Tonight's livewriting: the Melancholy of Pinkie Pie (Patreon)

When class finally ended, I made a beeline for the club room. I just couldn’t take the tension anymore. Whatever Pinkie had in mind- whatever explosion, whatever cockamamie plan she was devising- I just wanted to get it over and done with.

Twilight was in the room, like always. She might as well have been a piece of furniture, just like the chair she sat in. That’s probably why I spoke to Rarity first, who from all appearances had arrived about five seconds ahead of me.

“So,” I said, “I suppose you have something you want to confess to me, too?”

“Do I?” Rarity asked, all fake innocence. “Why, whatever do you mean, darling?”

“Well, at the beginning of the school year, Haruhi asked any aliens, time travelers, and magic users to come see her. I’m none of the above.”

“I know that,” Rarity said, matter-of-factly. 

That threw me for a moment. A normal pony wouldn’t say that. A normal pony might have said, Of course you aren’t, or maybe, Are you sure? But I filed it for future reference and moved on. “But Twilight is an alien, and Fluttershy tells me she’s a time traveler. That makes either you or Rainbow Dash the magic user, and not saying anything bad about Rainbow, but she doesn’t strike me as the magical type.”

“Oh, she has her moments,” Rarity said, smiling serenely, “but you’re quite right. However…” She gave the door to the club room a quick glance. “This is not the place to have a private conversation. Shall we adjourn to a more secluded locale?”

We each had a steaming cup of hot tea from the vending machine next to the cafeteria. The cups sat in front of us on one of the little outdoor tables. “All right,” I said, “talk.”

“Well, you put it so bluntly,” Rarity said, playing up her coyness for all it was worth. “Wherever shall I begin?”

“Let’s begin with why you’re here. It’s about Pinkie Pie, right?”

“You might say that,” Rarity admitted. “What do you know about her?”

“Besides the fact that she’s loco? Not much. But the three of you sure think she’s important.”

“Well, that’s because she is, darling,” Rarity said. “Terribly important, in ways you can’t… but I beg your pardon,” she said, subsiding a little from her moment of almost excitement. “I suppose I should say, up front, that my associates and I mean Pinkie Pie no harm. In fact, we’re quite keen on keeping her safe, for reasons I hope to explain.”

“Does it have something to do with magic?”

“Please don’t tread on my lines, darling.”

Oh, please, someone spare me the drama queen acting. 

“You say we. So there’s more than one magic user?”

“Not an enormous number, but yes. We have formed a… let us say an agency, yes, an agency dedicated to a common purpose. And that purpose is Pinkamena Diane Pie.”

Agency. Right. And where do you fit into it, I’d like to know?

“Of course, my transfer to this school was quite unplanned. I’d never had any expectation of being even in the line of sight of Pinkie Pie. But when we heard that the other factions had somehow inserted representatives within Pinkie Pie’s intimate circles, it was felt we needed someone with hooves on the ground, so to speak, to… represent our interests.”

And what interests are those?

“Why, the same interests that caused us to form the agency, three years ago. In fact, it’s not altogether wrong to say that we- those of us who comprise the agency- exist for the purposes of Pinkie Pie.”

I rubbed my head. This roundabout talk was giving me a headache. “Look, if you’re a magic user, prove it,” I said. “Show me some magic.”

Rarity’s smile took a wry twist. “Ah, would that I could,” she said. “Lamentably, my powers are quite limited in nature. Most of them can only be used in a particular time and place. But perhaps I can arrange for you to witness such a thing. We shall see.

“But I can tell you this. On a particular day, not quite three years ago, I woke up with several pieces of knowledge stamped into my mind which had certainly not been there the night before. And the first and foremost bit of knowledge- and this is the only part of my power which works all the time, darling- is the knowledge of the existence, the location, and the emotional state of one Pinkamina Diane Pie.”

A casual hoof pointed towards a particular classroom window- class 1-5. “At the moment, she’s right over there,” Rarity said. “I suppose she has classroom cleaning duty today. And her heart is quite troubled today, as I expect you know.”

That didn’t impress me. Any of that information could have been picked up in lunchtime gossip, and I said as much.

“Of course it could, darling,” she said. “I didn’t mean for that to be proof of my abilities. When I can arrange it, rest assured, you’ll have all the proof you could ask.”

I’ll bet. 

“So what do you want with Pinkie, then?” I asked. “I suppose you’re going to say you worship her or something because she gave you these nifty new powers, or something.”

Rarity made a show of considering this. “It is peculiar,” she said at last, “how you continually anticipate what I’m going to say.” She shook her head. “But this takes a little explanation. How familiar are you with philosophy?”

