The Only Thing You Love: Preview Verse 1 👀 (Patreon)

I told you it gets even better immediately after the clip I've been playing on stream! 🙈

I went on a whole journey 😅

TLDR; I have a lot of emotions about this song and I can't contain it (I know, a shocking revelation), Alanna is the best, and the start of the Villain Era is - appropriately - the point of highest vulnerability and lowest self-worth. And that. Is scary. And I don't want that to get lost in the Villain Era hype 🫣 But ultimately...I actually want people to hear this...and that's low-key a first for me 🫣

I know I've said this a million times by now, but I genuinely do not know how to contain all the feelings I have about this song and this release in particular. It's the first time I'm genuinely, properly happy with how one of my fully produced songs has turned out.

Dan did a fantastic job with what he had for the Honestly EP, but I think with that one, I just had been through so much absolute BS and had such an awful experience, that I just...I could never fully love those songs. And honestly (no pun intended 🫣), I never really had much of a vision for those songs anyway; they were at the start of my songwriting career and I'd never really considered they might be "real songs" some day 🙈

BUT THIS SONG.

First of all, I feel like Alanna and I just really understand each other. She understands the vibe that I'm going for and is always super receptive to feedback....plus she understands what I'm talking about when I say things like "the vibe" 😂🙈 Which for me is honestly so necessary at this point. I wish I had a better way to describe things, but I really just don't. And hilariously, neither did Alanna, really! But she got it.

But this song also comes with an extra layer of vulnerability.

Sure, it's the official start of the Villain Era. But it's also the start of my "processing trauma" Era. I think especially with all the sassy songs that came from it, it's easy to forget that the Villain Era started from absolute devastation. Feeling hurt, and betrayed, and just utterly crushed by the cycle of abuse and the lasting consequences of that.

I know that "The Only Thing You Love" is very clearly still a sad song, just with a different tone. The moody tone that distinguishes much of the Villain Era from the rest of my music. And it's clearly sad and vulnerable. But I think we still forget that this is, by far, the most vulnerable and personal music I will have released to date. It's still the most vulnerable and personal music I've ever written. And it may always be.

And that is terrifying.

I'm doing the brave things and creating music from pain, and getting it produced, and sharing the most sensitive parts of my broken little heart with the world. And that is plenty to be proud of. But it's also plenty to be scared of. And I don't need people to like it, or for the song to be successful, to still be proud and to know that I created something from my trauma; that I helped myself heal. But gosh darn...it's just a scary position to be in.

 

I think low-key a part of me is also struggling to reconcile with the fact that, being a part of my villain arc, a lot of the hype and excitement around this song bolsters me up as someone who has taken back their power or something, but this song isn't that. And that's important to me. This part of me that was too naive, broken, and bereft of self-worth to accept that how I was being treated wasn't my fault...that was where the strength was born. But it did not feel that way. And it still doesn't most days.

And that is important. Because it usually doesn't. No matter who you are or what the circumstances, the time when you feel stuck and/or to blame in toxic relationships/encounters never feels like a place of strength. It feels hopeless. It feels suffocating. And that's what this song is. And I think I just don't want to lose sight of that 🤷‍♀️

I am not the boxer, yet. I haven't learned yet that I am not just a punching bag. I haven't stopping thinking that I put myself in that position. I haven't come to accept that even if I was actually doing something wrong, it doesn't make being treated like the punching bag an acceptable response. I haven't learned that I don't deserve to be hurt like that. I have, but...this is what the song is about.

And I want people to hear it. And if they relate to it, maybe feel a little less alone or get a bit of a cathartic release. And if they don't, just vibe and scream and cry maybe 😂🙈

Anyway, I am going to need to have a proper celebration and/or break[down] at some point after the song release 😅 Maybe March 🤷‍♀️