Home
Creators
Search Recent Random
Posts
Search DMs Popular Hash Lookup Tags Random
Importer
Import FAQ
Register Favorites Keys Review DMs Logout
Community
Telegram ThePornDude
Home Creators Posts Import Register Favorites Logout

Bahamut's Light: Chapter 28+29 (Patreon)

Published:
2022-10-21 13:51:51
Imported:
2026-06
haven't archived this post yet. have a subscription? use the importer!

Downloads

  • Bahamut's Light Chapter 28.docx

Missing 1 file, as this post has not yet been imported.

Content

In which the battle begins in earnest, some moves are made to try and assail the walls.

Comments

Cryodrake

Ch 28 Above the air like a cloud of flies had been given form, a writhing mass of tattered flesh, bleached bones and mockery of the gryphon form. (in the first part add what was actually there or move the gryphon part to there and say, a gross mockery of their original forms.) it’s end. (its) meet it’s end. It wasn’t long (technically fine but you use its end and then it wasnt. Honestly i probably would have typed it like this but i figure i point it out if you wanted to change it or not) In the second and fifth paragraph you mention wizards summoning fog, but then you later mention walls to protect against the deadly fog? But then you mention struport also having fog? Recommend looking for all the fog parts. Shards of sharpened ice willed into being, spreading outwards in the blink of an eye, tearing through flesh and bone. Men shouted in shock, only to be drowned out by the chorus of others that ignited. (Shards of sharpened spikes made of ice were willed into being impaling and skewing the living while shattering the bones of the undead. Some traps would form a spiked ball of ice that would be tossed into the air at various heights before exploding launching the frozen spikes into the unfortunate victims bodies leaving them if not dead or destroyed severely incapacitated.) Should thank Jandar and Achaaz for such tricks, that’s what they were being trained to take orders from Skywing. (What? This needs rewording) Next your going (you're) He could feel the paladin’s anger, even if he was unwilling to admit it, that flame that matched the dragon’s own. (did you mean, with a flame?) I and Arcturus are for the more important targets that need to be removed (Arcturus and I) wheels and treads (did... did they have treads back then? I think thats a new thing.) Chirps of confirmation came as the dragon’s heart trilled, finally, some excitement, use, to show those in Struport, and himself that he could fill in for Storm’s paws. (needs minor rewording, stuff is good just needs to be written better) leaving it up to mages to try summon translucent hands of magical energy to try and rip Veledar from the very sky. (leaving it up to surviving mages as they desperately summoned translucent hands of magic in their attempts to rip Veledar from the very sky. or something like that) it’s guts. (its) they havn’t (haven't) All of that (word says you can remove of) Ch29 if it were me Id’ (so word is not angry but i just want to check, is that how you spell id'? Never seen it typed like that before) the pair, before his (word says remove comma) “You saw those towers Voidy, the lives that were lost, what will be lost should they reach us.” (minor reword) rubbed of on me (off) There was a pregnant pause (used this line like a paragraph ago) I’m not so sure, things to went well enough. (minor reword) “Surprised you’re using what some might call a deceptive trick.” (was this skywing or Asterion saying this?) Speaking of which, we’re about to, hope you don’t mind things hot. (double check this) knocking a glowing arrow and loosing it into the crowd. (before loosing it) the first flood, (floor) top most (topmost) of moments, before (remove comma) Had he struck? (this feels out of place) Recommendation: give totem warrior a totem sign, like something stitched into his hide or a object on his belt She slapped Arcturus on the bum, her hands glowing a vibrant green. “What ya say boy? Care to send this one for a trip?” (no mistake here, this just made me laugh a lot XD) by the blood thirsty roar of the soldiers behind it (remove blood) He was a demon how he swooped and brought death to those below, (double check to see if you used the demon description before, i think you did but i could be wrong) still smauldering embers (smoldering) Suggestion: Add random red clothed undead doing weird dance. Please tell me you get this reference. Cleaving a path he (add comma after path) But that was not to last, as the dragon’s scales turned back to the crimson glory they were before. He roared as sharpened blades tasted his blood, returning their kindness with a plume of fire. (Dragons scales are tough, maybe make it so a few swings bounced off before one finally found purchase) Like wow, just wow. These chapters feel amazing, it felt like i was watching a movie and it was incredible. I love the diving in and battling and seeing a totem warrior was a surprise! My favorite part was Merlia slapping Arcs ass to strengthen him. XD Great chapters, love your stories!