Sh*tty Movie Night: The Conqueror (Patreon)

Rae’s Rating: 🤠🤠

Watch via: Various shady link sources on the internet or maybe your grandpa owns it?

I was not aware that this movie existed until a very nice Canadian man emailed us to say he wrote a book about it and suggested coming on the podcast. I haven’t read the book (yet), but I did watch this movie. And, boy oh boy, am I glad we did? (Yes, that ? is intentional) This is a textbook example of a sh*tty movie, so I knew I needed to bring it to the people. I’m sorry and you’re welcome.

You may be thinking that someone like John Wayne has no business playing Genghis Khan (aka Temujin) and you would be right. Not only is he not the right race, but he is also very much incapable of delivering these lines in a way that doesn’t make you immediately want to spit-take whatever you might be drinking at the time. It doesn’t help that the movie is written in this odd, archaic language style that sounds like Yoda doing Shakespeare. Someone’s idea of “old and fancy,” but it’s just not a cadence that comes naturally to a rough-n-tumble cowboy-type like Wayne.


Armendariz (Jamuga) and Hayward (Bortai) fair much better in the line delivery department and sound more natural, but we NEED to talk about their eyebrows. Did the makeup department on this movie think that Mongolians are… Romulans? Sharply pointed eyebrows = exotic and therefore ethnic? Thankfully though, there doesn’t seem to be much “yellow face” makeup in the movie other than the eyebrows and a couple silly “fu manchu” mustaches. The Shaman though. Oh boy. John Hoyt really decided to go “method” with this performance by squinting his eyes as hard as possible and adopting a very loose “Asian” accent. There may be some makeup FX at play as well, but let’s just say his whole vibe is… a problem.

The main plot of this movie focuses around Temujin’s rise to power as Genghis Khan and his “romance”(aka kidnapping) of wife, Bortai. Hayward and Wayne have exactly ZERO chemistry, which is odd considering some details that we learned about their relationship during recording. But, you know, maybe it’s just my modern notions of relationships and how you can’t just kidnap women to make them love you. 🤷

Despite the absolute ludicrousness of this movie, there is a lot here that’s very impressive. The detailed costumes, expansive sets, insane stunts, epic battles, and even the dance numbers showcase that a lot of time, money, and effort went into making this dumpster fire film. Not to mention the beautiful sweeping landscape shots of Southern Utah, a location that - while very cinematic - would also prove to be one of this film’s most costly mistakes. Intrigued? Well, lucky for you our episode about The Conqueror comes out this Wednesday, so definitely listen if you want to learn more.

Do I recommend you watch this movie? Sure. Hell, I’m watching parts of it again while I type this! Grab a few of your rowdiest friends, some drinks, and have a grand old time watching a less-than-two-hour move that somehow feels like five! You won’t regret it?

Drink when:

• John Wayne says "My Mother" or "Tartar Woman"
• Cringe-worthy moments
• When a character says a ridiculous line with the gravitas of a Shakespearean drama
• Anytime you are scared for the well-being of an animal
• Whenever John Wayne seems confused about what to do next
• During the dance number
• When that guy gets stuck in the window
• Finish your drink during the blue milk bath!
• Maybe don't drink on sexism or racism if you want to keep your liver..

Recipe: Blue Milk Bath

• 1 oz spiced rum
• 1 oz of blue curaçao
• 2 oz Coconut milk or coconut cream (for the froth!)
• 3 oz Pineapple juice (or use frozen pineapples if you want a blended drink!)
• Pour all ingredients into a cocktail shaker, shake with ice, and then strain into a hurricane glass (or, you know, directly into your bathtub for maximum authenticity!)