The Dolls, this moment, the rain (Patreon)

Dear Ones

I haven’t had any time for anything extra. Just thing this on my phone as I turn the rehearsal barn lights off.

I just saw this photo on Instagram - by @percocet.exe / Julie - after a long day of dolls rehearsal and it just about broke my heart open.

I am moving through such giant and confounding feelings while working on this new record with Brian, including putting everything aside to live the way I used to live before it all went and changed, when I used to love inspiration - not feel saddled by it. and knew how to let it love me.

To let inspiration love you. To make the time, to invite it back to your bed, to give it a glass of water, to disrobe slowly, to take the time to actually explore what it brings you. One gets busy. One strikes it off the list. One stops remembering. One figures it’s less drama to keep it simple and sleep alone than deal with the fuss.

My heart was shattered. No easier way to say it. Rehearsal by rehearsal, show by show, piece by minuscule sliver-piece, he’s giving it back to me. This man. This band. Everything. The thing that saved me so long ago is saving me again, when I didn’t even quite understand I needed this.

I knew it would help. I am not dumb. But I did not know how much it would help me heal from the sorrow. You know this already, right?

Music is magic. Music is fucking magic.

Nothing else can heal wounds like this. Old melodies as ointment, old lyrics as gauze, new melodies as sutures, new lyrics that are mostly just scaring the shit out of me because I don’t like being this good at my old job of synthesizing pain so big there’s nowhere to put it but art.

No choice, my dears.

In the words of Lady Gaga: When you have a partner like this, just dance. Brian is opening me in spaces I thought closed for good.

Carving out spaces. Letting whole new stories start.

Brian is opening up all the doors in my house, my heart, my face. He is creating a beautiful knock on effect in the rest of my life. These shows, the community, you’re all shaking me back to life.

Outside the rain is wrapping me beautifully. God I’ve missed myself. I am relieved to be back to my own arms after so many years; but also to finally fall fully into the arms of others again; not just Brian, but the arms that had been waiting for me for ages, they open, they arrive as if by invisible train, they find me, I find them, I fall now with abandon now instead of with terror. Oh god, I missed this girl.

My loves lately are mirrors who show me that blazingly joyous girl that I missed, the woman who swallowed that joy like contraband at the border. One of those loves said to me a few days ago: the universe gives us to one another when the need arises. They said: you are you, I am me. I knew what they meant.

The universe gave Brian Viglione and I to one another at a perfect moment in time.

The lightning strike which still leaves us shaking our heads sometimes. How??? You’re lucky to get a strike like that once in this life. I count the blessing daily. And when it rains good luck like that, sometimes it pours.

I cannot wait to get on tour again. Two more days of writing and rehearsal and then we leave for Florida, where I hope to see many of you.

I haven’t gotten to planning any patreon meet-ups yet (maybe Sunday before the gig near the venue) but as usual would be grateful for y’all to self-organize yourselves on the shadowboxxx.

I love you all; I’ll be back with a more coherent story sometime, I’m more behind than usual. But enjoying myself immensely, so whatever.

I’m so tired.

Write me a poem

I love you

Goodnight

X

A

Photos Meow Wolf Santa Fe.