I don’t hold truck with philosophy. Any pony can imagine this or that thing. I deal in stuff a pony can get her hooves on. 

“Ah. Then I’ll try to keep this simple.” Rarity took her cup in her hooves, took a sip of the already lukewarm tea, and set it down again. “Consider this problem: what evidence do you have that the world was not created today?”

Well, for one thing, if I’d seen Faust Herself putting the world together when I got up this morning, I’d like to think I’d have noticed.

“You jest,” Rarity said, her voice cooling like the tea. “But please, I’m quite serious about this. What can you show me to prove that this world existed yesterday?”

Well… there’s my memories, and the memories of everyone else. All the stuff written down from ages ago. Ancient monuments. Buildings that took years to make. There’s got to be all kinds of evidence.

“As you say, dear. But the problem with all of that is that your buildings, your books, even your mind and your memories, are in this world, as it exists, now. If you presume that the world was created today, and you along with it, and that your mind was filled with false memories of a time before the creation, along with the buildings too old to exist, the books of things that never happened, all of it… how, then could you prove otherwise?”

Now that’s just playing word games. Any proof I name, you’ll just add it to the list of things created this morning.

“Exactly,” Rarity nodded. “Now we come to the point. Those higher up in the Agency than myself surmise that… well, that’s putting it too strongly. They believe it is possible that this world was created three years ago, and that the person who created it was Pinkamena Diane Pie.”

“You’re outta your mind.”

“I admit that’s also a viable hypothesis,” Rarity said without batting an eyelash. “But you want to know what our interest in Pinkie is. Well, please consider what I’ve said, and then follow the logic.”

“Why don’t you lead me instead? I’ve got no patience for fancy words.”

“I’ve noticed. Well, the higher-ups I mentioned believe the world, as it currently exists, is nothing more than the dream of a vastly powerful creature. And that includes everything in the world, including ourselves, which is how we could wake up one morning with knowledge of very unusual abilities and the circumstances under which they may be used. I don’t ask you to believe this yourself, but please understand that this is what my superiors believe.”

I thought about this a moment. “A dream, you said.”

“That’s right. And what’s your first reaction to that?”

“Simple. What happens if this all-powerful creature wakes up?”

“Precisely.” The false sweetness and manners hadn’t left, exactly, but they’d been damped down. The unicorn sitting across from me was serious right now. “If this world is a dream, it’s only logical that the dreamer can change anything within it on a whim. What happens when the dreamer awakens? Or worse…” Rarity picked up her cup again. “What happens if the dreamer becomes dissatisfied with her dream and decides to start a new one?”

And you think Pinkie Pie can do that?

“No, darling. I know for a fact she can do it, the same way I can always point in her direction. The same way I can always feel what she feels. I know it more deeply than I know my own name.”

If any pony could do stuff like that, wouldn’t that make her a god?

“That is one definition of godhood, yes,” Rarity said. “Which is why we of the Agency are concerned. This world has its flaws and troubles, goodness knows, but we’re rather attached to it. And more to the point, we might not be attached to the next one. Do you understand my meaning?”

“Well, why don’t you just go up to Pinkie and say, ‘Hey, we think you’re God, so we’re asking you, pretty please don’t destroy the world’?”

“You scoff. Obviously Pinkie Pie doesn’t know she has this power. But it exists, nonetheless. We have our own existence for evidence, and… well, the other evidence we have will have to await events. But… I take it you now believe what Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy have told you?”

Twilight Sparkle, yes. I’m still thinking about Fluttershy.

“Well, consider the possibility that aliens and time travelers did not exist until three years ago. And then Pinkie Pie willed them to exist, so that there would be marvelous things in her world. And once she caused them to exist,” Rarity said, waving a hoof, “they had always existed.”

If there are any aliens, time-travelers, or magic users, come see me. The words echoed in my ears.

“Pinkie doesn’t know she has this power, but unconsciously she’s using it- and the frequency of use is increasing. She’s dragged Twilight and Fluttershy into her orbit. After a fashion, it could be said she did the same to me.”

“Yeah, but what have I got to do with it? Rainbow Dash I can understand- she and Fluttershy are kind of a two-for-one deal. But I’m not any of those lunatic things. I’m just an ordinary earth pony!”

“Yes, I know,” Rarity said quietly. The look she gave me, though, wasn’t condescending or analytical. She looked… concerned, and concerned for me in particular. I hadn’t expected that. “You are the greatest mystery surrounding Pinkie Pie. For whatever reason, she chose you, an ordinary pony, along with the rest of us. We’ve investigated you- the Agency, I mean, though doubtless Twilight’s people and Fluttershy’s have done the same- and can find nothing out of the ordinary whatever. We have no explanation. That makes you, in our estimation, the most important part of the puzzle. Also the most endangered.”

