Today's writing: Friendship is Deceptive (Patreon)

THIS MONTH'S GOAL THUS FAR: 22,500 WORDS

THIS MONTH'S WRITING (INCLUDING TODAY): 5,675

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Frenzy contemplated the plain, slightly rusty iron bars of the holding cell and the old, not particularly well-made stonework of the guardhouse. In the old days, before getting stuck in a weird organic body, he could have brought the whole mess down in about three seconds. Only two things stopped him from doing it again: first, he didn't know how to do it in his current pony body; second, he still remembered what had happened to him the last two times he'd partially destroyed Decepticon headquarters. Megatron and Shockwave had different methods of discouraging a bot from future transgressions, but both kinds of punishment stuck in the memory banks like a heat-warped PROM chip.

Of the two, Frenzy preferred getting punished by Megatron. You spent longer in the repair bay, but by the time you got out the boss bot had had time to cool off and remember why you were still useful to him. Shockwave, on the other hand, had punishment down to an equation, and he treated each lapse in judgment (yeah, let's call it that) as a permanent datapoint, never to be forgotten or forgiven. Bots who went too far down that road got their sparks stuck in detention and their bodies recycled for scrap. 

Of course, standing around in a jail cell only five times your body length square was almost as bad as spark suspension, but you at least knew you were getting out at some point. But then again, hibernating inside a crypt that gave you just barely enough energy to sustain your spark was better than being wide awake, bored out of your calcium-compound organic skull, keeping your lips latched down the whole time. 

Maybe I got Megatron madder than he looked, Frenzy thought. Usually you know when he's mad because he starts breaking things, beginning with the bot who got him mad. But this time he didn't break anything, so I thought he was just annoyed. But going another nine days in this box, silent, is gonna break ME!

The door leading into the tiny gaol opened, and two small ponies about Frenzy's size floated in, wrapped in an aura of yellow light. The first one, to Frenzy's surprise, was Rumble, his brother, saddlebags askew on his back, forelegs crossed and looking even sulkier than usual. The second one was all gray with wings- one of those pegasuses like the Seekers had become- with purple eyes the exact same shade as Rumble's fur. 

Behind them came Megatron, horn aglow, red eyes glaring. The lock on Frenzy's cell door glowed yellow. A loud click later, the door swung open, and the two other foals floated in, only to be dropped with no ceremony onto the flagstone floor. 

"By the laws of the kingdom of Equestria," Megatron growled, "you, young one, will remain here until I speak with your parents or other guardian. And you," he snarled a little louder, and Frenzy could almost feel lasers coming from the big boss's eyes as he glared at Rumble, "I will speak with you, and Soundwave, once my patrols are completed. Until then you can spend your time with Frenzy thinking about what you've done!" In a much lower growl he finished, "Do I make myself clear, Rumble?"

"Yes, sir!" Rumble and the gray pony said in the same breath.

The purple earth pony glared at the gray pegasus and said, "Hey, what's with you? He was talkin' to me!"

"No he wasn't!" the gray pony snapped. "He said my name, so he obviously-"

"DON'T START THAT AGAIN!" Megatron roared, silencing the two of them. 

Frenzy waved a hoof wildly at Megatron, pointing the other forehoof at his mouth and making closed-lipped grunting sounds.

"What is it now, Fr- oh." Megatron sighed, pulled himself together, and said, "Very well. You may speak-"

"WHEW, thanks, Mega-"

"-but NOT TO ME!"

The gaol door slammed behind the burly unicorn, leaving the three foals in their cage.

Frenzy got to his hooves and walked around his visitors. "Well, welcome home, Rumble," he said. "How'd you grind Megatron's gears this time?"

"Well, I-" "Your friend here-"

Both of the other ponies tried to speak at the same time. 

"Hey, cut that out!" "Quit doing that!"

The responses, if anything, came even closer to being simultaneous than the first words.

"I'm not doing it, you're doing it!" "Me cut it out? YOU cut it out!"

"Why don't you make me?" "I'm not doing it, YOU are!"

As entertaining as this was to Frenzy, his curiosity chip, or whatever ponies had in its place, had a question he wanted answered before the kicking and biting began. "Hey, hey, WAAAAIT a minute!" He didn't quite push his way between the two- he wasn't that stupid, whatever Skywarp said- but he did get them to step back from each other. 

