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Hello my Loves. 

LIVE UPDATE/EDIT:

it’s time for EMERGENCY SOOTHING PIANO MUSIC. there are already lots of patrons on the stream / in the chat, and about 500 people RSVPd!! go here…..

https://www.crowdcast.io/e/t873q9h7

i spent all of yesterday reading your 500+ comments. i get it. you’re tired. i get it. you’re tired. you’re so, so, so tired.

so am i.

for so many reasons, good and bad.

we are here in the studio in auckland ….




….and about to go live in about half an hour. I AM SO HAPLY I DECIDED TO DO THIS AND SO EXCITED TO PLAY MUSICS FOR YOU.

yaaaAaaaaayyyyy

The stream is open. Go chat.


………

OG post:

It's Thursday morning, greetings from Auckland City. 

I've traveled off Waiheke Island for the first time since July. On the ferry over - the first time I've been on any kind of public transport in four months - the woman in front of me was crying and making some frantic-sounding phone calls. She was young....maybe 25. Her voice sounded American.

As the ferry docked, I asked her if she was okay.

Her grandmother died yesterday. In Ohio. 

Yes.

Covid.

She's trying to fly home.

Neil has Ash for a few days, and I'm going to head into the recording studio tomorrow for a brand new experiment...with your blessing held close to my heart. 

I'm going to JUST PLAY THE PIANO for a few hours, create one long, beautiful (hopefully beautiful) soothing-your-nerves-in-a-pandemic improv piece, and then Thing it. The whole session will be streamed live for patrons only (RSVP here, and also check what time the stream is for you locally).

The music will start at 11:11am my time tomorrow and go...as long as it goes. 

An hour? Maybe two? I dunno. I've never tried to see how long I can play piano. But my touring show was four hours, so....I can probably play a really long time. But I'll need to pee. I'm thinking two hours. I'm not gonna pull a Marina Abramović and hide a bedpan under the piano stool. (Or DID she?)

And then I'll send you all the finished piece as a WAV and MP3 (all patrons will get a download, not just the $3 folks). 

I'm staying at a friend's house in the city; they have a piano. 



Today and tonight I'm going to read all of the comments on this post (I expect there will be hundreds, if not thousands), and work on stretching my piano canvas and cleaning my piano paintbrushes. Everything you write to me, here, will be put into the piece. You'll understand later.

 And so here is the question....and here is, also, your challenge.

How are you? 

How are you....really? How is it feeling inside you? If you are in lockdown, still, what is it like? How is your heart? How does it feel to be around the people you're around? How is your body? How is your ability to cope with life? Are you...exhausted? Satisfied? Suicidal? Elated? Just getting by? Numb? In love? In grief? In debt? In panic? In heaven? Collapsed? And don't forget: tell me where you are. Hamburg? Sydney? Ohio? Japan? South Africa? Maine?

Tell me. 

Tell the piano.

We are listening.

But also, don't just tell me. Tell each other.

I have an ask of all of you:

After you post your comment, please respond to ONE other comment.

Any other comment. And say....ANYTHING. Offer a hug. Offer a congratulations. Offer an "I see you". Offer a "That sounds terrible." Just....answer. That is my ask of you. That you see each other here. (If you're one of the first commenters, just wait an hour and come back to the post. There will be others). 

I will be reading everything before I sit down for the session.

I'll see many of you tomorrow. Once again, if you haven't RSVPd to the crowdcast for tomorrow, please do, and feel free to connect there in the chat (as I see you already are).

Oh and a note about the chat tomorrow: please USE IT! My piano playing is not sacred. The point of the chat is for you all to be able to talk with and find each other,. Consider my piano playing a soundtrack to your conversation. A vibe-setting soundtrack, hopefully.

I see there are 200 people already ready for the stream....I cannot wait.

Here's the link again.

https://www.crowdcast.io/e/t873q9h7

I love you.

I am reading. 

x

a

———THE STUFF I SAY AT THE END OF EVERY POST———

1. if you are a patron and new to my work, don’t forget your patronage allows you access to ALL of my patreon releases to date. HERE is the link to download my latest big solo record, “There Will Be No Intermission”, and HERE is a link to download the PDF of the art/essay book that goes with it.

