Behind-the-Song: Scars pt.2 (Patreon)

This song is very much written in a progression. Going from wanting to be invisible to not wanting to disappear to feeling lost. Sometimes those things take years to cycle through, and sometimes it's all happening at the same time...

I just wanna fade into the background; I'll be the flower on the wall

Like I said, it starts out being about wanting to be invisible. Not wanting to be seen. Feeling too vulnerable and feeling like I need to hide all the parts of me that aren't perfect (aka me as a person... 😅). Fading away feels safer. It feels easier than facing the potential scrutiny or judgement of others that is so inevitable when you're being perceived.

In this line, I'd rather be a wallflower; I'd rather not be acknowledged; I'd rather my existence in the minds of others fade entirely to grey than to risk being perceived. Than to risk other people's perceptions reinforcing the belief that I am not enough. Whereas in the next chorus...

I don't wanna fade into the background; I can't be the flower on the wall

This comes from a realization that I can't do everything alone. I don't want to keep hiding who I am. I don't want to continue to be quiet/silent and small because that's not who I am. And I am genuinely not capable of hiding myself forever. I am not capable of keeping quiet (as we are all quite familiar with 😂).

But I'm a scared little bean...

I don't know what happens if I pull the mask down / Would anybody even hear me if I called?

I kept quiet and hid parts of myself for so long to be as likeable and agreeable, but also invisible, as possible. I was terrified of how people would react to me...as me 🫣 I am loud and quirky and weird, and that is not what people tell you you're supposed to be 😅 Would anyone accept me, or would I still be alone?

And along the same line, the real me was someone who had issues that I couldn't handle alone. I'd always been the listening ear. Because I care, but also because I was quiet and approachable intentionally to be what people wanted. And I never cared about my own wants or needs. So nobody knew what they were, not that most people ever asked 🤷‍♀️

So what if I did stop hiding? What if I did unmask and let people see me? What if I stopped only trying to please everyone else?

Would anyone want to see me, or would my invisibility go from passive to active; would people intentionally avoid me? Would anyone care about me...? Would anyone stick around when they found out I was struggling?

IT'S A SAD SONG, OKAY? 🙈