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THE COUCH OF TRUTH: Episode Five "Having A Kid... Or Not: Two Stories About Being Okay" {official Thing} (Patreon)

Published:
2021-08-27 10:18:37
Imported:
2026-06
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Content

TL;DR:

Hallo my loves. Greetings from deep lockdown in New Zealand. Life updates en route. BUT FOR NOW....the fifth - and final - episode of The Couch of Truth - "Having A Kid...Or Not: Two Stories About Being Okay." - is up now on YouTube and Vimeo.

The episode is embedded at the top of this post, or you can see the FULL playlist, now containing all five episodes of the series, here on YouTube or here on Vimeo.

I love you. Thank you for being a patron so all of this can happen.

......


This episode marks the end of The Couch Of Truth (y'know.....for now...... who knows what'll happen once lockdowns ease, borders open, and I can find future couches.)

As I've said in previous posts, thank you all so, so much for watching, commenting, sharing, enjoying and - most importantly - for FUNDING this series and the behind-the-scenes folks (from Jenessa's film and edit and sound crew through to all those on Team AFP) who worked so hard to create it. These videos, these conversations, they're weird, and they're important. Without this system of direct patronage, they simply... would not exist.

And if you want to get a warm fuzzy glow, you can read some of the comments on the previous Patreon posts, or on the YouTube videos, and see how these have been resonating with people. 

The previous Patreon posts - which include backstory for the series, as well as words from each participant -  are all here:

Episode One - Suicide & Mental Health: Three Stories

Episode Two - Miscarriage: Where Is The Hallmark Card?

Episode Three - Grief: And It's Going To Hurt

Episode Four - Abortion: Three Stories 

..............

LAST BUT NOT LEAST.....

And so, episode five. The final episode.

This one is probably one of the most joyful, and the most hopeful, of the series.

I said when I launched this - we didn't go in with an agenda.

We just....let people spill.

And then we decided what to do with the footage.

These two stories so obviously reflected one another, and it was a healing act to marry them in the same episode.

And a reminder.

You never, ever know what anyone is going through.

Ever.

So be kind. 

To everyone.

I hug you.

......

I'm so grateful to both of these smart, funny women for sharing these stories with me, and opening their hearts. 

Here are some quick words from them about where they're at now.....

......

Lisa

Where to begin, covid obviously sent us for a loop but my son (he's 11 now) and i did well in lockdown initially, we're homebodies and enjoy each other's company. 

Then my dear older sister, the strongest one of we three sisters, lost her battle with cancer. 

We were, and are still, one year later, absolutely devastated. It sent me on a journey spiritually, mentally, and physically, I've found myself doing everything i can muster to heal and nurture all those aspects of myself. 

My son took it hard and struggled through what has been his toughest year. 

No contact with friends except online, no school except online, and even not seeing his grandparents on either side (they're very close) took its toll on his mental health. I coached and listened and did my best to parent through the trauma that we've all been experiencing since covid first reared its head, and i think he's through the worst of it now.

 He's an hilarious, kind, brilliant, thoughtful little man (not so little, over 5' already! GIANT man child) and I'm so grateful he's in my life and i didn't manage to forget him on top of the car or something when he was a baby.

......

Hope:

My update is that thanks,  in large part to my interview with Amanda, I've continued to make my own boundaries and find my own role. 

I'm involved in my community and finding my own path. 

Vote India Walton for Mayor of Buffalo on November 2nd!

......

The song featured in this episode is A Mother's Confession - my 10 minute ode to motherhood


It was originally written in February 2016, and the demo was released as one of the first ever Things here on Patreon, and I published the demo recording along with annotated lyrics containing 108 (!) footnotes, because I thought that was necessary because I'm a weirdo.....and that was the kind of thing I had time to do when I had a 4 month old baby in a stroller instead of a 6 year old kid in the midst of a national lockdown. But I didn't really have time. You get it.

The post with the footnotes is here, and it still is a pretty fun read if you want to go back to it. 

......

As for the Q&A WEBCAST we've been talking about - we're still scheduling it behind the scenes, but look out for info heading your way soon..... it's just taking a little while longer to organise given lockdown uncertainty :)

......

CREDITS:

Cast:
Amanda Palmer
Lisa
Hope

Director / Producer:
Jenessa Joffe

Field Producer:
Lora Campbell

Director of Photography:
Nyssa Gluck

Camera Operators:
Chantal Garcia
Danielle Thorn

Location Sound:
Bridget Tang

Hair / Make-Up Artist:
Sahar Junejo

Production Assistants:
Lindsay Duncan
Sarah JM Kolberg

Editors:
Cindy Long
Caddie Hastings
Matt Marhefka
Penda Diakité

Re-Recording Mixer:
Greg Townley

Still Photography:
Allan Amato
Kyle Cassidy
Lindsay Duncan
Kahn & Selesnick
Stephanie Zakas

CONCERT FOOTAGE  
Director: Jesse DeFlorio
Director of Photography: Seth Iliff
Production & Lighting Designer: Lauren Sego

Special Thanks:
Jordan Verzar
Hayley Rosenblum
Michael McComiskey
Alex Knight

......

