Sketchbook Diary and Mental Health Update (Wall of Text) (Patreon)

***WARNING - there is discussion of anxiety, death and self harm in the Wall of Text below. If those are topics triggering to you, please enjoy the sketches I made at a local Ren Faire above. ***

June is not a good month for my mental health. There are lot of family death anniversaries during this month, including my husband's. 

Over the years, I've learned what's most triggering and most healing for me, and how to prepare during May to ride it out. I'm listing some of them here in case they can help someone. Obviously, I am not a mental health professional of any kind, if you are struggling with mental health, please reach out to a professional!That being said, here's what I did to prepare for June:

MEDS

A no-brainer, right? The best way to prevent meltdowns and spirals is to keep taking my meds regularly. But I also have some trusted friends who've agreed to let me know if my behavior changes, a sign I could be developing a resistance to my prescription. I've also  made a plan with my doctor about how to quickly update my prescription if needed - it's terrifying to realize your meds aren't working, but you have to keep taking the non-working meds until the doctor can see you in two weeks.

DIET

Removed all junk food from my home, and replaced it with raw fruits and vegetables.  I'm especially vulnerable to binge eating now that I'm trying not to rely on physical pain to distract/break apart my thoughts.  The goal isn't necessarily to eat healthier, it's about putting more roadblocks between me and becoming dependent on another harmful habit. If I have to walk to the store get my sugar fix when I'm thinking about my husband, the walk itself gets me outside, help me slow down and process what I'm feeling. If I need to hold and eat something while riding out a meltdown, a bag of carrots* will last a lot longer than a chocolate bar.*It should be noted I actually like carrots, along with the other veggies and fruits I got. Forcing myself to binge eat something I hate when I'm already hating myself would just make the meltdown worse. 

EXERCISE 

Dug my bike out of it's cobwebs, got it fixed up and ready to ride at a moment's notice. There's a lot of great bike trails in my neighborhood, riding them is my favorite way  to relieve stress - but it's also really easy to talk myself out of riding while I'm getting together supplies I need. (Tire repair kit, helmet, the right kind of shoes, water, etc.)So, next to my door is the bike and a go bag of everything I need, already set up. When I want to ride, I can grab it and pedal away before talking myself out of it. Plus, I included some sketching supplies in my go bag - the trails have some beautiful places to rest and sketch.

SOCIALIZING

I have scheduled days to spend time with different friends and family members. There are many people in my life who remember this is a hard time for me, and make an extra effort to help me feel loved. I am so grateful these kind, generous people are in my life and care about me.However, having them suddenly show up or surprise me when I'm struggling to hold myself together is a HUGE trigger - I feel so much pressure to "perform" being happy and gracious to when all I want is to be alone and grieve. This leads me to come across as ungrateful and fake, hurting the very people who went out of their way to cheer me up.  

So, I've been learning how to communicate about this trigger better, repairing the friendships I could, accepting and letting go of the friendships that are permanently gone because of how I've acted. And this year, I'm taking more control of when and how I'm interacting with my loved ones - making it an event I look forward to, instead of a surprise I'm not ready for.

Making these preparations hasn't magically fixed everything. I still had to take a sick day from Office Job on the morning of a bad depression spiral. There's been late nights staring at my scars in the mirror. There's been a few walks to the store that ended with a pile of junk food wrappers. 

But comparing this June to those of the previous years, I'm going outside more. Communicating better. Discovering new places I enjoy. And I actually have energy to draw and create. This is a much better June.