a post-tour love letter (+ lots of pictures) (Patreon)

well lads, we did it - my first headline tour in 2 years. forgive me for my silence here over the past couple weeks, it's been full on to say the least. this run of shows brought me to dizzying highs and through-the-floor lows.. and now, a couple days after we played our final show I'm finally ready to take a step back and take it in.

the first show in birmingham was A Bad Day™. Pete and I felt exhausted, underprepared & the start of tour had me micromanaging everything from merch to what everyone wanted for dinner. I walked out on stage that night feeling relatively fine, pulled up to the mic and then nothing came out. no volume at all, simply no voice for the whole of Pretending. people in the room probably thought I was turning around the mic for one of those "ok now you sing!" moments but inside I felt like I was living out some horrible nightmare. I walked off stage to breathe a little and had no idea what was happening - throat wasn't sore, I wasn't sick; I'd never had this happen before. I walked back out and limped through the next 3 songs before my voice came back completely. the rest of the show was carnage - our tracks went down, we played pretty sloppily - and after the gig Pete & I had our first fall out in 6 years of friendship.

The next day we picked ourselves up and moved on. I zoomed with a vocal coach who explained how emotional our vocal cords can be and concluded that I most likely was holding a bunch of anxiety in my throat which cut off my voice. wow. we sailed up to Manchester next and hit our stride at last. we'd spent our off-day recovering and Pete & I were buddies again, I wore a skirt on stage for the first time maybe evER (?), we were back baby. this time I stepped out on stage and felt at home again, a rush of the feelings I've missed so much these last 2 years. next was Newcastle - a vibrant, funny crowd full of the right kind of heckles. I love a well-timed heckle.

Glasgow was insane - I've never played to a crowd in Glasgow that hasn't given me absolutely everything I needed. people up there are just so passionate and positive and full of life! the screams between songs made me feel like I'd scored some winning goal. on this tour I had a talk-back mic for the first time (a microphone on a stand behind me that I could use to talk directly to the band and crew) and before the last song I screamed into the talk back: "CONOR, FILM THE WHOLE OF ZOMBIE. IT'S ABOUT TO KICK THE FUCK OFFFFFF!" 

The Leeds show was buzzing, it was one of the biggest rooms we played on the tour and it warmed my heart to see it full. Bristol next was the smallest - a cursed show that had moved venue twice (first venue became a vaccination centre, second venue BURNED DOWN. gulp). so we returned to Thekla, an incredible room on a boat. that show was sweaty and intimate and brilliant. 

London shows usually bring pressure but this London show was nothing but fun. it was the 4th of a string of 4 in a row - the Bristol show was a rescheduled one popped in on what was previously a day off - so I worried we might be cranky and tired but we were just in the swing of it by then. one of the most satisfying things about tour is feeling the show become tighter every night, like hey - let's tweak the setlist a little, let's try this, let's make sure to turn the pedal on at this point.. those small details can go unnoticed out front but when you're on stage it feels good to make progress every night and by London we were a well-oiled machine. I played to a room of 1500; a balcony full of friends and my biggest headline show ever. it was a perfect night.

we had a day off on saturday, a chance to recoup before the final show in Brighton. I rested up and didn't expect to hear from anyone that day so my stomach dropped when I saw Claire calling; she told me our tour van had been broken into. (most of you have probably seen by now, but some details here  for those who haven't). two lads had pulled a van up beside ours, crow barred the back door and helped themselves for 8 minutes. it was heartbreaking for endless reasons - it had been my second biggest tour fear (after someone in the band/crew getting covid) and our tour manager Neil had been so wary of it the whole time, backing the van against a wall whenever possible. between us we lost thousands of pounds of uninsured gear and a bunch of really sentimental items - Greta's make up collection with pieces of her Mom's from the 80s, Pete's favourite bass. the tour manager cried in my arms.

I spent most of that night scrambling for positives - no one was hurt, it's just sTUFF and they didn't take everything (this is all still true!). we met up the next day for Brighton with a new van and a bunch of borrowed gear and I assumed morale would be at an all time low but we all rocked up and just held each other. no one blamed anyone, everyone just supporting someone else who was struggling. it was one of the most beautiful moments of togetherness I've ever experienced and I felt so lucky in that moment to have such a perfect group around me and my music. we drove down to Brighton & played the last show with true punk energy (seriously, Pete ripped his shirt off in the last song, it was intense).

I saw so many SDC faces in the crowd every night, I saw you queueing together, singing together, dancing together. our stage backdrop was designed by the incredible Emily & it felt so good when she came to see it in the flesh. Amy and other legends came to every single show (!!!!!). Greta left the Bristol queue to buy me a toothbrush when I lost mine. I felt so supported, so loved and so much love for ALL OF YOU at those shows, including those of you who couldn't be there. this album & this tour feels like OUR success and whether you were in those rooms or not I want you to feel that sense of achievement with me. no big record label! WE DID THAT.

ok - time to make spaghetti. if you came to a tour date please drop a memory in the comments below and if you didn't drop me a comment anyway. love you all!

xxx