Fucking Day: The 1900HOTDOG Custom Van Contest! (Patreon)

If 1-900🌭 had an official vehicle, it would be a custom van. You know, one with a waterbed instead of a backseat and herpes instead of seatbelts and something bitchin’ airbrushed on the side, like badass dragons in a firecloud being ridden by lightning wizards or something. That’s just a hypothetical, mind you – if that exists it’s only because we wanted it to be real so badly that we psychically projected it into reality.

Oh hey, check out our sweet tulpa van!

A rad custom van will take precedence over anything else happening in your life. If you just got a terminal diagnosis and you’re trying to break the news to your kids, and a custom van drives by blasting Aqualung, that conversation is now about how badass that van was.

“Kenzie, baby, can you put Mommy on? No, it’s… I have some bad news, sweetheart. Do you remember what we talked about when Dr. Wigglebutt got too tired and wouldn’t get up anymore? Well, that’s happening to daddy now and oh fuck yeah, this van just drove by with a big-tittied lady riding a tiger on the side! I know that rules, honey! You don’t have to tell me obvious shit. Anyway, I’m dying.”

Hot Dogger Mo knew that ‘sweet van’ beats all other topics, so when he saw people fighting about politics in our Discord, he swiftly and professionally deployed custom vans to derail it. It was a bold gambit with no attempted segue and it worked completely. Nobody wanted to argue about democratic inaction when they could instead argue over whether or not the Harem van has mirrored ceilings and shag carpet floors, or mirrored floors and shag carpet ceilings.

As you can see, the answer is somehow both.

The Dragon-Rider Van is obviously the raddest van ever built, the Harem Van is the most fucking a van can be, and there’s no redder flag than the Wrassle Castle-

It has a hippy dirtbag using “magic rays” to moisten panties on the outside, a foxtail buttplug that is certainly communal hanging on the inside, and its very name implies a dangerous disregard for consent. There’s not an inch of that purple shag that isn’t crusty. Starting up the Wrassle Castle legally counts as informing the neighbors that you’re a registered sex offender.

So all three of the major aspects of van are already covered: Bitchin’, Fuckin’, and Concernin’.

But we don’t believe that the frontier of custom vannery has been fully mapped. We think that within every human heart there lies at least one custom van, and we want to see it. So welcome to the first annual(?) 1-900🌭 Custom Van Contest!

The rules are simple: Van it up, motherfucker.

Show us your sweetest custom van - there’s no need to tell us how you’d fuck inside of it, one look at your design should relay that information completely. Just let your heart speak van into the world and then email it to us at 1900hotdog@gmail.com with the subject line: CUSTOM VAN FBI DO NOT CLICK.

The deadline is Tuesday, 1/25/22. One week! Exactly how long God had to build his custom van. Winner gets their very own custom van!*

Get vannin’, 🌭s!

*All you have to do is take the next one you see, and tell them we said it was okay.

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