2. if you’re a patron reading this post via an email notification, please click through to comment on this post. at the very least, if you’ve read it, indicate that by using the heart symbol. that's always nice for me to see, so i know who's reading.

3. see All the Things (over 150 of them) i've made so far on patreon:

http://amandapalmer.net/things

4. JOIN THE SHADOWBOX COMMUNITY FORUM, find your people, and discuss everything: https://forum.theshadowbox.net/

5. are you new to my music and TOTALLY OVERWHELMED? TAKE A WALK THROUGH AMANDALANDA….we made a basic list of my greatest hits n stuff (at least up until a few years ago, this desperately needs updating) on this lovely page: http://amandalanda.amandapalmer.net/

6. general AFP/patreon-related questions? ask away, someone will answer: patronhelp@amandapalmer.net



Files

Previews only

Comments

Raeesah Noor Mahomed

How am I? My usual answer is "you know.. I'm moving" accompanied by a wave hand movement to show I'm flowing along like water. But honestly things don't feel like they're flowing like water. It feels so stagnant and slow, like thick oozing mud. It's like I'm impatient for something, for things to move because it's all happening so slowly? Yet time is flying. I want to fast forward through this month, through life. I had a night in October that I cannot remember at all because I took three sleeping pills because I was so depressed and just wanted to fast forward through the night. It worked. I can't remember anything but I worried my friends a lot. I haven't touched those pills again but sometimes I'm tempted. Just to fast forward again so I don't have to feel these hours. I had my first heartbreak this past weekend. He loves me but dislikes himself more. It was his own self saboteur. He'd never been in a healthy relationship before and when nothing was going wrong he freaked out and tried to make things go wrong himself. He treated me badly towards the end but I loved him so I took it and even tried to change myself. It was him that realised what he was doing and ended it. That's how I know he does really love me: if he didn't, he'd have kept messing me around just because I loved him and stayed. At least it ended because I was too healthy. On Sunday I felt like I'd never be okay again. Now I'm feeling so much more at peace. I'm reminding myself that I was a full, whole human before him and I am still a full, whole human now. I'm back in my home city now, with my cat. I like being home but it's exhausting. I get caught up in all the family politics and my dad constantly asks me, his nineteen year old, how to parent his almost eighteen year old son. I've been parenting him from when he was born. I'm so happy I moved cities because this is the first time I have been able to focus on just me. I need to figure out where I'm moving to next year. These things are difficult. But I'm so excited for the next few years. This is my student era! My mattress-on-the-floor days. I'm excited but impatient and I want things to go faster but I'm also so scared because I'm not a kid anymore and time is moving and I'm growing and getting older and gaining new experiences and it's all so STRANGE. That was a stream of typing.

Gill Eshman

Hugs to you. I get what you mean by the urge to fast forward. It is important to have that continual reminder that life is the journey not the destination. I feel like you are going to end up in good places though xx

Jana

I'm deeply missing being able to be truly alone and in silence. Hugs from Germany to everyone who needs them...

Anonymous

San Francisco is where I am and numbingly bereft is what I feel. how am I? I'm unwell. but not too unwell. I don't need to go to the hospital yet as I've not lost insight (or have i...), but the intrusive thoughts are focused on images I've had of me committing suicide. I can't get the urge to swing out over the ocean from one of the cables on the bridge...it makes me viscerally yearn. I don't know. I'm excited about certain upcoming activities and dreading others. we're not on lockdown, but that could change with the new variant. my kid is less than a week from getting her second jab and I couldn't be more anticipatory. also glad she won't need to have a test result within 48 hours to see the nutcracker...which I've not seen in, literally, decades.

Mel Legget

Listening now, just perfect' players know how to play and it is great to hear your mood from the island' Commented on stream: "Yaaaaaay! We made it to the piano in a super special room! On the island! (haha, like "The Piano") ~ Sending all the Mama Artist Feels!!!!

