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The "Ask Amanda #1" live-from-home video. (Patreon)

Published:
2022-02-11 21:03:03
Imported:
2026-06
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hallo loves!

time to watch me cry again, as usual. hey it's that kinda life right now.

so..Ask Amanda is going GREAT over on substack...and while it's a fuck ton more work than i expected, it's work i'm deeply enjoying. if you haven't subscribed yet, there's 3 more letters forthcoming, and it's FREE to sign up. here: https://amandapalmer.substack.com/

i'm just about to publish the next column (tomorrow morning!)....all about the pandemic, how to deal with the anti-vaxxers in your life, and how to find balance in the Time of Covid.

for now, i wanted to send you this video, native on patreon.

(you can also watch it HERE on substack, and share it around if you wanna. i also posted it to youtube here, and to facebook here if you wanna share it around). 

it's a live reading of last's weeks Ask Amanda column ("I’m 39 and Dying of Cancer. How Do I Help the Love of My Life?"), filmed my ME on my PHONE from my kitchen and living room. i don't know why i thought it would take ten minutes. it's A FUCKING HOUR LONG. 

o well!!

there are only THREE weeks/columns left in this Ask Amanda /substack experiment, and i decided to make this first-of-four video totally non=paywalled, so that i could also upload and send it to you guys, to give you a sense of what i'm up to. there are only about 150 paid subscribers over there (bringing in about $750 a month), which is by no means the kind of dough that it would take to support a project like this, pay for my 20 work hours, pay the artists and the copyeditors, and so forth...but like i keep saying, this is all just an experiment to see what works, how, where, when, what. 

i HAD to create some sort of paywalled content for this month, so be it. i learned things. 

i get emotional when i read my own writing, for one. i got all weepy.

if any of you here are paying that extra $5 to join along the ride for this month, i thank you, i know it's a little weird.

meanwhile....please subscribe to the column! IT IS FREE. 

ooh and 

here's a sneak peek at sarah beetsons' artwork for tomorrow....i die and cry at the beauty....


it's really really good. 

xx

a


p.s. if it seems like i spend my life cross-posting content, you are not fucking far off the mark and i miss having a social media assistant like  miss nothing else. does anyone in new zealand / auckland want a weird job for the next few months? ....really, i need someone. i am drowning. let me know in the comments. i need someone in particular for our upcoming feb 22nd studio day who already speaks very fluent facebook, twitter, instagram and - importantly - tiktok. let me know in the comments here and i'll hunt you down.


Files

Previews only

IMG_3091.mov

This is "IMG_3091.mov" by Amanda Palmer on Vimeo, the home for high quality videos and the people who love them.

Comments

Anonymous

Grief is the price we pay for love - was inscribed on the Greek temple that stood opposite the lake where Diana is buried. What a a beautiful hour, beautiful in love, grief, pain, hope, frustration, language and everything that is human and no matter how much we strive to express the act of dying rarely do we find the words to express ourselves. But Amanda you did it for all of us. Here's a song -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1MalhfTI8A

Hanna Mokijewska

Amanda, I cried so much while watching this video and laugh at more lighthearted moments at the same time. You write beautifully, and I'm always touched by your mind and by your online presence. You chose a very important question, it made me understand grief and death a little bit more. Hugging you soooo much, I hope I get to meet you in Europe sometime.......this or next year..... kisses !

Tony Ivanova

Amanda, it was awsome to watch the video, although I've read the post. Thank you!

ALFRED STUDWELL

I think the most strangely beautiful thing about Penny and Jason's story is that the dying partner, Penny, is reaching out to get care for her partner.

Christina Vivona

Amanda, this is so so so amazing, loving, beautiful, honest, real, kind, actually helpful thing I’ve ever heard anyone say about grief. While my father was dying after a battle with cancer, the thing that helped me the most was a book given to me by an Israeli friend. It was a book of ancient teachings, thousands of years old, about the year-long process of grief when someone very close dies. I felt very alone because no one in my life was willing to really go there—face all the dark parts that I wanted to face as a love letter to my dad. I have since shared my process many times with friends going through grief, but never have I heard anything so beautifully perfectly loving as this. Thank you. Thank you. A big YES to Ask Amanda. I in all the way!!!!!

