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730 - The Man Who Would Be King (5/8/23) (Patreon)

Published:
2023-05-09 02:58:11
Imported:
2026-06

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Content

We cover some breaking 17th century news and look at the race car driving heir to the House of Habsburg, as well as the coronation of King Charles III, for a little modern-day Hell on Earth. Then, keeping with the theme of gratuitous puff-pieces in the Times, we look at “Liz” Holmes attempt to rebrand herself as a gee-shucks everyday mom and family woman ahead of her sentencing for medical fraud. Finally, we catch up on the ever-mounting corruption in the Supreme Court, and what our elected officials will fail to do about it.

The piece about heart transplants Felix mentions in this: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/04/18/opinion/heart-transplant-donor.html

New merch, including Hell on Earth designs and re-stocked Zapata Oil hats, available for order through May 24th here: https://represent.com/store/chapo-trap-house

Files

Comments

will michel

i’m gay and i also have cancer

skrrt vonnegut

There is no compulsion in french fries

J. A.

Fuck the lakers

J. A.

AYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOO

J. A.

My boy

Logan McQuaid

Why doesn't Chapo have regular recognizable merch? No one has heard of Zapata but some people have at least heard of Chapo trap house

T

You don't want to let random people know that you listen to a podcast. Only real heads will recognize the Zapata Oil hat.

Mitch H.

It's like the Jesus fish

SCB

Chapotraphouse.

Logan McQuaid

Seems like it would be better to advertise to try to get more people. Works for cokecola, ISIS, and online gambling

Leonard Haise

Sorry Sweet Potato fries rule suck my ass

NYCM&AHole

The Schönbrunn is like the Austrian Versailles. It’s pretty cool.

Evan Pitkin

Appreciated the De Niro in Copland reference. Underrated movie.

NYCM&AHole

Lady Di had a racing car courtesy of MI5

NYCM&AHole

lol von Thyssen? Is that the Nazi Thyssens?

Blorst of times

Coyote vests makes protective spiked vests for dogs

Okie From Muskogee

As a microbiology nerd and certified phlebotomist (literally for no reason), the reason most of the Theranos tests would be impossible to perform with a drop of blood from a finger prick is not a limitation of technology, but a limitation of capillary blood versus venous blood. Any poor sap working in a serology lab could have told her that.

ResilientBastard

Yo we need a Hapsburg Interview on Chapo; he seems down

Ben Zaretsky

I’m One minute in here guys - in my best will smith voice I proclaim - keep my wife’s name - aka sweet potato French fries out ya damn mouth

Kerri

Matt. Culver's has waffle cut sweet potato fries on occasion. Keep your eyes peeled so you don't miss this opportunity should it reoccur.

BJGreasly

Schönbrunn zoo is one of the best zoos I've ever been to

Wilko

If you grow up in central Europe and you and your family are even slightly interested in history, you just know what an Orangerie is. Every other castle or palace has one.

J P 3

Henry Kissinger put $3 million into Theranos. The Waltons, DeVoses, and others put $370 million (per Ben Burgis's article in Jacobin in 2021). Rather than arguing that she's a good person who's misunderstood, a better defense would be to really lean into the charges, and put more focus on some of her less sympathetic "victims". Of course, there is no way The NY Times would run this type of PR defense.

jdcofla

At lest the Hapsburg is doing cool shit like racing instead of being some low T socialite

Jim McKenna

"Liz" Holmes is a grifter. I read about what she did and the things she was pitching. She never had any clear idea of how the technology she claimed as hers could ever possibly work. I'm always amazed how rich people remain rich no matter what they do, and nearly never pay for the damage they inflict on others. And then facing indictment, she gets married to a trust fund fail-son and and punches out babies so she can play the Mommy card and stay out of prison. The NYT article is not the only part of a recent Holmes media campaign. Will it work? Probably. It makes me sick.

Dan

I was not expecting the Moxy Früvous reference. I'm continually astounded by Chapo's knowledge of Canadiana.

Kent Venture

love it when the boys talk about apes

Quaritch

I’m glad He’ll on Earth has bled into the regular episodes.

