Kali (Patreon)

Kali — “Private Access”

The floor felt cool beneath my knees, a sharp contrast to the heat curling low in my chest. I steadied my palms against the tiles, breathing slowly, trying to quiet the storm I’d been pretending not to feel.

I could sense the wildness in me —

the part of myself I keep tucked away,

the part that wants to break through the surface

and make itself impossible to ignore.

I’m not afraid of being bold.

I’m afraid of what happens when I let myself go too far.

My hair slipped forward as I looked back over my shoulder, meeting the moment with a mix of defiance and hesitation. I could feel the tension humming through me, whispering that I was inches away from giving in to impulses I’d always kept on a tight leash.

But something held me still.

Maybe it was caution.

Maybe it was control.

Maybe it was the quiet understanding that once I crossed a certain line,

I couldn’t uncross it.

So I stayed there, kneeling —

caught between who I’ve been

and who I sometimes ache to be.

My body knew what it wanted.

My mind wasn’t sure it was ready.

That push and pull —

that wild, trembling almost —

lived in my chest like a heartbeat.

And in that suspended moment on the cool tiles,

I realised something that scared and excited me all at once:

I wasn’t holding back because I didn’t want it.

I was holding back because I wanted it too much.

Thank you for being on the inside of the curtain.