Unfinished Song-in-Progress: Darkest Dreams (Patreon)

These are no longer the right words, but this is where I was at when I started writing "Darkest Dreams".

Along with my perpetual feelings of inadequacy, I often feel like I need to keep everyone happy. Because if I didn't, they'd notice all my flaws and imperfections. All the parts of me that aren't perfect. And when I was growing up, being anything less than perfect/the best was unacceptable. So I learned that falling short in any way was dangerous. So, obviously, I set super high and unrealistic standards for myself, yadda yadda.

Anyway, this often means that in all my relationships, if I notice something seems off, I ask about it. Because I want to know what's wrong so I can fix it, or I can be a support. But also, part of me just wants to know it's not me.

I had a friend once who was mad at me for weeks, and after weeks of her telling me there was nothing wrong when I'd ask, she eventually told me that I made her feel stupid; like a child. And... I didn't know how to fix that, but it kind of reinforced the idea that if something is wrong and the person won't be honest about it, it must be about me. It must be something I've done, some flaw I have, something I messed up.

So now, in my adult life, I struggle a lot with Myrna. Constantly having the conversation of "Hey, I know you're picking up on something here, but not everything is about you! Maybe they just had a bad day, maybe it's something bigger, but just because someone isn't ready to open up to you about a struggle they're having, does not mean you are the issue. Stop reading into everything, please. Don't you see all the things that clearly indicate it's not an issue with you? Could you stop focusing on the one thing that might indicate that it is?"

So this is a song about that 😅 About all the times I convince myself that I'm the problem, whether or not I have any real reason to believe that I am.

**Full preview will be available to Sloth High Priests on Friday, May 24th**