Unfinished Song Vault: over my head (Patreon)

I have been worse at messaging people in the past 6 months to a year than ever before in my life. And that's not just community things, but also the people closest to me in my life.

I'm sure I've talked about it plenty, but I've just never had a lot of energy for messaging. In the past, prior to starting streaming, at any given time in my life there would be maybe 2-3 people that I would message regularly. That was what I could handle. If there was anything else I responded to, it was usually either an obligation or a sparingly active group chat.

I am that weird millennial who actually typically prefers a phone call. Because truthfully, they are just less effort for my brain most days. When I'm fatigued enough that speaking is too effortful, I'd rather text because I can take all the time in the world to respond. But otherwise, texting/messaging is just so exhausting to me. It's too many steps! I have to pick up my phone, choose how many and which messages to read in the moment, read the message(s), I usually think / respond in my head as I read, try to remember what I read, and then start typing out a response before I can finally hit send...and that's assuming I remember to do those last two steps. 😅

I know it probably doesn't sound like a lot, but when you're neurospicy and/or chronically ill and chronically fatigued, just the number of steps can be overwhelming enough to not be able to physically start the task. So these days, I am finally just responding to messages as I feel up to it, which helps a lot with the overwhelm. Sometimes that means I respond right away, sometimes not for nearly a year...usually somewhere in the middle. It's a very big middle, but I am just a little guy and I am doing my best 😂🙈

ANYWAY all that to say, I wrote this piece of a song during a time when I was feeling so overwhelmed by messages that I would cry and genuinely throw my phone when I got a new message. And at the same time, I still had people who expected messages and consistent conversation and check-ins. And I just couldn't do it. And I felt terrible.

I felt like a bad friend. I felt guilty for needing to step away to have any chance of taking care of my own needs. Putting my own needs first was very new to me; it's something I'm still working on to this day. So at the time, it felt like the biggest betrayal.

I wrote this as a way to get out what I felt like I needed to say, but couldn't. To explain myself for something I shouldn't have to explain myself for, because I have that deep desire to be understood. Because if I'm not understood, I must seem like a monster. I must truly be a horrible person and a worse friend.

And to remind myself that I was doing what I needed to do for me. And that's okay. To expect more from me was unfair. Whether I was the one with the expectation or someone else 😅🫣

Unrelated, I really like the chord progression on this one 👀

Lyrics:

You always say the wrong things

But I can't hear the wrong things right now

And I need a little rest

'Cause I'm a bit depressed

I can't hear about the same things

Over and over again

You think that I'm a good friend

But I can't be the right friend right now

Any time I see your messages

I get so upset

I just wanna be a good friend

But I'm not a therapist