Still here 3 (Patreon)

I .. think i start to get better.. Still i jump each time i see a notification with patreon on it. "what if they cut me now, before the new month, how i'll be able to pay the rent? " that's.. hard questions.I.. I know i would survive it tbh.. i.. tend to be ressourcefull when in dire situation.But would be Hard, and also.. difficult. The rewards, what owe who? When? I use patreon to keep tracks of those, it's easy to remember and use. But if shutdown.. damn ll be a sucker punch. Knowing me i would want to at least give something to each of the reward guys.. like at least the money worth in a free comms.. Once i manage enough comms to sustain the month.Would push a subscribstar, a Tipee forward too.

I.. I don't think i did anything that goes against patreon rule.. but as i said, they're trust and safety team are the boogy man.. No way to know how they interpret their own rules.

But out of that.. One day Patreon ll definitely kick artist out. Just because.. each time a big company ask them to do a thing they do, and the right wings and alt rights are winning everywhere, and those guys love censoring ANYTHING that isn't what they believe. And sex, having fun with it, equality between gender, right for the LGBT.. most of the thing i defend and i believe on... they hate, one way or another.And i really fear patreon would end aligning themselves on Visa/mastercards will, and therefore on those wills.. But i'm not a seer, might be wrong.

Today was better.. no bad bad thinking.. One day ago, was calling my mom, my brother manage to secure some credit at the bank, ll be able to pay his first flat. He and her want to put money aside to help me get one too, one day. They want to secure one living place, not rent, a thing i own for when i'm old and cranky.. And i told them it would be wasted.. because i don't see myself live that long anymore. And at the moment i thinked it, i firmly believed "i'll end my own life before i hit 50"... Like a fact.That's.. these sort of thinking that terrify me when i start to get better. Years before i .. did attempt to suicide.. twice.I ended missing myself, went into therapy, took me years to get out, and .. it's when i started to draw.. more often. Drawing literally saved my life back then. And Patreon is what canalized this back then. It through this site that i could talk to my fan, know what they wanted to see me draw, make a bit of money, and get better in the process.

It's maybe why thinking this very place could kick me out triggered such a Bad reaction. It's linked to me getting back in my boots, finding back will to live.. and it's why i'm so attached to it.I'm not stupid, i know companies betray their worker everytime. Peoples you can trust, never a company. But we, humans, create attachment through experience, and this was mine, and therefore my attachment is valid.

I'll survive the day this place tell me they don't want me anymore.but that ll tear a hole in my heart.

Sorry if i've been a bit heavy on that one. It helps to unload things. And the support you guys and girls showed is in no way shape or form a thing i could value.You peoples manage to keep me alive on a daily basis, by feeding me, paying my rent, giving me support.You are amazing.Never forget that