Once he had their attention, he continued, "Let me just get this straight, okay?" He pointed a hoof at his brother. "Your name is Rumble."

"Well, yeah, of course my name is-"

"Yeah, yeah, shh," Frenzy hissed. He turned to point the same hoof at the gray pegasus. "And your name is Rumble."

"That's right," the pegasus said. 

"Rumble..." Frenzy's hoof swung back towards his brother. "... and Rumble."

Purple earth pony and gray pegasus gave each other a look. "That's right," the pegasus said.

"And yer point is, brother?" the earth pony asked.

Frenzy and Skywarp despised each other, but they shared one trait: a truly vile sense of humor. That same sense of humor told Frenzy that, after a day and a half of total boredom, the funniest thing in a million years had been brought to him for his private entertainment. He chuckled. He chuckled some more. The belly laughs followed, and then the high-pitched cutting giggles that sent him rolling on the floor and forced the other two foals to put their hooves over their ears. 

After half a minute of this Rumble- his Rumble- shouted over the shrieks of laughter, "ALL RIGHT, CUT IT OUT! THIS IS SERIOUS!"

"THAT'S RIGHT!" Pegasus Rumble shouted. "THERE CAN'T BE TWO RUMBLES!" He jabbed a hoof at Decepticon Rumble and shouted, "HE'S GOTTA CHANGE HIS NAME!"

"WHAT??"

"I SAID YOU HAFETA CHANGE-"

"I HEARD YOU! AND WHY SHOULD I CHANGE? I BEEN RUMBLE A LOT LONGER THAN YOU HAVE!"

"NOT IN PONYVILLE YOU HAVEN'T!"

Frenzy managed to get control of himself at that point, sitting back up. "He's got a point, bro," he managed between chuckles. "Guess you might have to change your name. I got some suggestions."

"Now don't you start, Frenzy," Decepticon Rumble grumbled.

"Is your brother always like this?" Pegasus Rumble asked. "I feel like he loosened my teeth with that voice."

"Yeah, pretty much," Decepticon Rumble said. "But ya don't get ta pick yer brothers."

"My brother's much cooler." P-Rumble's face fell. "And he's gonna be so mad at me for getting into a stupid fight. And at Sugarcube Corner! The Cakes might not let me back in after this! And I didn't even get my cupcake!"

"Yeah, about that." D-Rumble reached back into his saddlebags and brought out a box. "I snagged these just as Megatron was haulin' us out the doors."

P-Rumble's eyes went wide. "You stole from Sugarcube Corner??"

"Hey, I woulda paid fair and square if I was given a chance!" D-Rumble said. "Only some pony kept tryin' ta grab my order insteada his own!"

"They were calling my name!!"

"Did you order half a dozen? No, you didn't! That was me!"

"But it was my name!!"

"Yeah, let it drop, all right?" D-Rumble waved a hoof at Frenzy. "Or else we'll get him started again."

Frenzy had both hooves over his muzzle to hold it in, so he had to admit his brother had a point. Besides, he liked the smell coming out of that box. Once he was sure he had himself fully under control, he said, "So, you gonna share some of that with your best bud? 'Cause I'm getting pretty tired'a bread an' water."

"Well, yeah," D-Rumble said. "You know I got your back. That's why I got six insteada one. I was just tryin' ta figure out how to sneak 'em to ya past Soundwave."

"Is that why you jumped me in Sugarcube Corner?" P-Rumble asked. "To smuggle in some cupcakes?"

D-Rumble's eyes widened. "Hey, yeah," he said, "that woulda been a swell idea."

"Guys," Frenzy asked- almost begged. "Food, please?"

"All right, all right." D-Rumble flipped open the box, revealing six cupcakes of different flavors, icing somehow undamaged from having ridden roughly stuffed down a saddlebag. 

"Can I have one, please?" P-Rumble asked. "I never got mine, after all. And you did throw the first punch."

"Tell ya what," D-Rumble said, hoofing the strawberry-iced cupcake to Frenzy. "You can have one if you promise to call me Rumble."

"Sure, I promise. No problem."

"All right, then." The chocolate one went to P-Rumble, while D-Rumble picked out a green one with a wedge of apple perched in the top of the icing. 

