Vanning Day: 2024 Hot Dog Custom Van Contest Winners! (Patreon)

It begins with a legend: A great lover with no home to bed his conquests laid a cushion of goose down and straw in the back of a carriage, and the first van was born. And upon the side of that carriage he painted a polar bear with tits, roaring on a mountaintop while being struck by lightning, and the first bitchin’ custom van was born. Thousands of years of van advancements later: You. We gave you the template, we asked you to speak van from your heart, and you have answered us with the pinnacle of van technology. Cupholders! A mini fridge! Condom machine! All pale in comparison to what you’ve created.

Mr. T himself(!) brings us the Infini T van, a van within a van, a van that is an ode to itself. A recursive meta van the likes of which will break both space/time and hymens.

Delta turned himself into a van! That was not the assignment, it was better than the assignment. He’s stuck that way now until somebody spills a burrito on him.

OrneryWeevil thought “Firebirds are sweet, but there’s no back of them to fuck in!” The fool didn’t realize that Firebirds are ergonomically designed for reverse cowgirl in the driver seat, so the bouncing titties might honk the horn. But this way is pretty good, too.

Greg is an artist, and the point of art is not to be understood. Wait, it’s a pun. Jamie, cut this entry.

Rock is the one who understood that the point of art is not to be understood. We don’t get it, Rock, and yet we know Robocorn can get it. The paradox of meaning stays with you. Good art.

Yeyo made an OK Science van! Like OK Science, it’s maybe a little too smart for this site. We almost missed the best joke here. (Hint: tilt your head and look at the windshield!)

Borsuk found the unvan from the wrong dimension, which lures mustached men in with promises of children, and then gives them their innocence back.

Badger wins! Badger wins the contest for Least Accessible Inside Joke! It would take several paragraphs to explain this one, and at the end, you wouldn’t care.

Hambone is a 7th dan black belt in Shaq Fu. You fool, you think it’s impressive that you can kill a man with a basketball? True mastery is knowing this: There is no basketball.

Rob made the spaghetti van, from the hit children’s show We All Love the Spaghetti Van. He really got the filth right!

In what is almost certainly a prosecutable crime everywhere but the coal mining states, Rob got his kids involved in a van contest!

Quick: What’s your favorite sunglasses position? We like top of the head.

His other kid made the Scoddy Doo van, driven by the dog who can drive, beloved Scoody Doo! Scoody Doo is pictured below, smiling.

Guapo commemorated the most, shall we say, sunglasses moment of Mountain Monsters: The time when Sheepsquatch blinded Trapper with boiling ejaculate!

Mo had a dream. A dream called van. And in this dream, Carl let him borrow the van and was upset because he returned it without topping up the tank. This is how we honor thee, Satan!

Akentarion painstakingly designed a “goblin fuckvan” made of sweet rides, rad kicks, lusty godzillas, and hot dog warriors.

Creature promptly stole it.

Seacows’ van provides a valuable service: Gorilla face removal. It costs extra to have the gorilla swap it with another face, but who wouldn’t pay extra for Gorilla Face/Off?

Last year’s winner, Gellaho, proved he still has a serious problem with prioritization and time management. He can’t win again, or else he’d always win, because he’s clinically insane for hot dogs. But look at this!

Haraka actually built the OK Science van! It may be rusty, full of disease, and non-functional, but that never stopped Hulk Hogan. OKmania gonna run wild on you!

Skebotron didn’t so much design a van, as coerce a living being into becoming van against their will.

That’s the most van thing we ever heard! Congratulations, Skebotron! You’re the winner of Poxvan Company’s Pull Over & Put It In 2024 Custom Van-off! You win… Haraka’s van! That’s how this works. Everyone knows a good van contest is only for pinks.

And now, for the Mustache Ride Contest. Here’s your competition. Godspeed.

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