Dan

Sweet potato fries are great with Chipotle mayo.

Zach Pierce

Ooh a Hot-psburg guy! Guess I’m going gay for that race car drivin’ prince! Wish me luck. Vroom vroom

Zach Pierce

Celtics Lakers it’s 87 all over again! My second grade summer is reborn

Tomás Walsh

Someone got Moxy Früous in my Chapo

fredbaroque

It's pronounced "Habsburg-Lordoftherings".

Bryce Rodriguez

Hapsburg is kinda dope because he chose to be an endurance racer. Must respect it

NYCM&AHole

Yeah I hope the Charlie javice chick leans into the “better in my pocket than Jamie Pedoiphile Isle Dimon’s” angle

Jon Spiegler

Tenth grade I worked at a gay bar called the trailer park grill that had sweet potato fries with cinnamon and sugar. God tier

BB

those are who you'd call "rubes", Logan

Michael

an orangery is so they could grow citrus indoors during the winter

Robert Armstrong

Hell on Earth got me playing Empire: Total War again and, no cap, I kicked those Austrian papists off the continent and eradicated them at Gibraltar. Prussia FTW!

William

The focus on “innovation “ solving our problems when the actual answers are so easy and basic is probably the best irony in today’s age

Tim U.

"I sleep in a big bed with my sister" 🏎️🏎️🏎️

absoluteboi

while prison sentences don't actually fix any wrong, i do find the holmes case to be a parallel to the shkrelli case, who also got a lengthy prison term specifically for defrauding rich people while (rightfully) vilified in the media for the harm done to the less fortunate victims of their schemes. i'm not going to shed a tear for either of these people, despite the fact that there are other people who are smart enough to stay out of the public eye that deserve worse and will likely never get their comeuppance. they are a combination of psychopathy and greed that left unchecked, just resurfaces over and over with some other insane idea for screwing people over. they deserve to eat shit too.

Damen Irving

Folks, Hapsburg fever is sweeping the nation! The FBI wants them, grotesques of vague European extraction want to be them.

Demented Avenger

Oh, the irony: Eduard is a poster, the profession created by Martin Luther.

David Crandall

Ah yes the "ordinary" citizen who gets to drive a million dollar race car.

Demented Avenger

Ferdinand is such a Chad: he's a Habsburg who won in France.

Ian H

Yeah, the people given false positive/negative diabetes results or the pregnant women who were told they'd miscarried should be enough to justify prison.

Doug Cartel

I'm glad I have some reading material from the based Habsburgs to celebrate Victory Day shit shit I'm sorry it's Europe Day, I'm sorry it's Europe Day NOT Victory Day

Tom

This was the right take on Holmes. I've been so curious to hear what she's been up to. And if the NY Times needs to keep a golden retriever on its payroll with a history of horrible takes in order to get it. I'm all for it.

Christian Kaiser

No but it does prove how bad Catholic monarchs lost

Mark Schneider

Regarding Matt & Chris' royalist bashing, I will satisfy my honor by reminding them, "Honi soit qui mal y pense!"

Ian H

The other thing that Harlan Crow buys is the ability to auction off access to a Supreme Court justice. If every other massively rich guy with business before the court knows that an invite to the lakehouse equals unfettered opportunity to bend Thomas' ear in private, I reckon they'd be willing to pay quite a bit or exchange some serious favors for it.

Emily Richardson

Hit the nail on the head about Stanford being a demon factory.

Stephen David Miller

What they are fully missing is that you can pair sweet potato fries with a zesty or spicy sauce and that balances the sweetness perfectly

Jeemar

i love it when i discover a new song that i enjoy from a band i have never heard of, and "King of Spain" rules, thank you daddies

Ozzie

Steak n Shake has shoestring fries and they are awesome

Keenan Fitzgerald

Seppuku via twice baked Fry Sword is the final Fry principle

Andrew James

She isn’t from the Bay Area, her father was an Enron executive and she grew up in Texas

syd

genuinely such an evil healthcare system. I finally got insurance from my job so I can get the otherwise $15,000 surgery that is basically the only treatment for a condition that 10% of women have. One that you usually have to get multiple times throughout your life. Folks, we love it here don't we

Naked_SoNUshka

Hey Chapo Trap House! Good episode! I really like all the topics that you chose to cover today in this show

Bryan Welch

I think they were actually on shark tank as well!

