demo no73: 'the not knowing' (Patreon)

HEY GANG :) here is your April demo, called 'the not knowing'.

this was fun to write. musically I felt super inspired by 'both sides now' by our lord & saviour Joni Mitchell. I started building up sounds & words before really thinking through what it was about; honestly I'm still not fully sure. I've had the main line swirling around my head for a  few weeks and I felt it ring true about a few situations I've been in, so it's altogether a sort of musing on how it feels to be stuck in limbo about anything, about how hard it is to deal with/process a situation when you don't yet know the outcome. does that make sense? 

I wrote verse 2 quickly and listening back after it was clear it was about my mum getting a pretty scary diagnosis a couple years ago. she's totally fine now, but it was a spooky time. it all happened right before lockdown, so I feel like it became easier to ignore it & get swept in all the madness of the time - so I've been thinking about it a lot lately and having something of a delayed reaction. I love that about writing; sometimes lyrics are super deliberate and convey an intentional thought and sometimes they just race ahead and do the thinking for you. 

as always you can stream the demo on the patreon site, within the mobile app (where you can save it offline) and/or download the mp3 for keepsies. let me know what you think in a comment :)

..........

lyrics:

THE WORST PART IS THE NOT KNOWING

catastrophizing again!

digging a hole with a ballpoint pen

have you thought about how it might just happen

and you might just like it?

nervous laugh and a sugar rush

seeing a person you love so much

smile back at you from the back seat of a taxi

the brain is so fucking powerful

expecting the worst is impractical

that never stopped me before

THE WORST PART IS THE NOT KNOWING

6 missed calls and my stomach dropped

it felt like all of the time had stopped

I felt my heartbeat inside my mouth

now my body is shaking

I’ll take healing over waiting every time

I promised I never would complain

if she could just be ok again

but now I’m back on my bullshit

THE WORST PART IS THE NOT KNOWING

i’ll hit the break

bend into shape

take me away from not knowing