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Bahamut's Light: Chapter 17 (Patreon)

Published:
2022-07-24 22:31:04
Imported:
2026-06
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Content

In which a group of dragon and gryphons go to a seedy joint to recover some information on where Arcturus might be being kept.

Comments

Cryodrake

heads up, there's a lot. desctruction (destruction) “Is it going to be more sex? Cause the blue and grey one isn’t my type.” (whos grey? No one is grey there?) They needed information inside, they’d have to put up with a few things they’d not like. (They needed information inside so they'll have to put up with a few discomforts for the time being.) “Mount me and regret it kitty bird.” (Mount me and you'll regret it kitty bird) “Hmmpf. I was just poking fun.” (Hmmpf, I was just having fun.) (Poking fun or having fun? Not sure on that.) realgalness (regardless) He made sure his tail didn’t act up with a mind of it’s own, tearing whomever he passed out of their chair. (He made sure his tail didn't act up with a mind of it's own and accidently tear whomever he passed by out of their chair.) The dragon rested against the back wall, curling around the diminutive table that smelled heavily of soap and sick. (sick? do you mean vomit?) “And what help would I be then?” Stammered the ear splayed gryphon, undoing his pouch and placing a trio of smushed muffins upon the table. “None at all.” (so i looked this over and i forgot why i flagged this even though it looks fine. Double check this again just in case) If you’re information on myself is so great, you will know that he is captured beyond my paws (your instead of you're) Though tell me…How was this different than your previous plan? You literally just asked another person to relay a message. (lower case on How) You’re merely failing to understance the nuance of the situation my dear friend. (understand) To these people he was exotic, alluring, even a men feeding his beak with an assortment of berries and nuts (man instead of men) “ Frills flared (random " in the sentence, delete it.) Voidwing’s voice cut through the cacophany around them, the gryphon noticeably inching closer. (cacophony) He’d left the bowl of peppers overturned, licked clean by his talented tongue. (not a typo but curious about the wording. What would his tongue be talented at and how would veledar know? XD Genuine question about that one X3) “And you just know that?” He scoffed, “Is that not a bit naive? And just so we’re clear, if I wanted to burn this tavern down, there is nothing you could do to stop me.” The gryphon gave him a piercing look, “Perhaps that might be so, but my grandfather always told me that to have hope is better than no hope at all. True it might always come true, but what would believing you’ll already fail lead you?” (True it might always come true. A yes i see the gryphons have the power of ork imagination where if they believe it then it becomes true X3. I think you meant, True it might not always come true, but what does believing you've already failed get you?) They certainly were scared of them now, were they planning to get them out? (word said you could replace, scared of, with, feared.) He eyed the building mass of thugs, spying that there were four more. (add additional to this and perhaps give a total) wearabouts (whereabouts) All he had to go on where the scents of wolven and humans, (were instead of where) He wondered how Voidwing was doing, hoping that the black furred gryphon was already. (alright instead of already) as gravity had it’s lustful sway over his (its instead of it's) end of the tunnel opening up with a resounding click. (could remove up) Below was not a field of metal sikes, gleaming with ill intent, but instead a cavern floor lit by some golden light. (Spikes instead of sikes. Also do you need to add detailed descriptions to things that are not there? That is more of a writing question then a typo on that part) On the other side of the cavern was a door, but more something the size of a gate. It’s wood was covered in runes, pristine, and something the dragon would have loved to snatch off it’s hinges and add to his hoard. It smelled of oil and magic, sending a shiver down his spine. At his touch it was cool, no sign of a way to open it (i reword this whole paragraph, say the wood gate was unusually pristine for a dungeon and had runes carved into it. On it contained an item that tingled his nose from its smell, clearly recognizing it as magical) The question now upon his mind was not about his safety, for a dragon was never truly in danger. His nostrils flared as he took in the coppery smell of blood, hoping that the white wolves and her cohorts had not heard his little blunder. (Move the smell of blood to the start of the paragraph and then combine the safety and blunder part together so its like, safety was not on his mind but instead worried thoughts that he hoped none of the white wolfs minions heard his little blunder.) hole in which he’d come. (hole in which he fell from.) (also lol phrasing XD) His heart beat faster (his heartbeat grew faster) You offer yourself? Muscle to me, a dragon (muscle to me, a dragon? Might need to reword this.) That is the gate to enter your arena dragon. (That is the gate to enter the arena which you have fallen into dragon) With no way out, there was one option considered, a spell that he’d seen Fremra do plenty of time at the isle of draconis. It would take concentration, but he’d be able to shift his form into a gaseous cloud, allowing him to fly up and through