LOVE TO YOU ALL.

more soon.

xx

AFP


------THE NEVER-ENDING AS ALWAYS---------

1. if you are a patron and new to my work, don’t forget your patronage allows you access to ALL of my patreon releases to date. HERE is the link to download my latest big solo record, “There Will Be No Intermission”, and HERE is a link to download the PDF of the art/essay book that goes with it.

2. if you’re a patron reading this post via an email notification, please click through to comment on this post. at the very least, if you’ve read it, indicate that by using the heart symbol. that's always nice for me to see, so i know who's reading.

3. see All the Things (over 150 of them) i've made so far on patreon:

http://amandapalmer.net/things

4. JOIN THE SHADOWBOX COMMUNITY FORUM, find your people, and discuss everything: https://forum.theshadowbox.net/

5. new to my music and TOTALLY OVERWHELMED? TAKE A WALK THROUGH AMANDALANDA….we made a basic list of my greatest hits n stuff (at least up until a few years ago, this desperately needs updating) on this lovely page: http://amandalanda.amandapalmer.net/

6. general AFP/patreon-related questions? ask away, someone will answer: patronhelp@amandapalmer.net

Files

Previews only

THE COUCH OF TRUTH with AFP: HAVING A KID... OR NOT: TWO STORIES ABOUT BEING OKAY

This is the fifth and final episode in a five-part series. On March 22, 2019, the afternoon of her "There Will Be No Intermission" solo piano show in Toronto, musician Amanda Palmer invited members of the community to descend into to the basement dressing room of the Queen Elizabeth Theatre, sit on a cozy couch, and share anything they felt like sharing. A story, a heartbreak, a confession....anything. Her old college friend, filmmaker Jenessa Joffe, captured the stories on film and wove them into this 5-episode series: The Couch of Truth. The film was funded by Amanda's patron community, and you can read all about the genesis of the project, read updates about these folks, and see behind-the-scenes photos HERE: https://www.patreon.com/posts/55387040 You can see the playlist featuring the full series here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Thank you to the patrons whose funding made this project possible, and huge, heartfelt thanks to Lisa and Hope for being so open, vulnerable and brave. If this video moved you, and if you want this kind of work to exist in the world, ad-free and without corporate sponsorship, please consider joining the Patreon. It would mean the world to us. www.patreon.com/amandapalmer ...... CREDITS Cast: Amanda Palmer Lisa Hope Director / Producer: Jenessa Joffe Field Producer: Lora Campbell Director of Photography: Nyssa Gluck Camera Operators: Chantal Garcia Danielle Thorn Location Sound: Bridget Tang Hair / Make-Up Artist: Sahar Junejo Production Assistants: Lindsay Duncan Sarah JM Kolberg Editors: Cindy Long Caddie Hastings Matt Marhefka Penda Diakité Re-Recording Mixer: Greg Townley Still Photography: Allan Amato Kyle Cassidy Lindsay Duncan Kahn & Selesnick Stephanie Zakas CONCERT FOOTAGE Director: Jesse DeFlorio Director of Photography: Seth Iliff Production & Lighting Designer: Lauren Sego Special Thanks: Jordan Verzar Hayley Rosenblum Michael McComiskey Alex Knight

Comments

EmVT

Loved this series. Loved the stories of these two kickass women, Hope and Lisa, to see us off until next time! It never occurred to me to have kids, it just hasn't been part of my life path, but the 'at least the baby didn't die' refrain makes me tear up every time. I love that song. Love and gratitude and hugs all around : )

VitAnyaNaked

I am sure that any woman with whom you would conduct an interview would be grateful to you, because you are such a bright and supportive person. There are few of them in the world.

Anonymous

This might be TL;DR so strap in..... When I was18 years old, I was told I had schizophrenia. The doctor said, 'kiss your life goodbye; you will never get better.' Like 98%of children, I too would think a lot about raising my own children someday, and I always wanted that. I always wanted to be a mom. As my illness progressed, I had to have a long think about the kind of inconsistent mother I'd be. How would a child handle my psychosis, when even i couldn't handle it? And what if my child grows up with MY illness? Can I do that to a baby? I decided I couldn't. I asked the OBGYN for an IUD. Because I am disabled, I have social security, and that means I have Medicare. The insurance told the doctor, 'People over 65 don't need birth control,' and they denied the IUD. After a long fight between the doctor and the gov't insurance, it was decided FOR me that i should be sterilized, and they would pay for that. I had my tubes tied, and my uterus ablated (cauterized, basically). This was my only option. I live below the poverty line, and I couldn't pay out of pocket for an IUD, so I was sterilized. It is a hard reality to live with, where I love my potential children TOO MUCH to have them. (And every woman knows that motherhood isn't really about YOU. It's about the child. All of it. I can't give this life to a child in good conscience. I'm a good mom for never being a mom. Thank you for saying that's okay. "It's a strange grief, but it's grief."... right? Thank you so much Amanda. We need these conversations, and they are difficult. You bring them to us with such compassion, and it really does help. I'm okay. We're all okay.

