Learning Day: The Truth About S.T.D'.s (Patreon)

Hi, I found a maniac.

In 2014, Tony Davis, P.H.T. published The truth about S.T.D.’s: Did you know that all S.T.D.’s are LIES? Now you do and I’m gonna prove it to you!. I like to think you already know enough from the title alone. It’s his entire thesis and more importantly, it makes it clear Tony is out of his mind. But just because something is obvious doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask questions. So let’s start with the first one: motherfucker, what.

Tony calls this “A Novel” which is wrong and himself a Perfect Health Teacher, which isn’t a thing. He calls this book “unprecedented,” but he is not the first author to read a conspiracy website and think, “Someone amazing and brave should hit print on this.” If you were watching a snake movie, one character might conspicuously turn their back to a toilet and say, “We’ll be safe in here.” Tony Davis isn’t that character. Tony Davis is the one drinking toilet water and saying, “Snakes don’t exist; zookeepers just misplace a lot of yarn!” Except the second half of that would be silently mouthed from the lump inside a sudden snake.

The preface helps establish Tony’s philosophy. Most real things are fake, and smart people know where to look to prove it. It doesn’t seem like he’s one of those smart people, and a lot of very unlikely things have to happen for him to be right, but I don’t need to debunk his conspiracy. It’s plainly insane, but it’s also fun. Tony thinks he wrote a novel about mankind’s leading cause of death and told it, “Only dummies die to you, myth!” Death can be so sad; we should appreciate people who sacrifice their dignity just to turn it into a punchline.

When Tony tries to define truth he gives one example of it– the time tobacco companies lied about the dangers of tobacco. It’s not really funny, but it’s a good example of how frustrating it would be to try to talk him out of anything. This example of truth is about the opposite of that, wouldn’t convince a reasonable person of anything, has most of the details wrong, and acknowledges lung disease in a book about how diseases don’t exist. If being a fucking idiot was a sport, Tony Davis would be the Morchal Jorgam of it.

Nothing says confidence in your medical theory about diseases not existing like a two-and-a-half page disclaimer. Where are your balls, Tony! Own your madness! Tell them to read the book in a botox clinic dumpster. Have them garnish it with old meat! Coward!

The disclaimer could have been shorter, but Tony seems to think he’s extra protected from liability if he tells you nothing is his fault many, many times. He repeats it twelve different ways and five exact ways. Seriously, listen: you can put your mouth or genitals on anything you want, all doctors are lying to you, and he is not responsible, liable, or responsible if he’s wrong. Check with your doctor, who is in on it, before attempting to ignore all medicine.

Tony uses the likeable writing style of saying something he made up and then asking if he blew your fucking mind. Oh he did? Your undiseased gonads were quivered by his bold claim? He’s incredible, his every word a revelation!? And is this how he cites his sources? Always, fool! Does a fact sound impossible!? Try no. Oh, this is getting further from reassuring? Welcome to banana, population truth.

I’m not kidding when I say all of the book is like this. Tony thinks you, the absolute lunatic who bought this thing, didn’t read the cover. He is so frustrated he can’t get through to you, the normie brainwashed by Big Herpe. In the middle of this extended thesis statement, Tony tells his origin story, and it’s the same one shared by every terrorist or incel. He saw a conspiracy website which led to another and another, and soon that’s all he read until he agreed with them completely. Explaining how stupid shit could be real is sort of a fun puzzle, and now changing his mind would mean finding a whole new personality and community. But he wouldn’t because it’s the truth, and if it’s not, he is not legally responsible, check with your doctor, who is trying to kill you for money. The point is, unless you’re one of the 17 people on his Telegram channel, Tony will never convince you of anything. Let’s watch him try:

Here he is speaking directly to a reader who already has an STD, and his advice is nothing followed by “ha!” And when he says “Do I know something you don’t? Of course I do!” he’s not talking about some future information. There isn’t any. He just thinks you haven’t read the title or any of these other words yet. The only thing Tony can say is, “Speaking of diseases, they’re not real” like a ghost in a COVID role-playing game, and I can’t think of anything worse.

Tony is extremely motivated to believe you can’t get diseases through sex. It’s almost suspicious, as if some doctor in his life was recently on the other end of that argument. It’s as if Tony had two choices: go crazy, or admit the pustuled slug crawling down the shower drain was once your penis.

