Chp 50: Cleansing Chaos (Patreon)

Steve was working through a pile of potential candidates for various positions in his office. Or at least he probably looked like he was. But, really, he was just shuffling papers and waiting on a timer. He'd set up a microbrewery in what was supposed to be a file closet.

As a recruiter, his job was pretty simple. He went through his allotment of candidates and picked out potential placement worlds for them, then tried to talk them into it. If needed, he had a variety of incentives he was authorized to offer as well as starter packs.

Working for chaos meant actually doing his job was largely optional so long as he greased a few palms here and there. The fact that he dipped into the glitch invites more often than his assigned candidates was also overlooked, if not outright unnoticed.

"Seriously, you're not okay, just-" a voice filtered into the void. Steve broke out of the existential limbo that descended as he waited for the timer and looked toward the sound. A door that would connect to a hallway appearing in the void.

More eyes than three physical forms should have supported greeted Steven as he stood in the open doorway. An evil was curled defensively on the ground, one leg extended to fend off a neutrality. Behind them, Chaos was watching the scene with interest. 

"What?" Steve asked Chaos. He could have closed the door to his office, probably should have. But, instead, he found himself looking harder at the collection of alignments. Fuzzy runes swam for a moment but finally cleared into basic information. They were all system admins.

"Thrilling, isn't it?" Chaos responded in singsong.

"Go kill each other somewhere else," Steve said flatly to Evil and Neutrality. Of course, it wasn't supposed to happen. Factions were supposed to be peaceful in the office. That  didn't mean backstabbing didn't happen anyway.

"Is it that bad!?" Neutrality asked in wide-eyed surprise. Evil's foot connected with his stomach and sent him back a pace. Bizarrely he didn't retreat and instead tried again, hands up in a display of non-aggression. Like he was trying to coax an injured cat rather than an agent of evil. 

The neutrality looked a bit roughed up, blood running from a split lip, but the evil was in bad shape. Smoke was leaking from several orifices, and it gave off a pleasant scent which wasn't a good sign.

"What are you even trying to do?" Steve asked, confused. Evil swatted at Neutrality again. Why Neutrality was taking a beating when time would do the job soon enough was a mystery he found himself unable to leave alone.

"To help them. They thinks it's my fault-" Neutrality broke off and hissed in pain. Evil had clawed him pretty good when his attention wavered. Despite that, he seemed set on trying again.  Chaos just watched.

Steve was only supposed to be able to see primary alignments. The side one was recruited by which was relevant to the job. He could see whole alignments, though, and Neutrality was neutral good. 

Not that Steven needed his ability to figure that out. Neutrality was literally bleeding and going back for more in an attempt to help his coworker. Instead of stepping back in his office like he should have, Steve strode forward. His void-like form drawing in light and expanding to fill the space. 

Evil tried to fight back but only managed a weak failing. Steve was technically middle management, a system admin never stood a chance.

"Hey, what are you-" Neutrality started in worry. Steve ignored him, picking Evil up and carrying them into his office.

"Come on, not much time," Steve said plainly. Neutrality came running after him. Chaos sort of oozed, abandoning the office chair, but they just closed the door, taking up a guard stance in the hallway instead of entering.

Steve swept his desk clear and laid Evil on top of it. There were a couple possible options for what was wrong, and he needed to narrow them down. He was reasonably sure it was poison, but some magic had the same effect, and they required very different treatments.

"Did they eat or drink anything strange?" Steve asked. He was pretty confident poison was the cause of Evil's distress, but he wasn't totally sure. Some magics would accomplish similar damage.

"No?" Neutrality said, confused. He looked to Evil, and despite how they curled and hissed, he still managed to get close and take there hand. This time they didn't fight back, tired or possibly too far gone to bother.

"Better hope I fucking die of this… if it was you," Evil growled.

"I didn't. Come on, did you eat or drink anything strange?" Neutrality asked urgently.

"No? Just canned chaos and like half an apple?" Evil said, words ending in a groan. Steven stiffened at the mention of the fruit. He'd seen them around the office, and if it was that kind, Evil was in real trouble. 

"If you actually want them to live, you need to access an evil-aligned world, fast," Steve said sharply.

"I can, but-" Neutrality hesitated. Steve waited. Neutrality shouldn't have access to evil systems. If he was going to backpedal and give up on Evil, this would be his last chance.

"Let me borrow your interface," Neutrality said, shoulders squaring up as he stood straighter. Steve handed it over. A perk of his job was that he had a fully portable version. It looked like a steampunk laptop if one ignored the organic elements that occasionally winked.

Neutrality sat down on the floor, hunching over the laptop. He signed into Evil's interface as quickly as possible. He felt glad he was already familiar with its layout. The red and black had been a bit jarring the first few times he'd used it, and this wasn't a moment for awkward flailing with the unfamiliar.

"Find a world with the highest evil alignment rating and get a healing item. Preferably a potion," Steven instructed. He was busy getting a keg out of his file closet brewery.

"Flushing it won't fix the problem, but you need to puke up what's in you. So it doesn't get worse," Steve explained, offering Evil a hose connected to the tap rather than a cup. They looked at it dubiously, then pushed up on an elbow with help and started drinking. 

Evil's complete alignment was neutral evil, so chaos didn't have much effect. At least not until it mixed up with the stuff already in them. It hit that mess and made throwing up easier, if nothing else. Better than trying to dry heave, at least. A sizzling black mash of what had been apple came up after a few rounds.

