Behind-the-Song: Honestly pt.4 (Patreon)

Truthfully, now that I'm putting this together, this probably could have been paired with last week's 😅

Anyhow, I suppose we'll get a slightly deeper dive into my emotional state and the circumstances around this breakup 🙈

Thought I had it all, but I was wrong / Maybe I'm naïve / I thought you were the answer / but now I don't know what to believe / Wish I could restart...

So we already know that my ex and I were in serious talks about moving in together, for months, before he suddenly ended things over the phone 🫠 But I also 100% thought I was going to marry that man (thank all the gods he broke up with me instead 😂🙏).

We'd been together for 6 years and things were finally actually good. But also, the main reason I was even in that relationship to begin with was because I'm demisexual and he was the first person I'd ever had feelings for. I'd spent my whole life prior being bombarded with massaging that I can't be happy alone; so I'd spent my whole life absolutely terrified of that possibility.

And then I had feelings for someone. And... Well first of all, I had no idea what was happening or how to process the emotions 😂 But then I was also terrified that he'd be the only person I'd ever have feelings for. I'd never liked anyone before. Why him? I had no idea. And so I thought "this is a fluke and I can't let my only opportunity to be with someone slip away".

By the end of it, I decided that, whole heartedly, I'd rather be alone forever than be with someone who treats me poorly. But it took a lot to get me there 🫣

So anyway... 🙈 I thought I had it all because I thought "Finally I have feelings for someone. Finally I won't be alone" and then "Finally he's starting to treat me like a person."

And then we broke up. After I'd spent months essentially planning my life around him. And I was very, very lost.