Seb

Yup, back when citrus was so expensive and hard to get that it was an incredible flex to be able to afford an entire building dedicated to growing those trees indoors.

Mark Schneider

Bigger or smaller than U of Chicago?

Jeffrey Miller

I have a heart condition where I have to get a couple of expensive tests every other year or so. While my insurance covers most of it, I usually hit my out of pocket minimum on those years which is a few thousand bucks. I sure do love paying a huge fee to make sure I don't suddenly die due to something I was born with!

B2B Commuter

It’s hard to compare champions from different eras.

jfk truther

Media writers are ass, just primally untalented

Dan

The worst line in that article is "She doesn't really care if we believe her." On the contrary, she doesn't really care if what she says is true. Her entire business was founded on convincing people to believe her.

4-bees

The fact that the Chapo boys are Moxy Früvous heads makes me smile.

Greg

yea totally. SP fries and ketchup? Get outta here. Aioli? now we are talking

etienne

Democrat Chigurgh be like "what's the most you've ever lost on an election"

Andrew E Houston

My favorite folksy colloquialism that is nonsense goes like this, "It takes a mighty big dog to weigh a ton." Da fuq does that mean?

big jimmy dong the human blockhead

Probably would've been a good idea to include the suicide of Theranos engineer Ian Gibbons in this podcast, let alone the shitty NYT article. "Liz's" abhorrent behavior of invalidating Gibbon's pleas to her that the technology was bullshit and that she was lying lead him to kill himself before his deposition.

big jimmy dong the human blockhead

“On the evening of May 16, Ian Gibbons ingested a combination of wine and acetaminophen. The following morning, Rochelle Gibbons discovered him on their bathroom floor, unconscious and barely breathing. He died, aged 67, of liver failure in a hospital on May 23, 2013. When Rochelle Gibbons called Holmes' office to report his death, Holmes did not return her call. Gibbons' wife, however, received an email from a Theranos lawyer requesting she immediately return Gibbons' company laptop and any confidential information he might have had in his possession.Holmes sent an internal company email to several colleagues informing them of Gibbons' death and that a memorial service would be held; no memorial service, however, was organized by Holmes or her company. After Gibbons's death, lawyers for Theranos threatened his widow — and Elizabeth Holmes and her partner Sunny Balwani texted about filing a lawsuit against her." Holmes is as bad as any fucking hospital and pharma CEO and she deserves prison time.

syd

Jesus christ I am sorry to hear that. Being born with a chronic health issue in America is like a kind of original sin except instead of repenting you have to routinely fork over thousands of dollars

Slamp

About ten years ago, a friend's step father fell down in the kitchen and landed on the corner of the table. He severed an artery in his neck and was paralyzed from the neck down. My friends family sold their farm house that they had owned for over a decade, just to pay the medical bills that piled up. They moved in with their parents several states away, and my friends dad died in massive debt. My friends mom had hep c and died three years after her husband. She gave what little of her money she had left to alternative health grifters bc regular health care was too expensive. Her son is in prison now. Fuck this country.

etienne

she really girlbossed gaslit gatekept too hard

etienne

being caught with my pants down dripping with piss, cum and fard and going like "if you think that's fucked up that's on you bro"

etienne

on the one hand FIA Enduro is textbook F1 washout but otoh taking a win in LMP2 is pretty legit

BB

wait... he lives in an apartment with WHO??!

Evan Scott

why are they letting a habsburg live with his sister

Mark Schneider

Well, uhm the original quote was when he fixed his gal pal dance partner's garter which had slipped down on her leg. It seemed pretty courtly & even proto-feminist that he bent down & straightened it for her himself rather than body or garter-shaming! I like your version though, & I suppose if I'm ever caught in such a situation (in my younger years it wasn't impossible) I'd take the same reply as working!

