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A confused d/sp-anish young man talks about his gender and sexual identity (and labels, and other thoughts) [Ramble] [cw: little firework noise at 5:45] [Exclusive] (Patreon)

Published:
2022-01-15 16:13:07
Edited:
2024-05-06 01:23:25
Imported:
2026-06
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Hi! So you might think that you've heard me ramble before.I think this probably tops it. This is an audio with incoherent rambles about things I'm still learning about even 10 years into trying to begin to learn. It was so rambly that I've already forgotten about most of the things I've said - so take everything with a grain of salt!I get very excited in it too, because it's always exciting to dive deeper and deeper into my understanding of the world. So excitable rambly crunch audio for you all.Much love,your ever-curiously confused crunch 🤍

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Gentlelove

Hiii crunchy! I think being a male doesn’t mean u have to behave in a specific way(e.g. the toxic male chauvinism that the patriarchal society shapes on lots of male). I personally prefer male without male chauvinism and with gentle, loving, personality. But I totally understand if u don’t want to set to a specific gender. Some males are really mean when other male do things that doesn’t fit their manily expectations. I love being a woman and I’m proud of my identity (also because I’m a feminist) but I totally understand how you would react with people and urself.

vocablush

Thank you for sharing these thoughts, I really enjoyed listening! I know you’ve talked on stream a bit about some of these topics recently, but I would be super interested in hearing more of your thoughts about gender/sexuality/labels and if they’ve changed much since you posted this ramble 💛 I think that while I agree with you on how labels can be restrictive in conveying the complexity of identity, I also want to share how they can be useful beyond communicating a stereotype. I’m unsure if this could be related to where and how you were raised (you mentioned having a very accepting environment), but self identifying with labels helps a lot to find community and places of safety. Even though plenty of people who are queer (LGBTQIA+) might not be “out”, these various labels help us find others who feel similarly or are more likely to be understanding and accepting. If I see a business that states they’re queer friendly or has a rainbow flag hung up, I’m inclined to lower my defences. Even if it’s just a little bit, that feels really nice. If someone has a pride pin on their backpack or jacket, I’m not thinking “oh they’re gay so I’m expecting them to conform to a bunch of gay stereotypes”. I’m thinking “this person will probably be more friendly to me, we might be more likely to get along”. Of course typing this now I realise I’m essentially saying “no I don’t associate these labels with bad stereotypes but good ones!!” which is a bit silly because of course straight/cis people can be lovely and some queer people might be really mean. I guess my main point is that labels really help foster a sense of community and belonging, especially for those who might be struggling to find it. I was going to apologise for rambling but I guess it’s only fair since you did too hehe :3

tina

who knows, maybe future crunchy will see the merit of time traveling to the past to discuss thoughts further with himself 🤔

Dre

I try to stay open minded when meeting new people and never really thought of the sometimes subconscious categorization of that. This was very interesting to listen to and honestly quite adorable. What I was feeling while listening was that you sound like a person that genuinely cares and doesn't want to be put in "a box" per say. It's really interesting hearing how different countries see sexuality. I'm in America and people's pronouns and what they identify as feels very important to them in my opinion. I think that's because gender identity feels like it's been under control for so long. I really enjoyed listening; from someone that was raised in a conservative home. I was taught that there was only male and female and you can only love the opposite sex. I identify as bi now but I'll never be able to tell my parents. I think we can't help but to categorize people at times? Maybe it's a human thing to feel a sense of control and safety? I try my best to respect people's pronouns or not assume things when I meet them.

FluffyReads

Wauw I would so freaking love to sit and have a cup of coffee with you and talk about this, because, I agree on so many lvls and wished so much I could say "Yeah, like this....." or "this is what it's like for me" etc... urgh! More of these! ^-^

Vergil

Thank you so much for this ramble and your thoughts on the human experience. It genuinely has become increasingly difficult for some to look beyond the territory of sexuality and identity when it has nothing to do with being in the moment and getting to know someone. I agree with you that it should never be the end all, where the answer they're looking for changes the way anyone is perceived as it carries with it the possibility of shutting off something incredibly meaningful.. I apologise if I only touch on this point; I have many listens lined up to properly understand your feelings on this topic as this field of understanding is very important. Once again, thank you for letting us in. I hope you have a great weekend. 🌹🌹

Phantasm Cat

The rambles, the coherency and incoherency of understanding humans and oneself, i love it, so so so much... but that includes more typing on my part so oooooohhh dear... Pt. 1/3. Yeah, I get it. Putting a label on someone, while important to many individuals, can feel a bit restrictive on the curiosity aspect of learning about someone. You mentioned veganism, a perfect example. I can easily say I'm vegan, mainly because I like the ideas that are incorporated into this concept and I follow the principles associated with veganism. But that's not *what* I am as a person, people do treat me different because of it (even if they claim they don't), and many people think they know exactly *who* I am because of this one teeny tiny detail about me. They don't know what I dream about, they don't know my goals, my aspirations, my memories that made me who I am up to this point, where my tickle spots are and exactly what part of my body I like to be scritched to help me calm down. There's so much that makes a person, so many wonderful opportunities to explore the mind and learn about who they are instead of what they perceive themselves to be based off certain key words.