Tony is still doing the thing where he can’t believe you don’t believe him despite all his proof, which he will get to. It’s possible he rewrote the first two pages ten times and accidentally published every single draft? I don’t mean that in a bad way. I like how Tony gives himself three or more tries to word things right. For instance, here:

Tony’s problem with germ theory is that it was never properly tested. But you know what was? Tony’s decision to call it bull shit, bull crap, and ball shit. He’s finally starting to have fun, which is the reason most people get into the business of shrieking gonorrhea isn’t real.

Look at Tony go. In only one center-aligned paragraph, he went from “strip clubs are trying to destroy me” to “ass (ask!) a rock star why they’re so dumb” to “germs aren’t real, like demons.” This is a world-class madman in his incoherent prime. And by his estimation, he’s one of the top 13 molecular biology minds in the world. I’ll let him explain:

Tony was complaining about the lack of scientific testing in classic germ theory, so let him show you how it’s done. First you look at some micro-graphs and shrug. What are you fucking even looking at? Blobs? Like, some shitty blobs? Then you decide blob scientists must have painted themselves into a corner by predicting, “we’re going to see germs, not just blobs, in this microscope.” And there they were, with a bunch of shitty blobs, too embarrassed to tell everyone. Sorry if this is too complicated. Only about 12 people alive are smart enough to understand germs, including Tony, and they are all fools because germs are fake. Checkmate, local nurse who gasped at his blood panel.

“You think viruses are real, right? Wrong!” taunts the author of the previous chapter “God Damn It Viruses Are All Made Up and Viruses Aren’t Real.”

I get some of you are still looking for proof these things everyone other than Tony Davis agrees are real are, in fact, not. How about the greatest proof of all? Still not convinced? What about now? No? This sentence contains zero Timecops! You think I can’t send one of the two Timecops in this sentence back into the previous one? Wrong! After 21 pages of this with escalating insanity, Tony starts a Top 60 list of Reasons All Diseases Are Lies. It goes off the rails immediately, even for him.

This is only #8, and he is already citing a disclaimer on HIV tests about potential false positives as proof the virus isn’t real. This is like holding up a Cheerios serving suggestion to prove toast is an international conspiracy. It’s spectacular in its stupidity. Owning something that believes this should disqualify a household from owning forks. And #9 on the list is “Oh my god, you guys, did you hear about #8!?” Speaking of damning evidence, Tony read in a magazine that virologists are out of ideas. He can’t remember which one, but it was American, maybe? Is it possible all of these sources are credible and Tony Davis, P.H.T. is doing a bad job at communicating them? No! P.H.T. stands for P.erfect H.ealth T.eacher! Think you know what P.H.T. stands for? You don’t! It stands for P.erfect H.ealth T.eacher, Ti ecop Timec p Ti! Ball shit, this sentence is supposed to have three m o mecops!

Remember: this is the list of things that took a man from leading traditional molecular biologist to HIV-denier. The reality-shattering facts they’re trying to hide from you. Viruses don’t exist, but if they did they would have the properties of things which pass through condoms. It’s like saying, “I know there’s no Batman, but if there was, his name would be Wheels Malibu, not Bruce Wayne, and he would be several chimpanzees trading shifts.”

“Condomania” is not a global lie. It’s what Hulk Hogan’s daughter calls her line of female prophylactics, and what her father calls a Whites Only orgy, and wow the tone of this is really getting away from me. I think reading a book by a man trying to rewrite all of reality rather than treat his STDs was a mistake. Let’s find a fun one. Oh, here we go:

He can cure the common cold, a thing he has proven never existed, if you email him! Speaking of common… uncommon? Ha ha it’s fun to laugh again.

Tony Davis, P.H.T. wants you to freely enjoy life’s most decadent pleasures: unsafe sex… polio… dog bites. Oh, and to add to what I was saying earlier, “Rabies is a scam,” is the password to get into Hulk Hogan’s orgy.

Tony Davis, P.H.T. ends his book like he started: disgusting and crazy. He called your sex life “delicious.” Instead of saying “Sorry about the book, good bye” he says “Happy care free orgasms!” It’s fucking gross. And I don’t want to end an article the same way, so I looked Tony Davis up.