NakedSunFlower

I can't help but respect Ferdinand Habsburg, as he is doing a good job, and does not become a cell of a secular society. Great guy!

Mark Schneider

The 30 Rock episode where Jenna Maroni is courted by Paul Rubens as a degenerated Habsburg heir who expires when he attempts sex activity is also pretty classic.

etienne

wow that's awesome i love monarchy now

K H

There is a 0% chance a mountain lion carried away an entire husky from their front porch. She probably killed the dog because everyone liked him more. This is why she is going to jail. She's annoying and she made the important people look stupid.

K H

We need a buddy dramedy with him and Hunter Biden.

instain_mother

I wanna shout at the screen that the funniest/most fucked up part of the Martha Stewart saga is that James Comey is the guy who lead the witch hunt against her. That's what I originally knew him for. He was a grand standing piece of shit back then too.

snapplepeachtea

so the heir to the hapsburgs is an adult man who lives with his adult sister? sus

Quém é

bringing about the Egg Age with your sister/brother incest Acid Saoshyant

DEATH666VALLEY

A hit dog will holler is a great saying. You get to call them a dog, you’re pointing out that you hit them, and now you’re belittling their response. Southern chapo fans will have to form a splinter group, I reckon.

David Cox

She's going to jail because she presumed to the throne of his majesty and royal highness Steve (blue box maker) Jobs, the only one allowed to wear the royal black turtleneck according to neoliberal technological determinist unspoken rules within rules with oh who cares...

Matelda

The dog you hit is the one to which the insult applied. If the dog isn't racist, he doesn't holler when you call him racist because he wasn't hit. He just looks at you confused by your comment.

james

Wait why are we going soft on the blood fraud psycho? And did Will say, “great job Amy Cheznick”???

Dan

I hope they aren't fans of Jian Ghomeshi's later work.

Steve D

SP fries really do hit different.

Steve D

Christ, that is very very well put.

Steve D

Love when our boys totally whiff on a metaphor.

etienne

yeaaaah it's like being in a pro team that makes it like one or two rounds into the playoffs but not win an actual championship. like there's only 20 F1 seats and some drivers stay in for a more than a decade

B2B Commuter

My mom just told me a few weeks back that my uncle, her brother in law, is going to outlive his heart transplant in the next few years. He was born with a birth defect that flipped the ventricles in his heart and about 15 years ago the Cleveland Clinic did a transplant where they managed to reconfigure the heart in a way that it fit with how the rest off the set up of his chest was set up because of that defect. He’s the most active person I’ve ever known, having gone through two pacemakers on his new heart already, the thought that he’s just going to outlive yet another heart is a testament to his spirit, but that does little to comfort my aunt or cousins. Thanks for bringing up the fact that this happens though, I know I was completely in the dark until I found out.

etienne

if you want to be really cynical you could say that the reporting on justice Thomas is a kind of brand activation for the corruption itself. You don't really have to believe that Thomas himself was influenced one way or another, but it might pay to let the next generation of legal scholars know which side pays

Siddhartha

It’s obvious from the Theranos book that she has the moral sense of Patrick Bateman and would absolutely go full Buttigieg on a defenseless dog.

Jeffrey Miller

I think you're uncle and I might have been born with the same defect. From what I know, those who had the same kind of surgery to fix it are starting to have problems. I'm 39 and I'm extremely lucky I haven't had any serious problems so far, but I know the day is coming where it'll start falling apart.

Major bit me

My PhD thesis - Chapo Pessimism: The Growing Cynicism of the ‘Dirtbag Left’

Ian H

Dude, the biggest St. Bernards are like 240 lbs. Imagine a dog almost 10 times that size. That's a big dog.

kee

Actual traditional use for "hit dogs holler"; if someone takes offense to something you say, that you, crucially, did not directly name, they are signalling that they are representative of your statement.

Jed Levin

Ferdinand’s “leg-pussy!!” 😆

Bryce Rodriguez

I disagree endurance is a prestige series in its own right. I’m an F1 super fan but I respect endurance people because it’s not an easy discipline

Valentino

Moxy Früvous song with specific Canadian references, Chapo Canadian tour confirmed.