Neutrality was busy enough with his task that he didn't even  notice the sound of vomiting. A fortunate turn of events since he was a sympathetic puker himself. Doing as Steven instructed he located likely worlds by rating and then selected them for a search.

Evils faction didn't have any restrictions on what type of times they could make. The difference between a good healing potion and an evil one laid in what they were made with and how. Despite that it wasn't a common items unlike poison. He'd have found gallons of that in seconds.

Neutrality felt himself sweat as he started sorting search results after constraining locations a second time. Finally, after narrowing the search a third time, he turned something up and used the system to pull a copy. 

It was against the rules to take something from the system for personal use, but he didn't even hesitate. The item materialized on Steve's desk, and the bathrobe-clad void of a recruiter snatched it up and quickly gave it to Evil. The vile green liquid giving off curling noxious vapor and swirling with what seemed like souls of the damned inside it.

Evil didn't actively drink. It seemed like they'd fainted at some point but Steve managed to get the potion in them without Evil chokings. There was an ugly sound like wet fabric ripping and Evil sat up to vomit once again. This time rather than chaos and bile something glowing and white that reeked of apple blossoms poured out of them.

It took a a few tries before something cloudy and grey followed and finally black ichor. Evil flopped back on the desk, moaning and clutching at there stomach but alert.

Neutrality felt his body go boneless in relief. He'd been in a panic since he'd first caught up to Evil and realized that something was wrong. More so than simply having offended them. 

"Will they be okay?" Neutrality asked Steve. It seemed like it, but he wanted the reassurance.

"Well, they'll survive this, if not the scramble to take there position," Steve said, sounding perplexed by Neutrality's choice of wording.

"What?" Neutrality asked.

"Evil positions are considered spoils. They get claimed when the current holder dies. Given how weakened they are, I doubt they'll be able to fend off anyone career-minded," Steve explained. Neutrality felt like someone had turned off the local gravity. He'd thought that as long as they survived what was happening that they'd be fine eventually. 

Seeing that Neutrality had gone full blue screen, Steve decided to step out into the hall. He wasn't sure what was going on between the pair but it felt like they could use the privacy.

"Nu?" Evil called weakly. The familiar voice broke Neutrality out of his daze and he shot up from the floor and went to Evils side, taking there hand once again. It wasn't a gesture he'd grown up with, but he'd seen other entities use it and though it was nice. He'd always hoped that if he felt like shit that someone would do that for him, and Evil certainly looked like they could use it.

"You shouldn't have helped me," Evil growled despite not being able to put any strength behind it.

"Why not?" Neutrality challenged though he knew exactly why. He wasn't supposed to get involved with other factions. Not like he had with Evil this time.  Even getting along a little to well could be ground for getting a reprimand.

"Don't play dumb... I fucking knew you do it to. Why the fuck do you think I ran out of the office like that?" Evil asked.

"I think your still suffering side effects, that almost sounded considerate," Neutrality said and chuckled. In hindsight he realized it was a giant red flag that Evil had been nice to him. Or at least that much so obliviously.

A name swam up from Neutrality's memory, and a haze seemed to disappeared from Evil. He knew exactly who he was looking at.

"Look, you did your good deed. I lived. So piss off now before you get tangled up in whatever bullshit caused this," Evil said, voice a little stronger and sharper. The words were still too soft but the ferocity was returning to there expression. It likely wouldn't be long before they were back to normal, if still weak.

"Përbindësh, shut up. I'll help you if I want to," Neutrality said with a grin. You weren't supposed to have friends or enemies at a neutral school, just alliances and acquaintances. It was an unofficial part of the curriculum that he'd failed at pretty miserably. 

"You are an insufferable dumbass," Evil said, laying back in apparent defeat.

Outside the office, Steve stood next to the door but wasn't eavesdropping or guarding it. Chaos was doing both. His old acquaintance shifted form several times, emitting odd little pleased sounds as they did. 

Steve looked at Chaos, curious what he'd see. Like every time before, they came up as just CHAOS. They swiveled something like jewels in eye sockets toward Steve.

"Still can't let go of what was, I see," Chaos said with a giggle like a chorus of voices choking. They looked his disheveled form up and down, noting that he hadn't even bothered trying the bathrobe shut. Not that his form had any anatomy in need of hiding. He was only essentially shaped like a bipedal humanoid.

"Would I be half as entertaining if I could?" Steve asked.

"Probably not," Chaos acknowledged.

"Just keep in mind that while I care not for the game, I mind if my fun is spoiled," Chaos said. Seemingly finished, they remounted their office chair, which began to roll away of it's own accord. Steve watched them go, wondering if there were any actual Chaos employees or if they were all just puppet embodiments of the force itself. He didn't dwell on it long.

Taking a can of chaos out of his robe, Steve popped the top and started drinking. He'd gotten an evil admin login and password by loaning Neutrality his laptop. He'd likely get a neutral one too if he let the pair linger a while while they sorted out things.

For a few meditative sips he considered Chao's rather clear threat. He didn't have something worthy of being called a plan. Just a hand full of ideas and a burning desire to see where the chips would land when he let them fall.

Steve chuckled after a moment. Whether or not Chaos could handle a bit of their own medicine wasn't his problem. As the bathrobe would attest, he was long past giving a fuck.