Tony was a pretty tough Google since his website is gone and roughly every Tony Davis is more notable than Amazon’s #4,889,991st top bookseller in self-published conspiracies. I had to add keywords from every personal detail and hobby he brought up until I finally found him. He was alive! Just walking among us! His flesh wasn’t eaten off by unwashed bacterial infections, and this article would have a happy ending after all! But no. I couldn’t believe it. I was falling into the same trap that captured Tony– I stopped looking as soon as the Internet showed me what I wanted to see. I’m sure this flight instructor will hate that he has the same face and name as our Tony Davis, and don’t tell him, but there’s no way it’s him. Some more digging led me to these:

Tony Davis wrote two Romanian self-help books called Secrets of Permanent Happiness and Perfect Health: What To Do To Get And Enjoy Perfect Health and Life. They are 30 and 44 pages long, respectively, which means it took him half as long to explain all the secrets of happiness than it did to explain the one way germs aren’t real. That’s fascinating to me. So is how the Romanian language has a single word for “Perfect Health Teacher” and it’s “Profesor.”

With these two books, I had Tony Davis’ real name and could simply look up his profile on Romanian dating sites where he pleaded with a woman, any woman of any age, for something Google must have translated wrong: “the certain death of crashing against my weeping sores.” I also found his Facebook:

Okay, this is troubling, but this is what your Photos tab looks like when the only thing you post is the same personal ad every 1 to 3 days. Tony hasn’t had any takers yet, but he keeps telling his friends, “51-year-old businessman looking for a divine woman between 18-58 years old for a true love relationship, meaning endless and unconditional love or a relationship only of love and happiness! Tony Davis Happiness Teacher Whatsapp: **** *** *** I am very selective and if I choose you as my girlfriend, I guarantee you happiness for life, that is: 1-I will love you and I will make you happy every day because I have nothing else to offer you 2-I will teach you how to enjoy perfect health.”

There isn’t a woman alive with defenses frail enough to walk into that trap. This is what you show a 5-year-old in Beginner Surviving Men Class. It’s not all sad, though! If you scroll back far enough, Tony shared some of the “maybes” from his author photo shoot:

These are great. If you didn’t know he was the author doing his own genital warts experiments, you would think it was Todd McFarlane from a universe where he became a juggler. Let’s keep scrolling.

Here he is with a couple fun ladies he met at a bus stop during a California trip! What a coincidence that it was right after meeting these fun ladies when Tony rearranged his entire brain to convince himself STDs weren’t real. B-but maybe it’s good news! Maybe he got back home and his doctor said, “Jesus, from what you told me, you should be dead. Either all disease is a lie, or this dipstick is wrong. I’m not a doctor by the way. This is a Pomposkwirt, which is like a Jiffylube here in Romania.”

Maybe I’ll regret this, but let’s scroll down one more picture.

Wow, va va voom! This has to be Photoshopped, right? Beautiful women don’t date amateur dog bite scientists with ponytails and favorite bus prostitutes. One second, let me reverse image this…

Oh no. Oh my god, no. This glamorous beauty is adult film actress Natasha Nice, and she and Tony are filming a show called, oh gross, Fuck a Fan. I wasn’t familiar with it since I search for porn by typing, “Regular sex, the least amount of weird sadness, please,” but it’s what it sounds like. It’s a show where people edge prostitution laws by paying thousands of dollars to act in a car porno because maybe moving SUVs aren’t technically a location? It is a real thing that happened, and everyone lived, but I’ve never seen anyone dare God to kill them harder.

First, and forgive me for this cheap shot against the poor anti-dog-vaxxer, Tony is terrified past the point of erection. Natasha gives it a sad little “Aw.” Which means this awkward encounter starts with a woman sexually humiliating a lonely stranger who is also an open psychopath. Then, the guy who literally wrote a book about how you should only have sex condomlessly because every HIV test he takes is wrong rawdogs a sex worker in a speeding vehicle. This is every public safety video all at once. This is specifically what the world’s wisest genius would have said if you asked them, “So some dude wrote a book about how diseases aren’t real. What’s the worst thing that could happen?” I bought this book because I thought it would be silly! And now look upon this chaos! Did I do this? What have I done? What have I done!?

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