in utero will be ex utero. you matter. and nowness matters. (Patreon)

helloooooooo my loves

love from lockdown, day 42!!! our lucky number, yo. the answers have arrived.

i just wanted to send a small happy flag up the pole.

a few days ago, i released the "rape me/blurred lines" mashup here to patrons only, and i also texted it around to some trusted friends who i thought would either cry or get a kick out of it (or both, and those are, of course, my favorite friends).

the response was so overwhelmingly positive that i've been floating on a little art-cloud over here.

you guys know me. i live to make work like this. i live to concoct an art-potion that gives people goosebumps, brings tears to eyes, stirs up rage. and a lot of the rage that got expressed was more about how pissed people were that they COULDN'T SHARE THIS ON THE INTERNET.

to add salt to the wound, it turns out that the day i dropped the mashup about a week after the anniversary of "in utero".

i mean, you could probably tell i was grumpy about it. but i also don't wanna lose my house and whole bank account for the foreseeable future over a youtube clip.

but reading the amazing responses from all y'all was extra bittersweet. i was so happy people loved it, and i was so pissed i couldn't put it out to the public.

it didn't help to have my friends texting me saying things like "i loved your last album, but this is your best work".

i'm like, THANKS. AND I CAN'T PUT IT OUT.

so.

the day after it came out, i was talking to jason webley, one of my bestest friends, and we realized that we both actually knew some the right people to ASK. 

i had already talked to a bunch of lawyers. so i kept digging. i went further. i found out more. i sleuthed.

(this is a good time to remind you that sometimes, thousands of your patron dollars go to lawyers who never write updates for the althing.)

AND???

i've changed my mind. I AM GONNA PUT IT OUT ON YOUTUBE. 

cost. 

benefit.

it's *slightly* risky....but not terribly terribly risky. we think that the worst thing that's gonna happen is a simple take-down.

if that happens, eh.

so bear with me, babies, and in about a week, we can unleash this thing of glory to the world.

i also want to remind you that you're real. you're my audience, my readers, my listeners.

i also listen to you. if your reaction to the clip had been lukewarm, i wouldn't have gone back to fight for it.

so thank you. because what you think and how you interact with my work really matters.

when it's live on youtube, i'll come bugging the hell out of you to share the link on the internet.

.............

AND on that note...whether it's lockdown fever or hormones or the weather or WHAT, i'm getting incredibly inspired to do some new projects...but simple ones, controllable ones, things that i can work on without undo pressure or deadline. i feel like i've raised this patreon and built it to roll, to work, to function and now i can finally really take it out for a drive. it's passed inspection. 

i know that i probably won't do half - or 90% of the projects - that i wanna do.

there are so many backed up film clips, unfinished essays, half-baked collaborations left over from before lockdown, and there's hard-finishing and writing work to be done on the new abortion podcast...but also, nowness matters.

i really wanna finally start my "ask amanda"/"dear amanda" column. i really want to write more about new zealand and the people and places here. with the light shifting and the sun rising and setting so many times, i keep wanting to take still life pictures of this house, paint them, and write about them. i want to say more about parenting. i want to say more about everything i've gathered and learned about humanity, and myself - good, bad, beautiful, ugly - over the past year.

i miss songs. i want to make more music. when this lockdown ends, i am renting a piano. 

i can't handle not having a piano anymore. so by the way: if you're in auckland and have a piano you're not using...you know what to do. i'd rather rent from within the family than to go to the dealership.

that's all for today loves. gonna go for a hike in the hills.

but for now, i'm so excited that my mashup isn't gonna be hidden under a bushel.

reb is so happy, too.

i love you all so much.

x

a

p.s. this image is not an actual stained glass window of "in utero", it's an acrylic that you can APPLY to your window! i think i feel an Art In The Mail idea coming on....omg. you can order it for like $10 here. i just found it on google: https://weareglassuk.com/collection/nirvana-in-utero-stained-glass-window-design