Christina Vivona

And….. OMG the art work!!!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Anonymous

Hello, Darling Looong time… Merlin here, 'your' Brighton Belle (lent you my Hawaiian shirt on the beach, Absinth, cancer info sharing, 'beautiful' a few times...) Really good to see you / connect. I've clocked your being stuck in NZ and solo parenting, which sounds like a major slice of 'mess' n hassle to add to (wrapped in!) the global chaos and fuckwiteridge (mass psychosis - link in PS). Listening to you recalling Anthony's death is deep. I've heard you talking about him / it on quite a few occasions, and shared cancer into with you - Updated cancer into, Plus 2 teams of Drs with Covid treatments , Plus 2 teams of Drs with Covid treatments + +... www.Bit.Ly/M-Heal I've not been following you a lot, a lot of things going on, bandwidth. Interestingly, yesterday morning (03:40) I had a Big juicy download of info for my new path (Men's Work, was Bicycles to Africa charity I set up) and models and clarity, at last, thank F.\ Following this I had a very clear insight on Love and my being hurt when my first deep love went home to another continent. (my earlier had not been so deep/full love, due to my inviting and putting up with unhealthy relationships, due to my low self worth/self love). Being hurt and holding my heart closed, for safety. And I'd had some thoughts the previous couple of days, about being more open to women. I'm writing to you after my birthday party, everyone's left / asleep, was showing a friend Tasmania, dolls, anthem. Big Love, sister 🙏🏽❤️ Merlin Mass Formation - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09maaUaRT4M

Cate Whitehead

Amanda, I've just watched your video...relived your letter to Penny and Jason, cried again, of course, Sarah's work is absolutely beautiful and you are such a beautiful team. I have been sitting here with headphones on, remembering my parents' deaths back in 2007. My mum died suddenly, my dad lived for another four months or so, and it was obvious that he missed the love of his life too, too much. My mother, an artist and confidant of many souls, would have been taken aback at the groundswell of grieving friends and acquaintances who came to me and my family after her death. And in the sharing of their memories and love for our mother, our grief was held gently; allowed to take its course and I have written a lot about the effect she, and my dear little Dad had on the larger world. By the way, I love the fact that you were able to track down Sam. How beautiful. And in your very particular Amanda way, you have woven a gentle and supportive network not only for Penny and Jason, but for all of us who have come along for the ride. You are in my deepest thoughts right now, and also in Peter's, and after I read your new Ask Amanda #2 aloud today to him, he is quite convinced there's another book there Amanda! Love you xx

Kris Davis

Oh. This. A 1,000x's all of this. New to this platform, not for lack of want or trying (just life b.s. ) but back in July of 2020 I left a deeply personal grief stricken comment on one of your many fb posts asking how everyone was. Something along the lines of "my sister is dieing and I have to be the one to make the choice and the children need fed" or some such word vomit. I'm typically not a sharer but they way you asked the question, ripped the words out of me as if by command. Anyway- you and your sweet loving community did what it does- offering to send food and love and hugs and care, and in a great wave of panic and terror of this unpredicted, but yet should have been predicted, kindness and love I fled. I deleted the comment and ran back to my dark corner of my world. For fear of cracking I think. Like all of your love would open the flood gates and I would not be able to close them- and I had sooo much shit to do. I went back a few times, typing out some sort of -"by the way if you ever wonder about the grief stricken woman who threw up emotions and ran away- im here, alive and surviving" But I would always delete it before posting and go back to quiet observer. So after this.. all that you said, and didn't say out loud, I felt an obligation to say - I'm here, I survived, I am surviving, and I think of all your kindnesses often when the grief ocean pulls me back out. I remember the strangers in the world who didn't know me from another and the kindness they held in their hearts for me, if only for a moment. May we all find the Sam's and the Amanda's in the world in our darkest moments. And Thank you. May you all be blessed with infinite love.