"Not that it matters," P-Rumble continued, taking a nibble out of his cupcake. "I'm not the one who decides which of us is gonna be Rumble. Every pony in town is gonna call me Rumble and you Other Rumble. Because I was here first. And there's nothing I can do about that."

"What??" Rumble's jaw dropped as his anger, shock, and disappointment fought a battle for control of the tactical high ground of his face. Disappointment won, and he stared at his cupcake. "Aw, why do I gotta be the Other Rumble?"

Frenzy started laughing again, so hard he barely kept himself from dropping his cupcake.

Megatron looked through the window of the clock shop, noting the perfect coordination of each and every timepiece on display. Fifteen minutes, he thought. Fifteen minutes and my eight hours of official patrol duty, plus one hour for meals, is over for the day.

After his third day of patrolling the streets of Ponyville, Megatron had developed a wholehearted contempt for its citizens. These ponies, he thought, are weak. They have no concept of danger. Fat, flabby organic creatures who live in idleness and blind ignorance of the true nature of the universe. 

So why haven't they been conquered yet?

It seemed to Megatron that a handful of Decepticons- proper Cybertronian Decepticons, not the warped illusions he and his warriors had become- could take over the entire kingdom in one day. There were no fighters. There weren't even any old, retired soldiers. None of the ponies even thought about the need to fight. They were so safe and secure, they apparently assumed that this condition was the natural way of things. 

And you couldn't say there was an army or government protecting them, now could you? The guardhouse Celestia had given the Decepticons had been unused for over ten years- in terms of the ephemeral pony lifespan, half a generation. The only sign of government in the town was a single mayor with no staff for a large village or small town of about a thousand ponies plus another two thousand or so in the farmlands nearby. 

But something had to be protecting the ponies- something very powerful. For as sure as atomic decay, any population this innocent and defenseless would either attract a tyrant or brew one up from its depths. 

He knew this better than anyone. He himself was a tyrant and unashamed of the fact, and here he was, trying to figure out if there really was nothing to stop him from declaring himself king or whatever. 

But he'd seen tyranny from below, too- seen it, overthrown it, and replaced it with his more enlightened rule. And as infuriating as it was to him, he could see none of its signs here. There were no greater or lesser ponies, no corrupt senators or barons, no gladiators or slaves... just ponies, doing as they pleased, going where they pleased, enjoying a life entirely without fear so far as Megatron could tell.

And this makes no sense! he thought. There is always a tyrant! Always rulers and the ruled! Only blind optimists like, well, like Optimus Prime believe otherwise! 

So... what am I missing?

"There she goes!"

"Wait for me, Twilight!"

"The Galloping Gala!!"

Megatron's hooves had taken him, almost on autopilot, to one of the stone bridges that crossed the small river that ran through Ponyville's eastern side. He heard a brief "Excuse us!" as a purple blur brushed past him... 

... and only then did he notice the oncoming tide of roughly one-quarter the female population of the town at full charge towards him. 

A single blast of his cannon-magic would stop the charge, and probably kill the front row of the mob in the process- no loss to Megatron's mind. Unfortunately, he'd spent every night reading the book of regulations for town guards of Equestria, throwing it against the wall an average of five times per hour when he ran into something unbearably foolish. And in no fewer than five different places the point had been driven home: guards were not permitted, under any circumstances whatever, to use lethal force against any creature capable of speech, until and unless directly given permission by a princess of Equestria. 

And even the nonlethal use of physical force required a ritual before a guard was permitted to proceed, despite the obvious criminal activity involved (riotous behavior, public endangerment, possibly harassment or wrongful imprisonment, he thought) and the immediate danger to life and property. 

But he'd memorized the words anyway, because once he said them he was allowed to use reasonable force to subdue the wrongdoers and bring them to justice... and Megatron's definition of reasonable had incredible elasticity, depending on just how annoyed he was at the moment.

He stood in the middle of the bridge, raised his right forehoof, and shouted, "HALT! Halt in the name of Princess Celestia or, by her authority, I shall-"

Looking back much later on what happened next, Megatron began to understand why invaders might not have an easy time conquering the ponies. After all, he was at least twice the mass of any of the mares running in his direction, armored, and if he did say so himself, quite terrifying when angry.  And, furthermore, he was standing on a bridge where not more than three ponies could cross at the same time even if he hadn't been there, which kept him reasonably safe from flank attack.

