Sh*tty Movie Night: FoodFight! (2012… you guys.) (Patreon)

Rae’s Rating: 💩🍆

Watch via: Free on YouTube (yep.)

Never in my entire life had I heard of this movie before Ian sent it as the “homework” in our group chat. I saw the thumbnail and, while I wasn’t entirely sure what I was looking at, I was scared.

I suspected that this movie was either a) An Empires of the Deep style passion project by an insane billionaire or b) Some famous person’s kid who decided they wanted to make an animated movie. A friend later pondered if this had been written and animated by AI, but y’all I’ve seen the stuff Midjourney can do and it’s WAY better than this.

We lit the beacons and summoned the sh*tty movie night crew, as we dared not watch this alone. From the very second the title treatment appeared on screen, we knew we were in for it. It looked like something that I could make in Photoshop, and I’m bad at Photoshop.

The basic plot is that the "Ikes" (short for “Icons.” Yeah.) of your favorite grocery store products come to life at night and have a whole civilization that humans are unaware of. They go on dates, catcall women, and party at the Copa Banana night club when you’re not looking. When Dex Dogtective (Charlie Sheen)'s girlfriend Sunshine Goodness (Hilary Duff) goes missing, it’s up to him and his Ike friends to find her and also thwart the efforts of the generic “Brand X” that’s threatening to take over Marketropolis. Oh, and by-the-way Dex is a literal dog detective who slings cinnamon cereal, and Sunshine Goodness is an anthropomorphic cat pre-teen who hocks... raisins? (Maybe they were on to something though. Maybe they foresaw that furries would be all the rage and that we'd all be clamoring to gobble down nature’s candy)

I am absolutely flummoxed at how many high profile actors lent their voices to this mess. I know that they usually record their lines before any of the animation is done, but did they read the script?! Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the cast just recorded temp lines in their car as a favor to their agent or something. Especially Charlie Sheen who sounded like he was at a table read, and Larry Miller who was apparently recording from his bathroom.

Dex Dogtective’s best friend is a chocolate (I think?) squirrel named Daredevil Dan (Wayne Brady) who literally does. not. stop. moving. There were so so many unnecessary weird movements - I was confused why an animator would choose to add more keyframes than necessary. (Ian explains exactly what’s going on behind the scenes here in the podcast episode, so you’ll have to stay tuned to find out)

The general vibe during our watch through was a mix of anger, confusion, frustration, disgust, and complaints that we were neither drunk nor high enough to be watching this. When THIS came on the screen, we literally shouted “what the HELL is that!?”

His eyes… I am haunted.

The movement, textures, and design of Cheasel T. Weasel render him unrecognizable as an actual living creature. The inspiration for his design was a greasy penis made of shit as far as I’m concerned because how else do you explain THIS?!

Our friends have a dog who barks at any and all animals on TV (even animated ones) and she had zero reaction to this monstrosity. She stared blankly and calmly at the screen as if to say...

Everything about Cheasel T. Weasel is just so upsetting. And when you discover the identity of the voice actor during the episode, it will all make sense.

Look, I don’t think I need to go into detail about just how bad this movie is and looks - you’ve got eyes don’t ya?! The character designs and animations are unhinged, and there’s no consistency with scale, textures, lighting, or art direction. The performance of Mr. Clipboard’s first appearance is indescribable. Seriously, I wish I could describe it to you but there are no words. This is what passes as a human being in this movie.

I haven’t even mentioned Lady X! The primary force behind the convoluted plot to replace the recognizable Ikes with generic “Brand X” products. Because, you know, if you buy Kirkland, you’re a fascist. And there are SO many wildly inappropriate crotch and up-skirt shots. Who is this movie even for? Because it’s certainly not for children. I’m not sure how they expected to sell toys of a coked out squirrel, a sexy dictator, and a greasy dick weasel.

If you’re wondering how the hell this movie got made, so were we. All I can say is that my first two theories were both wrong, and you’ll have to listen to next week’s episode for theory number three, which I hope is the real answer… Because I honestly don’t know if I can live in a world where a group of well-intentioned people made this nightmare fuel in earnest.

DRINK WHEN:

• You recognize an “Ike”
• You see an off-brand “Ike”
• You’re legitimately confused by what you’re looking at
• What you’re looking at is appalling or disgusting
• There is an up-skirt or crotch shot
• There is an uncomfortable sexual moment
• A character says a bad pun
• The film seems like it’s doing either too much or not enough animation
• Finish your drink when you think the climax of the movie has started…

**Honestly, be careful with this drinking game, you might die**

DRINK RECIPE: Cinnamon White Russian

• 2 ounces RumChata
• 1 ounces vanilla vodka
• 1 ounces Kahlúah, coffee liqueur
• 1 ounce heavy cream
• 1 cinnamon sticks

Fill a tumbler glass with ice. Pour the liquor in first followed by the heavy cream, stir with a cinnamon stick and BAM! You’re a regular Dex Dogtective enjoying an ice cold milk at the Copa Banana.

Optional: Rim the glass with cinnamon/sugar