SLARPG: Writing a scene (Patreon)

Here's something a little different: a look at my writing process! Maybe not as glamorous as a character reveal, but hopefully still interesting. This time I'll be discussing the dialogue from the beginning of the game's first trailer and showing three different iterations of that scene

My initial draft:

Allison: Hey, Melody, hold on.
Melody: Hmm?
Allison: Are you sure about this? You don't have to become an adventurer to spend time with me.
Melody: Allison, you've wanted to do something like this since we were kids.
Allison: Yeah, well I also said I wanted to be an airplane when we were kids.
Allison: I mean, becoming a paladin just so you can keep an eye on me is a pretty big decision.
Melody: No, I'm positive. It'll be fun, right?
Melody: What's the worst that could happen?
[Claire appears]

So, this first draft has the basics of the scene--Melody and Allison are walking through the woods. Allison is curious about how Melody really feels about becoming a paladin, sort of establishing what they're doing (but not really), and Melody reaffirms her decision to become a paladin

The main problem here is that it doesn't convey their characters very well. Allison is overly concerned about Melody, and Melody seems pretty gung-ho about all this. I also don't like how it frames Melody's decision to become a paladin as something all about Allison. Like, yes, Melody is doing this, in part, so she and Allison can become adventurers together. But Allison claiming it's all about her reflects poorly on both of them

It's also just not that interesting in general, and leaves out a lot of key information. Why are they out in the woods in the middle of the night? What's the relationship between these two characters? So I slept on it, and a while later threw it all out and tried again. What I got was this:

Allison: Are you excited about this, Mel?
Melody: About finding Claire and Jodie?
Allison: Well, more about what's gonna happen AFTER we find them.
Allison: Claire's gonna pop out, give some little speech about how tracking her down "proves we're ready for a life of magic and monsters," and then swear us into her little adventurers' guild in the most dramatic way possible.
Melody: Oh, right.
Melody: Well, you're excited, right? If this works out then you could quit being a lumberjack and become a full-time adventurer.
Allison: Of course I'M pumped. I just wanna know how YOU feel about this, babe.
Melody: ...
[DIALOGUE CHOICE: Honestly, I'm having second thoughts / We'll be doing it together / You know what? I am pretty excited!]
Melody: I mean, we'll be doing it together, right? So. I'm sure it'll be fun
Allison: That's the spirit! We'll be the coolest adventuring duo ever. Just two girlfriends taking on the world!
Allison: Claire and Jodie will be there too, I guess. But it'll probably be fine.
[Claire appears]

Allison is more gung-ho, as she should be. She's a little concerned about what's going through Melody's head, but she's still trying to be positive and encouraging.

Melody, on the other hand, clearly has her reservations, but is trying to be brave and seems generally optimistic about her decision to become a paladin. At least, she does with the dialogue choice shown in the trailer. That's one of the main changes that makes this more interesting: it not only explains the story and introduces the characters, but also shows that the game will have branching dialogue! Which the original game didn't really have, like, at all

Some of the dialogue seems superfluous, though, and a few bits made it sound a bit more like exposition for the sake of the audience than a normal conversation. And even with all that, it didn't say anywhere that Melody was becoming a healer!

So I took one more shot, this time trimming out some of the unnecessary lines from my previous draft. However, this left it a little dry and utilitarian. It wasn't very fun

My brilliant solution? Make it gayer. New or rewritten lines are marked with underscores

Allison: Are you excited about this, Mel?
Melody: About finding Claire and Jodie?
Allison: I mean about their whole adventurers' guild thing.
Melody: Well, you're excited, right? This is a great opportunity for you.
Allison: Of course I'M pumped. I just wanna know how YOU feel about this, babe.
Allison: Learning healing magic is kind of a big deal.
Melody: ...
[DIALOGUE CHOICE: Honestly, I'm having second thoughts / We'll be doing it together / You know what? I am pretty excited!]
Melody: I'll admit, I'm a little nervous. This is uncharted territory for me.
Melody: But we'll be doing it together, right? So, I think it'll be worth it.
Allison: That's the spirit! We'll be the coolest adventuring duo Greenridge has ever seen. Just two girlfriends taking on the world!
Allison: And man, how lucky am I to have such a cute, nice girl as my healer?
Melody: Oh, stop! You're making me blush.
Allison: Claire and Jodie will be there too, I guess. But it'll probably be fine.
[Claire appears]
Claire: Can we get this show on the road already?