Chapter 23: Loot Boxes and Finding God (Patreon)

“How did you both get four loot boxes in the first twenty-four hours and not open any of them?” asked Andreas in disbelief.

“In my defense, it gave me total crap last time,” I said. “So four is a lot, then?”

He nodded. “People usually have a slower start to things on the first day. Are you one of the cardholders?”

I kept my voice neutral and asked, “why would that matter?”

“Because the System is often fond of giving with one hand while taking with the other. Or if not taking, then making things harder.”

“So how do you know what to accept?”

“You can’t know. That’s part of its game. All you can do is take every advantage it offers and then adapt and roll with the punches when the other shoe drops.”

“Makes sense. Alright, let’s go through these loot boxes and see if there’s anything worth taking.”

I took all four boxes out at once and pushed the shiny red button on each of them. It did the same stupid drum roll and flashing lights that Andreas assured me that he couldn’t hear or see, but Hugo could.

One by one, the boxes sprang open and the notifications for what was inside appeared.

*Item Identified!* [Empty vial pouch (common)] – A small black leather pouch designed to attach to a belt and has room for three small vials.

*Item Identified!* [Enchanted Green Viper fang kunai (uncommon)] – A blade infused with Green Viper poison. This poison gets into the bloodstream and interferes with the transmission of signals between nerves and muscles. It starts by weakening the muscles before causing paralysis and eventually suffocation when it reaches a target’s respiratory tract.

*Item Identified!* [Hunting for dummies book (common)] – A guidebook designed to give you all the basics you need to hunt in the wilderness. Although there are several sections dedicated to conservation laws, hunting licenses, and equipment that no longer exist. So maybe just skip those parts.

*Item Identified!* [One-pound bag of Sunshine Farms bird seed (common)] – The finest bird seed in the land where each grain is produced with love. Recommended for birds to eat twice a day.

I started with the vial pouch and asked Andreas for his thoughts.

“Inventories can get quite crowded over time, so something like that pouch is useful if you need to take a potion during a fight,” he explained.

I didn’t ask about the kunai. In my hands, it felt perfectly balanced for throwing, but had enough of a handle and blade to be a decent close quarters knife. I hooked it under my belt so that I had a knife on each hip to draw from if I needed to.

The last two items didn’t leave me feeling optimistic, but I figured I should get Andreas’s opinion anyway.

“What about the book?” I asked. “Does it transfer skills?”

“Er, no. That appears to be an ordinary book from your world before the System had arrived. It’s likely a joke item.”

I opened the bag of birdseed and offered a handful to Hugo, who tried it out of curiosity. He immediately spat it back out.

“Bleh! It’s like sawdust mixed with failed hopes and dreams. Whoever created it is clearly a monster.”

I guess I couldn’t blame him. Hard to go back to seeds after you’ve eaten Doritos. I shrugged and put the bag and book into my inventory anyway. Maybe I’ll find a use for it all later.

“You can always sell the items you don’t want,” said Andreas. “Though I could only take that pouch off of your hands. You’d have to find the relevant stores to sell the other items.”

“Just out of curiosity, how much would you take for the pouch?”

Andreas thought for a second and said, “forty coins.”

I told him I’d think about it, but that was a hefty price when I’d only gotten twelve for killing the eagle. The System clearly didn’t want people instantly buying all the best gear before rolling out to clear the floor.

Hugo was up next with his loot boxes. He hopped from one box to the next, hitting each red button with his beak. They opened to reveal a scroll, a tiny top hat and monocle, a pair of nail clippers, and finally a slice of pizza?

*Item Identified!* [A Tenet of Roan (common)] – This scroll contains a key principle of the Greater god Roan. Learning and embodying this principle will bring you closer to him and the open the pathway for his followers to receive greater blessings.

*Item Identified!* [A novelty sized top hat and monocle from Dan the Man’s Pranktorium (common)] – Originally designed for those awful people with mustache tattoos on their index fingers that were big in like 2010 on a part of Earth. But then I found out that most of them had died by the time the System had arrived. Who knew Kombucha explosions were so deadly? Anyway, use these set of items to decorate a toy or something.

*Item Identified!* [Basic stainless steel nail clippers (common)] – Great for keeping your nails in check, I guess. I dunno. I got nothing for this one. How do you make describing nail clippers fun? I do my best, but then someone like Xarxaxian-7 gets all offended and acts like I personally took a dump on his mother with my description. If you’re such an expert and know so much, then why don’t you write them yourself instead, huh? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Punk ass bitch.

*Item Identified!* [A freshly cooked slice of pepperoni pizza (common)] – Made with the finest ingredients to provide a delicious piece of food from that Italian restaurant you can never remember the name of.

Hugo moved straight for the pizza slice, but as soon as he got close, the slice burst into flames. He quickly yanked his head back to avoid getting singed. But the flames died down almost as soon as they appeared. We both looked inside and saw that the pizza slice had been reduced to a black, inedible charred mess. Hugo looked like he was about to cry.

“Why?” he asked softly.

*Item Reidentified!* [Spontaneous combustion toy (common)] – This is a single use item that can be hidden under an innocuous object to surprise an unsuspecting person. Fun for the whole family with this toy from Dan the Man’s Pranktorium (warning: Dan the Man is not liable or legally responsible for any injuries incurred by the use of this toy).

“There is no god,” Hugo muttered.

I prodded both the tiny top hat and monocle with the edge of my goblin knife to make sure that there weren’t anymore nasty surprises from the Pranktorium. When nothing happened, I nodded to Hugo, who put them in his inventory, along with the nail clippers.

I foresaw him having trouble with the scroll and helped him unroll it for him before he had to ask. Hugo cleared his throat and read aloud.

“For those who bear the mark of Roan, stand witness to his glorious words. His magnificence… yada yada… Okay, here it is. Those who walk the path of twilight stand on a precipice between the light and the dark. It is a nebulous journey, but it is that way by design. Only those who trust themselves can find their way into my black halls.”

“That’s kind of cryptic,” I said.

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” Hugo asked Andreas, who was at a loss.

“I don’t know who Roan is, so I couldn’t say,” said Andreas.

“This sucks!” Hugo whined, stomping his little feet on the scroll before turning to me. “Why did you get useful stuff like that cool knife and all I got was junk?”

“I did warn you this could happen. The last time I opened a box, all I got was a pillow. If it makes you feel better, you can have my vial pouch?” I grinned at him.

Hugo calmly turned to Andreas and said, “can you get the door for me? I need to fly around and blow off some steam.”

The shop keeper did just that and Hugo flew out of the shop.

“Is he going to be okay?” Andreas asked.

“Hugo? Oh sure. The whole town is a safe zone and we’ve got the party chat feature to warn each other if something happens. After I’m done here, I’ll get him some food and then we’ll hunt something for points. He’ll be fine.”

“Animal companions can be rambunctious, especially with their new higher level of intelligence to get used to. But you seem to be handling it okay. I’m sorry that we got so far off track. You say you’re looking for armor?”

I nodded. “Something lightweight and preferably flexible that isn’t going to get instantly torn to shreds by a level 12 bird.”

“Oh, did you and your friend have a falling out?”

“It was a different bird.”

Andreas didn’t look like he believed me but nodded and said, “come. Let’s see what I have in the back for you.”

As I followed him, I noticed the empty loot boxes vanished into thin air.