on this eve, a reminder. (Patreon)

hallo my loves.

i'm just writing you a real letter.

i hope that right now, as you read this, you're in a place where you can find some peace and sanity (and reflection) as the random universe whizzes in and around you, trying to knock you off course.

this time of year - the solstice, the holidays, the turning, the dark (for most of us up here in the northern hemisphere) is full of churn for everyone i know.

for me, it's been a particularly dark season these past couple days, and, while nothing i can really talk about publicly at the moment (not everything is always my story to tell at the moment it is happening)....just know that i need some love and light. send it in whatever vessel you have handy.

my friends.

i've learned more in the past few years than i thought i ever would. because of ash, because of this patreon, because of...a lot of things. 

mostly i'm learning to let go of the old plans, the old narratives, the old scripts...and that's the mantra that's keeping me afloat right now. the script i had when i was 25 about what my life was supposed to look like. the script i had at 30. at 33. at 39. the script i had even a week ago. 

life is indeed what happens when you're busy making other plans. 

and everytime the script switches (it never stops), i find myself ever more grateful for the parts of the landscape that stay steady. the things that grow and solidify as everything else runs rampant. the ocean to the cork.

like: this. this patreon. you all here. this community has come to mean so much more to me than just a bunch of fans, or an audience, or a readership, or a collection of people giving me some money so i can work. 

this community has become a real solace to me, a tribe, a zone of peace and acceptance. i like to think that some of you have even, in some ways, found fellowship and likemindesness among one another, and to think that i've had a hand in any of that brings me more joy that you can fathom. 

and when i'm in the dark, this place feels like the light, like a solid, concrete, place to stand in the storm, when the rest of the world doesn't quite know how to hold me, or what to make of me, or how to see me.

over the past few days i've been unpacking boxes in the house up in the woods and coming across long-lost letters, long-unopened gifts from signing lines in years past, things that fell to the bottoms of bags, things that got mailed to the office and never opened...little packages and envelopes and little things that never quite got their moment.

a few days ago i found this amethyst wrapped in wire, which was in turn wrapped in a cylindrical box with a small, three-page little letter.

and i posted this to twitter and instagram and facebook:

"i just unearthed a lost gift & letter from a show 5 (6, 7?) years ago. the story (she polished this rock with her father, who died when she was 12) hit me in my core. if anyone knows julie mohlman, tell her thank you...and she didn’t know 7 years ago how much i needed this today."

a day or so later i got this tweet:

....and i found myself reminded of the constant circle we are all in.

i've been making music and writing blogs and touring on stages for almost twenty years now, and it still all feels so unlikely, and like a gift that might get snatched away as if i don't deserve this bounty.

and then there are moments like this, when i find an object from years ago at the bottom of a box, and find a soul across the country who seemed to have needed me as much as i needed her when i didn't know i needed her. if you get what i mean.

we need us.

i guess what i mean is that i treasure all of these micro-connections with you, and i am thinking about it right now more than ever since it's the heavy holiday times and i happen to be at a low ebb. 

and i wonder if you all understand that i often need you just as much as you sometimes need me.

i am grateful for so much in my life right now...for neil, for ash, for the friends and family, for my large extended logical family of artists and freaks who take turns holding me aloft, and who, in turn, allow me to hold them.

i only hope that what i'm trying to express here in this little post, stolen on a laptop moment while neil takes a bath and ash plays with his big sister maddy, can actually get across to you with the enormity with which it's meant.

without trying to sound too cryptic, i love you all a lot, a whole whole lot, and you have no idea what you collectively give me....through your seeing, through your reading, through your support however given, through your constant encouragement, through your recognition of my own weird artistic documentation of my wandering. 

i don't think i'd know who i was if i didn't have you all to talk to, to sing to, to write to. so thank you...for being there to listen.

this place is so much more than i thought it would be, and it didn't happen by accident. it happened because the souls who showed up -
y'all - are the souls that have the soul-food i need to keep on trucking. 

so all my love, from our house to yours, wherever and whatever your house may be. and if you're alone right now....know that you're not. we all have your back.

feel free to comment, to me, to each other. especially if you're having a hard time in this holiday churn....feel free to share your story.

i'm reading, and feeling you all so hard right now. and lots of other people here are too. we're all here, many of us alone, togehter.

with all my love.

xxx

AFP