That explains it: This comes across like an expression of self-reproach because we’re not looking at either Wesley Snipes or Blade, but the psychic battle they’re having for control over the Snipes vessel. It’s not one man hating himself, but two entities trapped within a man fighting each other on the battleground of the face.

Yeah, that totally scans. Shoulda seen it earlier, honestly.

Wesley Snipes actually has to take a moment here and mentally fight off the Blade infestation before continuing. It’s a struggle he wins… for now.

Oh fuck yeah, that is fully Blade. That’s not just Blade, that’s Blade telling a motherfucker to ice skate uphill or something. Some kinda unexpected locomotion to an inconvenient place. Motherfuckers always tryin’ to Slip ‘N Slide downtown!

R-right?

Another trick! This is the precise moment that Wesley Snipes loses to Blade. You can see it -- there’s a bit of Snipes left around the eyebrows, which seem to beg for help, but that sneer is pure Blade, warning you against trying.

No discussion here, just lock it in and God help you if you get it wrong.

I had to throw you an easy one here so you don’t stop trusting the game entirely. This is pure Wesley Snipes in a rare adorable moment -- just dorking out about the wonderful freedom that playing a comic book character gives you. He really lets his guard down here and shows you his vulnerable side, which is too fucking bad because-

Yeah. You see it.

Wesley was having fun, his defenses were down, and that’s when Blade came screaming to the forefront. But that’s not just Blade -- that’s Blade revealing his own personal contempt for the host organism, Wesley Snipes. The sheer dripping malice with which he says “Wesley” is shocking. Something is really wrong in a direction you weren’t expecting, like being called a motherfucker by a baby.

It’s clear that Wesley Snipes and Blade are not struggling to share one space like that wacky roommate sitcom I keep pitching - this is a battle that can only end when one destroys the other. And Wesley Snipes, I loved you in White Men Can’t Jump but mere sass does not qualify one to take on Blade.

Wesley -- with possibly the last ounce of control he has left over this flesh vehicle -- tries to warn us about what’s happening to him in the final words of the interview, now a haunting epitaph.

That’s what happens when you ask Wesley Snipes how his character would feel: A personality kumite where a man is destroyed by the very character he created.

Now, here’s what happens when you ask Stephen Dorff how his character would feel-

...

If these images are borked, you can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.