Joy in a world on fire (Patreon)

The images coming out of California feel almost like too much right now. Western North Carolina still has a long, long road to recovery itself, and so I see the pictures of neighborhoods wiped out and it feels me with sympathy, understanding, and overwhelm.

The world itself feels pretty overwhelming right now, I have to say. I hate to go too dark about it, because, like I've said before, history is full of difficult times. I'd say they are actually more than norm than otherwise.

I think the one thing about this moment in history that can feel so frustrating to me is that we have advanced so much in many ways. We can produce more food and distribute it better; we can communicate with each other so swiftly and have more ways of sharing our art and ideas; medical advances have improved the survival rate of many diseases, decreased infant mortality and so many other things; robots are doing more of our work for us...we could have a world where everyone on the planet lives longer and better, works less and makes and enjoys more art and nature and community. We have the ability for that!

It's just not what we're choosing.

Not only that...but our collective choice to lean in to consumerism and individualism makes it harder for any of us to pull away.

Earlier in the week I read Anne Helen Petersen's Substack interview with Dana Miranda on budgeting culture, and to be honest, most of it did not resonate with me. I love my budget and while I have critiques of the FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) movement and don't want to retire early, learning about it honestly marked the point when I started to question my consumerism and money mindset and build wealth with the goal of more freedom, and that has changed my life.

But I can't get around some of the problems in my culture, especially here in the US, and the interview did hit on something I've been thinking about lately.

"With everything — but money in particular — our culture trains us to believe we never have what we need, and there’s not enough to go around. Our culture’s focus on individuality and individual responsibility makes it hard to be generous and easy to ignore someone else’s need."

I am now in a position of what I think of as, "financial stability...EXCEPT". I've been through a lot of boom and bust cycles with my creative work, so I still feel kind of poor a lot of the time, I have to say, and part of that is just my own anxieties, but being a novelist and creative IS an unusually dicey career. I feel like I don't dare acknowledge that I have any safety net. I've had safety nets that I had to wipe out before. However, I can at least admit that I could manage any reasonable expense that might arise. I could even imagine a few at once, knock on wood.

What can I NOT handle? A big medical expense. With three friends in their late 30s/early 40s getting cancer in the past five years, it feels like all too real a fear. You can work and save and sacrifice so much, pay $$ for health insurance every month, and medical bills can become a nightmare anyway. I have no idea what a larger illness or surgery would cost. The out of network provider, the treatment that wasn't covered, the test that was considered unnecessary, the utterly confusing bills.

You know what else I probably couldn't handle? A total wipeout of my home. Even with insurance…I’ve seen around here with Hurricane Helene how people are still waiting for checks and battling with insurers.

And the more you have to work harder and save more just to gain some stability for yourself, the harder it is to help your community either. I think about this a lot. How much should I let go?

Having discussed the agonies of the modern world for a while, let's switch gears! There's a weird flip side to this. I pulled a Tarot card on election night for how I would fare through the next four years and got the Page of Cups. "Creative opportunities, intuitive messages, curiosity, possibility." I pulled a card for 2025 and got the Ten of Cups, an even happier card. The Ten of Cups is like...domestic bliss, creative fulfillment and all your dreams coming true.

Weirdly...2025 HAS been that for me so far. I've been reconnecting with my creativity and playfulness. I'm building a community of kindred spirits through my Youtube channel; whether it's in the Discord or just in the comments, I absolutely love it all. So far my days have mostly been filled with writing, music, delicious meals. Moody as I can be...I have been feeling a deep contentment, an absolute relish for life, more than I've felt in ages and ages. I hope it keeps up. It's almost a little scary to feel such a sense of daily joy.

It's a very weird mix of feelings. I don't always know what to do with it. A few people have said stuff along the lines of they don’t know how I can stay so happy and chill. Oh, believe me, it is NOT that way all the time! Social media only shows you one side. I try to be vulnerable and honest when I talk to all of you. I think it’s important. I think we crave shared humanity, including the rough parts. If the parasocial relationship can’t offer real friendship, at least maybe it can offer real catharsis. But when I feel anxious or despairing, who wants to talk to a camera or write a post? Not me.

It can be very hard in general to run full-tilt into the joy when the world feels so troubling. But I also think we need as much of it as we can get.

—Lidiya