the tiniest of openings. Unfortunately it needed a clear mind and no distractions. (change the wording too, With no physical way out he tried to devise a spell he could use to escape, he quickly remember one he saw Fremra used multiple times before on the isle of draconis. It would take concentration, but he’d be able to shift his form into a gaseous cloud, allowing him to fly up and through the tiniest of openings. Unfortunately it needed a clear mind and no distractions.) (also add a comma after unfortunately) That little incident with storm and the guardians, (why is there a comma there?) “So here’s my counter proposal dragon! You get to put on a show for all my guests!” (add comma after so) Guests? The dragon cocked his head, finding slots had slid free around the top edge of the arena. Far beyond his grasp, but not outside the reach of his fire breath. They looked to him with eager eyes, whooping and hollering as though they were a mad crowd. Was he to them some sort of entertainment? “You play yourself little wolf. Release me now before I roast all your patrons.” (paragraph needs rewording, needs better description for arena, what do you mean by top edge? The ceiling? Or are there windows to look down through into the arena? They looked to him with eager eyes, whos they? Were they expecting someone here already because why were they all already having eager eyes if Veledar just landed there and was chatting with the wolf a moment ago? Suggestion, have him fall into a holding cell that then opens to the arena a few moments later to allow guests to be excited. Also fire breath is two words) the pirate’s attentions gone for just the moment (did you mean his attention on the pirates left him for a moment?) did they think there was something that he could not best? (did they really think they had a foe he could not best) he doubted he’d get a moment to focus and lose himself to the spell. (lose himself to a spell or he doubt he get a moment to focus to lose a spell against an enemy?) Stronger, more durable yes, (Stronger and more durable yes,) If this was the only way that he could prove himself and get to Arcturus? So be it. (and get to Arcturus, then so be it.) Very well white wolf, if this will repay our debt then so be it. (add, and earn my freedom. This makes it so we know the giant is also a prisoner and not a giant whos "just happen to be there".) Storm giants they were called, (storm or frost? You describe them being to the north so i assume frost) “Is that so? You look like those I’ve slain.” (Is that so? Because you sure do look like those I've slain before to make this lovely outfit here.) that it was all the dragon could do to (that all the dragon could do was to) the satisfaction (the satisfaction of wounding him) When the giant game at him again, (came instead of game) he unleased a ear splitting roar. (an) It’s tremendous strength stung ears around the hall, shook stone and steel (as stone and steel shook) He landed with a clack of his claws, a confident smirk upon his snout. His foe was busy holding his ears, no doubt ringing. (as his foe was busy holding his ear which were no doubt ringing.) he giant shook his head as the crowd cheered, clearly not wanting this to be a shut case. His knuckles cracked as blood ran down his nostrils, it seemed the bravado had all but gone. (was the crowd not effected by the scream? The last paragraph said it stung ears around the hall so they all should be in pain for a moment) Perhaps his claws would not be sharp enough, but perhaps those? (His claws may not be sharp enough, but perhaps those were.) where his tray of muffins were. (was) “No prize of yours can deter me.” He growled, shaking his head, “All I need to know is where Arcturus is kept.” The white wolf sighed, retreating from the dragon’s gaze to find herself a bottle of wine. She grabbed a blackened one with a discarded label, offering some to the dragon before taking a swig. “I don’t have any.” (change it too, All i need is the information on where they're keeping Arcturus from me. That way her saying, i dont have any, makes more sense. OR, just change it so she says, i dont know where he is.) I do believe we’ve have far too much excitement for one eve.” (have had) Yes, the muffins worked dragon! Unlike him, he had the decency to wait and offer a gift! Instead of sneaking about like a thief!” “Thief?” Veledar gasped, then snapping his jaws at her nose, “You have the gall to call myself a thief after I’ve defeated your champion and have your life in my claws? White wolf, you have no means of trade left to you but your information on Arcturus.” (so how long was Veledar gone? Was the wolf stalling or actually busy?((which you should have Veledar comment about that delay like, Then what was with that long delay, you were stalling us! And then have her hold up a visitors list or something to show she actually was busy.)) Because did she finally become free while he was exploring and voidwing got entry to her then? Also i assume this was after the wolfs first chat with veledar because why didnt he then say anything. No wait he knew about the gas so why didnt he say anything to get him out? Like wtf) This chapter made me feel very angry at Voidwing and Krotos, both did things that were not within character and actually were wtf dick move moments. Lots of minor comma typos from word you should go through as well. Loved the dungeon and dragons ref though and the lore you added here with the giants was a cool addition. I also enjoyed Veledar remaining calm and using his lessons to show improvement.