Katja Schmid-Doyle

Oof. It’s hard to know how I am. I work in a pediatric feeding disorders program (in Baltimore, M.D.) which is challenging at the best of times... which these are not. I missed the stream unfortunately, due to an echocardiogram I had scheduled, but c’est la vie (side note— I love being the youngest in the cardiologists office🙄, where everyone likes to stare at you like “why are you here??” I always want to respond “I have dysautonomia mixed with cardiac screwiness from Anorexia/ARFID, open your mind or for Chrissakes stop staring at me.”) I did, however, just get a keyboard with 88 weighted keys as a Chanukah/ birthday gift, and my cat brings me so much comfort and laughter daily.

Katja Schmid-Doyle

Oh, P.S Amanda, one of my coworkers is also a fan of yours (discovered you through the critical role interview!). I mentioned you casually and she lit up like a firework and I explained I was a patron of yours— it was so so nice to find that unexpectedly

Jessica Fassett

I wasnt able to log on to the crowdcast because patreon reset my password and I never got the email to confirm it :( I'm really upset that I missed this.

Jozias

So sorry for you. Sign up with Amanda again for $1 and the "Thing" will be there to play. Good Luck!

Anonymous

I’m.. scared. I’m in Lancaster, England, and the UK government is such a bloody mess. my OCD, PTSD and friends are relentless, I only escape my head when it’s 3am & my headphones are on, or my cat stares into my eyes with adoration, or I’m curled into my fiancee’s chest trying to hide from the world.. she’s my sanctuary. it’s our first engagement anniversary at new year, and I feel like time’s been stolen from us. by my dysfunctional mind & body.. by the state of this country I don’t even recognise.. by trying so hard to keep afloat financially.. and i’m stuck somehow, in a grief place where time terrifies me. I’m 25 but lost so many years to all-consuming mental illness, and I just want my youth back.. I don’t want the pressure or societal expectations. I want the world to stop. I want to feel free again. sometimes I just think ‘fuck it’, I can live like it’s still two thousand and fucking nine and be that weird goth kid & have fun & not always be so serious, just let go.. I wish I could do that more than sleeping away the days. I have love in my life, finally, but I still can’t love myself. I don’t know what stops me. I want to go back but I don’t. I want to live but I don’t (live). but no matter what.. I won’t give in 🖤 (& I didn’t realise how much I needed to say that.. thank you Amanda )

Anonymous

big hugs to you 🖤 you are valid & your feelings are important. I so hope everything goes the way you want in the next few years - make the most of that student era! :) x

Anonymous

Hey Amanda, I'm doing pretty good, actually. I've been down in the dumps for most of this year (what I've been calling the dark ages) and I'm finally coming out of it. Ive set my intention to heal and bring joy into my life... And by golly I know I will! So in this moment I'm just happy and grateful to take in this breath. Your music is such a sanctuary for me friend (been listening to TWBNI on repeat). So I'm basking in this goodness as much as I can. Life's a cycle of good and bad times :)

Jonah Poirot

Hi, Evie. That sounds really hard and scary. You're not alone, I promise. Its not over, yet. The future must hold so much for us. Im glad you won't give in. I love you

Anonymous

I see you. Things can get really hard and silence and rest seem so tempting. But life is still good on so many levels. You love, you hope, you take your kid to see the nutcracker… enjoy everything you can and seek help when needed. Take the donut.

Anonymous

Just sending you love from Berlin <3

Stefanie Oepen

It was very soothing indeed. It started late for me and I fell asleep to it. It felt really nice. Thank you!

Anonymous

So glad things are improving for you. Seizing joy sounds like a very wonderful thing to do.

Anonymous

Hey Evie, I was struck by what you posted. So struck I've been thinking about it since I read it. Sending you so much love friend, I hope things can improve for you in some way❤️❤️

Anonymous

Evie, oh I felt your post so much. So beautifully written. I've had many periods in my life where my OCD and PTSD have threatened to eat me whole. My 20 s were tough - surrounded by all this stuff I just couldn't engage with without a huge toll. I know it's different for all of us but have hope. Everything changes. The only way out I know (and its still there but oh so much better) is to let it be. If you can accept it, embrace it, smother it and yourself with kindness and love. My OCD thrives on being challenged and thinking about all the things it's stopping me from doing or looking at how functional everyone else appears to be feeds it like nothing else. It's so counter intuitive - I would say stay strong but that feels like holding on and fighting and that's always been the opposite of what I've needed... So I don't really have any advice but I really hear you xx