Unfinished Song-in-Progress: Monster (Patreon)

Sooooo...remember how I talked about having this deep seated belief that I am secretly a monster; that I am, deep down, a terrible, manipulative, mean-spirited person with a selfish desire to take advantage of people for my own personal gain...and I'm just really good at convincing people otherwise and pretending otherwise to myself? 😅🫣

I think, ultimately, this belief is rooted in family and relationship trauma, and the clinical narcissist in my life who will remain unnamed, but I am deeply terrified to become. I know logically that's not how narcissism really works, but what if it's in me??

I think it's a tricky thing because I'll never be able to really prove my intentions and I'll always be able to think of the "selfish" argument, but...maybe someday it'll get a little easier 😅 Until then, I will continue to question every action and interaction and wonder if everything I do and say is just an attempt to trick people into thinking I'm not a bad person, and how that in itself is a weird and maybe selfish thing to do 🫣👍

And that's what I wrote this piece about. (Obviously, otherwise I don't know why I just told you all of that 😂)

I'm not super set on the melody for this one; I feel like it needs to be a little bit darker or more intense somehow? And obviously I need to build more into/around it. But I will say I felt kind of clever about the last line here 🙈 A little nod to the fact that I know it's all in my head...and also my propensity for putting big words into songs for no real reason other than I can 😅

Ps. Merry Christmas and happy holidays!! 🎄✨

Lyrics:

Don't know anyone more selfish

You're helpless

To the tricks that I play

Master of manipulation

My internal tribulation