Parker
>>77854584

May you also be blessed, and always surrounded by kindness and compassion. Happy to hear you’re surviving. It sometimes feels like that’s the most we can hope for…but hoping most sincerely that it’s not long before you’re thriving rather than ‘just’ surviving - although there’s never really any ‘just’ about it is there? Takes an awful lot of strength to keep on keeping on. Hope you’re able to see that and give yourself credit for all you do. Rather than only managing to acknowledge what you think you’re not doing. That seems to be our default setting and it sucks. I have a couple of neurological illnesses and go into sensory overload quite often. It’s taken me quite some time to figure out that different sorts of activities impact on what my brain can cope with. If the emotional load is heavy I am unable to process information or function well physically. Likewise if I have to concentrate on something like financial stuff I can’t cope with any emotional or physical stuff. (Heh, and it doesn’t help that financial stuff usually comes with heavy loads of emotional stuff). My depression adds a whole other layer on top of this stuff and until recently I’d give myself a hard time about the way I withdraw from people/life/everything as a coping strategy. But our brains and bodies have limits and they do what they need to in order to cope. Sorry - I’m pretty much unable to make any point succinctly any more. This is my clumsy way of saying I’m not surprised you had to withdraw from the kindness overload. We’re sort of ill equipped to deal with such a thing. Plus survival mode doesn’t really leave much bandwidth available for anything other than the bare minimum necessities. You are, quite clearly, an awesome human. May fortune favour you and all that you do.

Kris Davis

You are very sweet, very accurate, and I understood you perfectly. I tend to type in fluent thought and my thoughts travel their own path entirely some times. What's on your plate can't be easy to balance all the time. I hope your days are easy and peaceful and full of the understanding you offer to the world.

Betsy Cacchione

Hello, Beauty. Betsy from Omega group here wrapping you in hugs. I am not sure what I expected when I sat down to listen to this. I know you are a good writer, but advice is HARD to give. Especially on a topic such as this. And even when you started talking about Anthony, I think I sort of thought that I already knew this story, so it would be poignant but probably nothing new. You ever astound me, my dear. I don't even have anything in particular to be sad about right now. I am exhausted. Covid sucks. But in general, in comparison to what some people are facing, my life is pretty great. Of course, we can all have an empathetic response to such a beautiful love story but the way that I related to your answer truly surprised me. Bubbled up from inside out of places I didn't know I was holding my breath. Because I too, feel honored and lucky to be able to say that I have found the love of my life. And I also know how rare and special that is. I give thanks every day that I don't even care what happens in my life because I am already spending it with my favorite person on the planet and we spend SO much time together. No one is dying. No one is sick. We are in good health. But when you have something so deep like that, you also have so much more to lose. By allowing ourselves to feel so deeply we open ourselves to the vulnerability of the pain that might come with the loss of it. And when you gave your advice in this column I suddenly realized that part of me, completely unconsciously, has been waiting for the other shoe to drop. And deeply fearing the pain of what that loss could feel like. Because I know that the love that is there feels infinite. And in my mind, that means the loss - would be equally infinite. But your words were so absolutely perfect. The witness who knows that story. The story that is only us. And we have MANY witnesses who have been deep inside the Scott and Betsy story. We have taken them all way down the rabbit hole with us. And just hearing the words that you spoke (even more poignant than if I had just read them) - unlocked something in me somehow that I didn't even know was locked. It's okay. The Scott and Betsy story has long been carried by far more than me and when the day comes for one of us to say goodbye, we will not be alone in our remembering. Thank you, Amanda. I hope your words were as helpful for Penny and Jason as they were for me. I love you. You're still doing exactly what you need to be doing. Keep being you.