Mel

tbf, the use of labels as a whole is strange to me.. how and why they are used varies depending on what they are being used for and that doesn't really make sense. The literal definition of a label is "a piece of paper, cloth, or similar material that is attached to something to identify or describe it " and this definition can be split in two: 1-identify and 2-describe.. To identify something is to "establish or indicate who or what (someone or something) is." -- so in essence it would be to give its name. But what I want to focus on is the second -- Describe To describe something is to "give an account in words of (someone or something), including all the relevant characteristics, qualities, or events." Labels were never meant to box people into a category and we don't do this for other things, so I don't understand why we do it for people. Any grouping of people should be just for informational purposes based on things they have in common.. but that doesn't make them the same. I think I'm gonna stop here, because if I go to far into it, we're gonna end up talking about the salad theory XD and idk that I want to fall into that rabbit hole.... again.. haha

GaussianBlured

Okay I think you just pinpointed a dilemma I have about myself and gender identity/sexuality. When I consider myself, I think mostly like you. I mean I think the closest label for me would be non-binary / genderfluid, BUT sometimes I want to present very feminine but I don't feel like a woman, and sometimes I will look at my face in the mirror and the idea of "man" will be the first one to come, so I will dress and present accordingly, but very quickly I will return to feeling like an agendered blob... For me it is incredible that some people "know" what gender they are... I didn't even know it was a thing until my mother told me when I was a kid "well for example when you close your eyes you know what gender you are"... I has never been the case for me, I only know what I want to look like and what I'd prefer people to call me.

Mels

I cycled through so many labels until for the sake of simplicity I chose “queer” to describe my flavor of “not straight” to anyone interested or curious. Up until pretty recently I was convinced that I like basically everyone but men—trans or cis, no matter—but realized it probably had a lot more to do with how they’re socialized to treat women, and I just don’t like *that*. Big difference. Being “she” feels ok, but “they” doesn’t feel wrong either. It’s just something about being in my body publicly that feels… icky. It’s not quite the same as dysphoria and it goes beyond anxiety or shyness, but that’s getting complicated and would likely start an accessibility rant. Anyway, I feel visible in a way that can yield treatment from men that I’m really, really uncomfortable with. So I’m riding this very queer wave. Dude, do you know how confusing it was to find myself getting on board here? I haven’t so much as kissed a guy in *years* and felt just fine about it. SO confusing. But we ride the wave, right? It’s too nuanced for an accurate descriptive. I don’t say what I do for a living because it’s tiresome and reduces me to one trick in the minds of most people… and people also place higher values on certain skill sets. It’s different treatment, just as you said. What gets me is when they think having one type of training or skill means the absence of others, and we’re all supposed to just do/like/be good at one singular activity per person. I hand out “art school survivor” as my tidbit and let people make their own assumptions or just ask… but like you said, that’s kinda a drop of water in an ocean of details about a person. I’m not gonna say “I have [redacted degree in redacted subject from redacted school]” unless someone explicitly asks—like at a job interview—because it feels silly and a bit like something my family would do while trying to make me sound better to strangers. I do sometimes lapse into jargon when I normally wouldn’t if I feel like I’m not being taken seriously in a conversation with someone new, because showing that I speak the language grants me some credibility without having to list credentials and feel like a jerk. This can also backfire, because my friends still occasionally call me to interpret something their doctor said into plain English… and the only formal medical training I’ve had was CPR, forever ago. Honestly, my sexuality almost seems like a moot point when I consider the germ factor. I’m really gonna agonize over my “I like nice humans” orientation when it isn’t even safe for me to do anything about it? I’m still running quarantine procedures with no end in sight, man. I can’t leave my home for anywhere but my studio or job errands, and the idea of kissing anyone now seems like a very stupid way to change my “alive” status… no matter how appealing they might be. I’ve been flirting with this one girl since OCTOBER and I can’t even bring myself to go meet her outside for coffee like a normal human being. We’ve well established that we like each other, in any other time I would’ve made a move already, but now it matters 0% because for me any fear of germs and exposure completely overrides attraction. I’ve forgotten how to interpret someone being physically close to me as anything other than a threat. Touch of any kind—even innocent stuff like holding hands, but especially kissing—would have my mind running numbers and frantically asking all kinds of contact tracing questions. It’s not like I don’t know what to do, but I’d be in a panic the whole time and that’s not fun for either of us. One day this will have to be dealt with, and I’m sure some of those feelings are cultural, but I’m getting off topic. Thank you for sharing with us. 💜

solarpowerduck

Hej Crunch, hullo you other lovelies <3 just wanted to send love to everyone and thank you for sharing so much of yourselves. I see you, and y’all are beautiful beans who deserve to be happy and healthy and loved always.