But almost as if choreographed, without breaking stride, a mob of ponies thirty wide condensed into a tightly packed flying column exactly three ponies wide, and two of the three lead mares charged through him without so much as lowering head or leading with a shoulder.  The impact didn't merely drive him back or knock him down; it lifted him high into the air as if a satchel charge had exploded at his hooves. He had (he guessed, long after the fact) between four and five seconds of hang time in the air before splashing down in the shallow river.

After the fact, he was impressed. In the moment, as he dragged himself to shore, shook a lily pad off one ear, and spat up some river water, he was ready to murder.

"I'm sorry, sir! Are you all right?"

Megatron spun round to find the source of the voice and, probably, end it forever. When he found it, huddled underneath one end of the bridge, he held his breath. It was Celestia's student, the librarian, her frightened and worried face poking out from under a hood. A little reptilian thing clung to her back. 

Two facts put the dampers on Megatron's rage: first, that this particular pony was not one to be molested until and unless he had a plan to overthrow her teacher; and second, that as angry as he was with females in general at the moment, this particular female had been a fugitive from the ones who had put him in the water, not one of them. Even so, the remaining anger limited his ability to speak to a single, barked "Yes!"

"I really didn't know they were going to do that!" the student- Twilight Sparkle, that was the name, yes- said as she cautiously crept out of the shadow of the bridge. "If there's anything I can-"

"She went that way!"

"Quick, after the ticket!"

The violet unicorn's eyes went wide. On her back, the reptile said in a juvenile male voice, "Whoops! Gotta go!"

As Twilight and her familiar galloped back over the bridge, Megatron drew himself up in front of the returning mob, which if anything had grown in size. "HALT!" he shouted, using his magic to erect a yellow wall of light in front of the crowd. "I COMMAND YOU TO-"

Again the charge didn't so much as slow down. Megatron's improvised force field shattered into shards of energy and vanished at first impact. A moment later Megatron himself was thrown to the ground and trampled underfoot by more mares than he could count. 

Even with his guard's armor on, it hurt- seriously enough that the pain, for the moment, quenched the anger and replaced it with a peculiar, calm resignation. 

And then, as the sun slid below the horizon and the moon popped up with impossible speed, a squawking voice echoed overhead: "Lord Megatron! There you are! At last I've found you! Laserbeak has found you! I have news, Lord Megatron, important news!"

Megatron had the opportunity to reflect on how nice it had been when his size and Laserbeak's had been proportioned so Laserbeak could perch on his shoulder. He much preferred it to having a pony-sized mass with claws on its rear paws perching on his belly.

"I have learned of a great event in the pony capital!" Laserbeak rattled on, not noticing the discomfort he was giving his master. "It is a thing called the Grand Galloping Gala! All the leaders of this country will be there! It will be a great opportunity to discover their weaknesses and begin plotting our conquest!"

"Will it?" Megatron asked. The griffon standing on him had something coming to him, but not until Megatron had whatever information was in that tiny brain.

"And the best part is, two tickets to the Gala are in this very town right now!" Laserbeak crowed. "Yesss! The student Twilight Sparkle has them! She-"

"I already know that," Megatron growled. 

That stopped Laserbeak in mid-babble. "Oh. Forgive me, mighty Megatron. I was late with the news, I see. If only I could have found you sooner."

"Yes," Megatron nodded, regretting the motion as several bruises and the sore spots under his helmet protested. "But you did eventually find me."

Laserbeak smiled at this, and Megatron, under the rapidly rising tide of his renewed rage, wondered how a beak could smile. "Yes! I did my duty, master!"

"Yes," Megatron hissed, and then he bellowed, "And if you wish to survive to continue in those same duties,  GET OFF OF ME!"

It wasn't all that far back to the guardhouse, but Megatron could only continue chasing Laserbeak for half the distance before he slowed to a hobbling walk. 

Females, he thought (not for the first time), are all insane. And dangerous.

But if I had fifty such females in robot form, I could conquer every planet in the galaxy.

Perhaps these ponies are not so helpless as first I thought...