Anonymous

Watching it on my break from work. Absolutely loved the series and hope I get to meet you and talk to you about everything you’ve done for me one day x

Noah Christie

Thank you for the stories and the sharing. So many people in this world blame people for the damage they endured. Maybe some of us get broken, but love is the super glue that holds a toy together.

Jane Waterman

I became a Mom by marrying a wonderful woman with two teen daughters. Up until then, I had decided I didn't want kids of my own - I was afraid that with my mental illness that a) I couldn't handle looking after such helpless needing babies without screwing up and b) they might get what I had. Aside from getting precipitated into major clinical depression for the rest of my life from the birth control pill and doctors that never told me the two were linked, I don't regret I never had my own babies, but I am glad I became a Mom. However, the part of the video that spoke to me was basically learning to live with all the small failures every day - you just need to be human to resonate with that - life is so hard. Thank you, I loved this. <3

Anonymous

I rejoined Amanda's patreon because I am so fucking lonely. I love Amanda. I cast off Reddit yesterday because 1) I came to resent going to Reddit due to assholes who judged me even on the mental health subreddit; 2) Reddit's CEO is a fucking asshole. I have no local friends. The friends I do have are some distance away. My parents are nearly 80. They don't want me to visit them and stay overnight due to COVID and I agree with them. I want my parents to live. But I am god damned lonely as fuck. Another issues is that I'll probably not check this patreon comment section; I'm not used to it. So......dammit.

NakedSunFlower

We are sincerely glad that you are in this world and let these beautiful women speak out. Liza's story was very nice, she is an amazing woman. Hugs!

Anonymous
>>66660264

Brian, you may be lonely, but you're not alone. I have a LOT of mental health issues myself, and the care systems here in the US are bullshit. It's a hard road, but we're all here for you. We are holding your hand, we are "sitting and singing beside you," as the song goes. In the off chance you do check the comments section: here is a little lotus of hope and community for you.

Claudia Rapp

"At least the baby didn't die." Makes me cry every single time. Maybe it's the viscreal knowing how lucky I am that my babies are alive and grown up and amazing ... <3

Anonymous
>>66660264

Ok I lied I checked it :). Thank you so much! Things are hard and I'm vulnerable, but I have a great therapist. I also have a substance use problem and that factored into this post last night.

Allison B
>>66615937

You are right Sue, you are a good mom. Very thoughtful and unselfish of you, which as you said is what being a good mom is about. But oh so hard for you, I am so sorry you had to go through that and hope your continuing life journey is a happy one.

Anonymous
>>66660264

*holds your hand* No worries. I think these are thoughts we all think, and you're not alone in thinking them. I don't have a substance abuse problem, and I still do (and post) the most impulsive things. Stay in the fight. It's not over yet. *support*

Anonymous
>>66660264

It took me two rounds of CAPTCHAS (four in total) to see this reply within Patreon. Surely there's got to be a better system than that? I am staying in the fight. I want hugs but that's not going to happen during COVID and the variant(s). I guess I'll have to imagine that hand holding my hand.

Anonymous
>>66660264

Huh. Your profile says you aren't anyone's patron. Which is obviously false. I accidentally went there when my email gave me the hotlink to your profile. I guess I'll read your thing about schizophrenia that I saw upon scrolling above.

Anonymous
>>66615937

Excuse me? The doctor literally said that? I am disabled, but I have never applied for disability; this is because 1) I don't have the paperwork for it, and trying to find the paperwork made me sob, and 2) several people have told me that, since I'm a male and don't have any dependents, that I'd likely be denied after 18 months' deliberation, and then have to retain a lawyer, and....fuck. Wait a minute. How can anyone decide FOR YOU that you should get your tubes tied? Assholes might prescribe that, but isn't this ultimately up to you and you alone? Don't get me wrong: in my experience, doctors love to lord themselves or otherwise be ignorant. My doctor sucks. I'm really sorry that happened. I don't have a uterus. Or else someone would probably determine something similar about me. As it stands, I decided over 20 years ago that I'd never have kids. I saw my parents and how they treated the family, and I wanted nothing to do with marriage. I cry every time I see that video ("it's a strange grief") even though I'm a man. But I don't feel ok. I'm breathing consciously every single day but the panic is here. In a nutshell, having CPTSD, or any preexisting mental illness, during COVID is a recipe for so many overdoses and suicides. I trust each state government to lie about the statistics...because that's what we are to them: statistics. I'm still fighting and god dammit I've got to continue.

Anonymous

I see you, I am the same way. Always having to be ready and able to spring into action. Stay busy, do all the work things, do all the things for the kids, be a good wife and on and on. Last night I stopped. The house is a tip, the emails sit unanswered and the World hasn't ended. I had a beautiful evening with my family. We laughed, proper belly laughs. We ate take-out. We made a mess and I don't care.

Jo VanEvery

I have loved this series so much. Thank you for making it.

Lisa Mckenzie

I guess i should check the Patreon more often because i didn't see this at all! Thank you for including me in this wonderful, important series and hearing me. I love you.