mayitbemercury

thank you for taking us through this ramble journey, Crunchy!! as someone who likes more than one gender (to label it, pansexual, to not label it, i like everyone..? it’s confusing idk), i totally get the struggle of just. trying to figure things out,,, and and all of that! what i’ve always tried telling myself is that although it feels like i have all this pressure inside of my head to pinpoint exactly who i am and what i can show myself as to the rest of the world, i am allowed to take all the time i need to do so. and even if i don’t figure out who i want to be 100%, that’s okay. i can’t think of a single person who does have themselves figured out that way. and knowing things like that makes me feel better… …but i am so happy that you were able to share with us! it’s very nice knowing we’re not the only ones who struggle with concepts as such. have a good rest of your night, crunch! <3

Vivitorie

I’m late again. Gathering thoughts takes me a lot of time, hehe sorry. I’m still not sure if it makes sense at all, but this audio resonates so much. And I might have listened to it 4-5 times :) I am born and raised in a homophobic country, in a conservative household. The whole LGBTQ+ community struggles here, but still there are plenty of us. Somehow, many of my friends and me turned out to be not straight. I used to label myself as a “bisexual” for years. But I’ve had a lot of time since the pandemic started to rethink things and look from the other perspective. So, I looked at myself, decided to dig deeper. I found many things, some good and bad memories, thoughts I never knew existed. And looked at other people on the Internet, especially on tiktok (don’t hit me please, my brain needed a place where it could barely function and enjoy bright pictures). Reading, listening to different opinions, getting to know people and their stories kinda blew up my mind. How interesting one can be, how absolutely beautiful their soul can be, the way they can make you feel important or heard. These things actually come first, not their gender or sexuality or appearance. So, when I realized, that I don’t really care what sexuality/gender my hypothetical partner will have, I stopped referring to myself as “bi”. People are still people, I’m willing to perceive them whatever they prefer to be perceived as. What sexuality is this? I don’t know. And don’t intend to find a name for it actually. Being a “she” has always felt natural for me, I’ve been lucky enough to feel female in a female body. And it still feels okay. But if you ask me what it means – to feel female – I’ll stay silent. I don’t think anyone can describe such a thing. Being yourself is something that makes more sense than being “this” or “that”? You are you and I am me. It is what it is :D I like certain things and wear certain clothes, perhaps people associate me with some of this things, but, as you said, it doesn’t mean I can be described as a “chocolate-lover” or “the-one-that-wears-jeans”. There are more to people than the things you first notice. Being comfortable with being myself is something I had a long way to, ‘cause you know, parents’ and their expectations, insecurities about my body or my thoughts or whatever else, questioning and questioning everything about myself… And now I’m just happy to accept myself and enjoy being this person, give her a chance to live, to enjoy all the things she can get and achieve something important to her. And likely explore new things about her along the way. Ahmm, thank you – all of you lovely people here – for sharing your thoughts and having a chance to share some of mine <3

b

It's the self-awareness for me.

Acedia

The bisexuality v pansexuality split has always confused me. I identify as a bisexual woman. Masculine/dominant people are attractive to me. Whether they be a man, a woman, or NB. But most people see bisexual as just a transphobic pansexual, and that's not true to me at least. I just like identifying bi over pan because it's simpler, and for the most part, better understood by others. My parents barely understood what bisexuality was when I came out to them. Explaining the nuances of pansexuality, and transexual and non-binary people, something they had never even heard of before, would have been impossible. Idk maybe I'm just a closeted pansexual masquerading as bi lol

Kaya

I just listened to this for the first time and will have to probably listen again for my mind to absorb more and process better, but what I do know is that what you started talking about right around the 19 minute mark about how you'd like us/me to view you and then going into how you try to view others in that same way, two things happened to me. The first was that I suddenly became very emotional, tears welled in my eyes, my chest started to feel tight, yet my body felt lighter, less constricted, it felt kind of cathartic somehow. I'm not quite sure if this was due to my next point or not, but it certainly caught me off guard. Secondly.... 🤦🏼‍♀️I just retyped this part so many times because I'm having such a difficult time writing out what I want to say in-depth (so much easier to speak the words rather than type with more complex/emotional topics). The short version is that I realized I already DO what you asked both with you and with my friends. When I think of you, the first things that come to mind are that this person is Crunchy. This is, or at least I THINK this is based on what I hear, what Crunchy's voice sounds like at different times. This is how it sounds when you're excited or worked up about a topic. How you sound when you smile, when you laugh. These are some of the topics he likes to talk about and finds interesting at the moment. Then maybe some of your physical aspects, like how your hands move when you speak or when you make coffee (thanks to some of your videos). And also how I feel when I listen to you. I do the same with my friends, the things that would generally be considered labels/categorizations come secondary. I don't know if anything I just said makes sense, or why that realization makes me feel good inside myself. It feels like I went on a ramble of my own but hopefully you and anyone else reading won't mind. ☺️🌻💛

Rachel

New Patron, just listened to this for the first time, and I’m so glad you talked through this and posted this. You’re such a sweet soul. Thank you for sharing your kindness with us.