Yeah, I’ve had a sample of that already, I think. 

“Please don’t be so… so lackadasical!” Rarity slammed her hoof on the table, knocking over what was left of our tea. “For all we know, you might hold the fate of our world in your hooves! Twilight, Fluttershy and I are clearly Pinkie’s playthings. But what are you? Where do you fit in? We don’t know!” She laid a forehoof across her forehead dramatically. “It is just so FRUSTRATING!”

“Well, what do you want me to do about it?” I snapped. “I told you I don’t have a head for all this. I’m a simple country pony in high school, and that’s all I am!”

“Be there for Pinkie Pie,” Rarity said, with a passion almost totally absent from the beginning of her conversation. “If at all possible, keep her happy. She absolutely must not lose hope in this world. If she gives up, the consequences…”

So I’m supposed to save the world now? 

“Oh, I never said you wouldn’t have help, darling.” She got up from the table, which made a little squeak that blended in perfectly with the faint sounds of the orchestra club wafting through the open windows of their double-sized club room. In fact, it seemed like the orchestra was getting louder, its music taking on a slow dance tempo… 

… oh no. Here we go again. 

Sure enough, Rarity began singing, first quietly, then in a building voice:

Is this a dream, just a dream, just a moment of illusion

Let’s have fun while it lasts

This tired world, lonely world, never stable, always changing

Future becoming the past

The world may be broken, but still it has beauty

How could I let that beauty end

I’ll find that little sparkle, I will make it brighter

Darling, on me you can depend

As the orchestra grew louder, Rarity danced around the table, hauled me to my hind hooves, and spun me round, singing:

I’m gonna take it and I’m gonna make it

Fa-bu-lous!

You’re gonna see how the world can be

Fa-bu-lous!

I want to help you, please let me help you

Set your inner self free

It’s a fabulous world, come share it with me

I wondered if any other students were watching the courtyard, looking at the otherwise deserted outdoor cafeteria tables, as Rarity led with a strength I don’t think my brother Mac could have matched. And as she danced, she kept on singing:

I had a dream, my own dream, of a destiny for fashion

And fashion became my guide

Then I awoke, saw my fate, stripped away all my illusions

And looked with eyes open wide

The world may be broken, but still it’s worth saving

I’ll do the things I have to do

Then she stopped, holding me in front of her, and stared straight into my eyes as she completed the lyric:

I may not get the spotlight when I’m doing the lighting

But I can leave that up to you

I don’t know how the orchestra kept getting louder, but it sounded like it was right next to us as Rarity sang:

I’m gonna take you and I’m gonna make you

Fa-bu-lous!

You’re gonna see anyone can be

Fa-bu-lous!

I want to help you, please let me help you

Set your inner self free

It’s a fabulous world, come share it with me

Fabulous world, so let it be

And as she sang this last, the school clock chimed four: bong, bong, bong, bong.

And as it did, the music changed without stopping, to a tune I’d heard twice before.

It’s the answer that has always been here in my heart…

Pinkie’s song. Pinkie had sung it; it had taken over Twilight’s song; and now here it was again, barging into Rarity’s moment.

You can lean on me; I’m here to make everything smoother

It’s my destiny to take her and try to soothe her

Save the world! We’ll make it happen, we’ll build the brighter world

Elegant!

We can make the world shine, we can make the world glow, and it’ll be fabulous

And now, by gum, the orchestra was right next to us, forty ponies with instruments all playing as they walked, single file, towards the vending machines, like no sane pony ever did. But nobody batted an eye as Rarity continued singing and dancing me around to the music:

It’s an adventure! Adventure! In this broken world where beauty is easy to hide

I’ll make it brighter, shining, beauty so glorious that you can’t believe your eyes

Let me help you break free

Won’t you make it fun with me

Light up the miracle

In the now where tomorrow becomes yesterday…

I believe in you…

The orchestra’s string instruments held the last note as Rarity let me back on my own hooves, and then it all stopped. The musicians began talking to one another about this and that, apparently not caring one bit about Rarity or me. 

“It’s gotten rather busy here for private conversation,” Rarity said, as if the singing and dancing hadn’t happened. “We’ll have to take this back up another time. Shall we off back to the club room?”

When we got there, Fluttershy was already in her maid costume, and the tea she had on the stove turned out to be much better than what came out of the vending machine.

But Pinkie Pie never showed her face in the club room all that afternoon.