Matelda

It's a cynicism rooted in sincerity. They weren't just blustering about their 2020 primary analysis, that it was our last off-ramp from apocalypse highway.

Matelda

Close enough

burkina fatso

my buddy’s step-dad is the CFO of “Susan G Komen For the Cure” as well as a big bank in my state. when i first met him i was a sapling leftist and pointed out the issues i saw with charity and distribution of resources. he was clearly challenged but a nice guy for the most part and we got on alright. i also roasted him when i saw these gaudy pink SGK construction elevators downtown, an obvious waste of money. i always hope i’ll get to see him again now that i’m equipped with the knowledge that only 13% of susan g komen’s revenue gets spent on cancer research. THIRTEEN PERCENT!! anyway y’all really should do an episode on the charity/NGO-complex

B2B Commuter

I hope your luck continues, and I hope the surgery goes well if you ever have to cross that bridge, Jeffery.

etienne

honestly like i can respect haas for going for a pair of dinosaurs who at least know how to bring a car to the checkered flag but everything about their lineup is insanely funny. also about their sponsors. and everything. just a complete shitpost of a team. i hope they stick it out for 20 more years at least

Kyle Smyth

Hard for me to get into the mindset of people taken in by the Holmes persona and similar figures to the tune of millions. I can only assume it's because rich investors think of themselves as something like demigods and believe they can recognize those qualities in others

Boaz Corey

Until recently I was with them on sweet potato fries. But I tried them at home, soaked some in corn starch water and deep fried they were delicious.

Major bit me

Yeah don’t get me wrong cynicism is good, we need more cynicism

Jonathan G

can someone explain why chris can't just be 4th mic. Don't give the response you think is funny.

Poppy Chulo

I'll tell you and it's absolutely not funny, in fact it's very serious... because he's gay and retarded.

J.P. McD.

Oh nice that is great after all

J.P. McD.

Good luck friends

J.P. McD.

I prefer “the lady doth protest too much, methinks”

Horse Badorties

Martha went up for the cover-up, not the crime.

Horse Badorties

Using a garter to cover up is open wound would be rad

Reece Coren

i cant come into work today i girlbossed to close to the sun

Kinetics Video

Because those are table stakes for them and also they are dumb

Kinetics Video

I think I liked them more when they peddled in Chapo Futurism, and the Back to Chaprifca period

Kinetics Video

Feel p sure Shkreli killed a lot more ppl, but yeah no great loss for either

Kinetics Video

The fry commandments were an absolute treat. They really understand us better than we ever will. For Holmes I feel a lot of the same ambivalence as Tulsi. About the same level of opportunism and malice as the rest of their respective milieus, but at the very least they have a sliver of personal appeal. Both of them also mostly maligned for just barely not making it into the insiders' circle. My wish cast for "Liz" is that she serves as the frontman for the epic liberal Twitter alternative once the bird site finally goes too far. Not that I want such a thing to exist, but there will always be a need for someone to be the avatar of Microchips Will Save Us and God am I sick of that being Elon.

Heavenly Father69

"WHAT...YEAH I HEARD YOU WHAT?" How the fuck is Matt already 76 years old? Has he broken the code to skip middle age and go right to former hisotry professor grumpy as fuck lawn protecting old man?

Jacob Jones

Look now, the South has its problems, but we aren't a complete sign off...

Smile

knowing that tidbit is even funnier knowing that he got into law enforcement because his house was invaded by the local molester… and what does he do when he gets there? Go after the bougie housewife

Daniel Martínez González

Please Matt, learn spanish and make a youtube channel just to bully the shark mentality idiots that have sprung here lately and are menacing our spanish ways.

nick

peak Chapo :)

YukiNukem64x

"Little William is still alive, I mean, no matter the doctors opinion, they still cooled that baby down" ahahah I'm dying XD

Khemith

"Typical bravery of a prosecutor" - Felix This is so powerfully true. Prosecutors are cowards who use police who are cowards to cover for them.

Nolan

In hindsight this reminds me of the game of thrones idea that there were good people fighting to rule over everything.

Lawson

Of course you're all F1 guys