Murder, He Wrote - An Adam in Suburbia Update (Patreon)

Adam has truly lost it this time and Noah is desperate for reinforcements. Let me know if you want to actually watch Adam join the garden club and become the Angela Lansbury of Serenity Grove.

Noah: There’s something wrong with Adam. 

Asa: You’re just now figuring that out?

Atticus: 🙄

Noah: I’m serious. I’m worried about him. 

Felix: Is he spying on the neighbors again. 

Noah: Worse.

Zane: Is he killing the neighbors?

Noah. No. He…

Noah: I can’t even believe I’m typing this out. 

Atticus: Spit it out already. 

Noah: He joined the garden club!!! 😭😭

Avi: He did what now? 

Asa: What the fuck is the Garden Club? Is that like a strip club or some BDSM bar or something. 

Noah: I wish. He is now meeting up several times a week with the Real Housewives of Assisted Living to discuss his rare prize orchids. 

Mac: He has prize orchids? 🤔

Noah: NO!!! 

Lucas: I’m so confused. 

Archer: Why would a bunch of old ladies let Adam join their garden club?

Felix: Maybe they just wanted something nice to look at? 

Noah: You’re not listening. They let him in because of his rare prize orchids. 

Zane: The ones he doesn’t actually have? 

Avi: Why is this starting to sound like the Kuzcos poison conversation?

Noah: My lunatic husband spent $5k on some rare hybrid orchid online then gaslit these old ladies into thinking he grew it himself. He was going on and on about how one of them sold at an auction for $200k. 

Mac: At least he didn’t spend $200k. 

Felix: Adam really will do anything to avoid getting a real job. 

Noah: Not helpful. 

Felix: 💅🏽

Noah: He’s Googling the best fertilizer ‘for our zone’ even as we speak. Whatever the fuck that means. 

Atticus: Why does he need to know the best fertilizer if he’s just buying the orchids on the downlow? 

Noah: He said he’s getting into character. 

August: Is this some kind of prank? 

Noah: I fucking wish. He’s lost it. 

Atticus: To be fair, had he ever really found it?

Jericho: Did you ask him why he suddenly joined the garden club under false pretenses? 

Noah: He says he’s trying to solve a murder?!?!?!?! 😭

Archer: 😂 Totally changing Adam’s contact info to Angela Lansbury in my phone. None of you can stop me. 

Noah: This isn’t funny. 😤

Jericho: I mean…it’s a little funny. 

Asa: Adam sitting around a table discussing tea roses with a bunch of blue haired biddies. That’s…fucking hilarious, really. 

Noah: How is this funny? Do you really want my bored ex-supermodel husband sitting around Sherlock’ing a bunch of desperate housewives? 

Asa: Sounds kinky. 😉

Avi: More than I’ve ever wanted literally anything.

Felix:🤬🤬

Avi: I meant anything Adam related. You know you and the boys are my whole world. 

Felix: We fucking better be. 

Avi: Noah, I need you to let this play out. Please. Pretty please. It’s too delicious. 

Noah: What if people get suspicious of our…extracurricular activities? 

Lucas: Please, nobody would ever think Adam was smart enough to be some vigilante type. 

Atticus: Some days I’m shocked he can even tie his own shoes.

Felix: He does give off a kind of a himbo vibe. 

Noah: Avi gives off himbo vibes, too! 

Avi: 😎 💪

Felix: I didn’t say it was a bad thing. Breathe, babes.

August: I’m with Lucas. Besides, even if they thought he was smart enough, they certainly wouldn’t think he was benevolent enough. He’s in his thirties and still acts like a spoiled brat. 

Zane: He exudes bored trophy wife. I’m with the others on this one. I say let it play out. It keeps him out of your hair while you do your big-boy job. You said he was driving you nuts by calling and texting a hundred times a day. 

Aiden: Tommy and I agree. That kid needs a hobby that isn’t tweeting about your sex life from the POV of your dog. Let him have this. Maybe he will learn something useful. 

Noah: You think he’s actually going to solve a murder?

Aiden: God no. But he might accidentally learn to grow lettuce or something and who knows when that might come in handy? 

Lucas: Yeah, maybe he’ll let you get a bunny. 

Noah: You guys are zero help. I’m switching to the JB chat. Arsen will be on my side. 

Felix: Isn’t Arsen the one translating your Russian neighbors fights for Adam? He was awfully invested the last time I was at the garage. 

Noah: Fuck. You’re right. The JB chat has already been compromised. I need to think of an alternative before this goes any further. 

Zane: I say this with love, Noah, but are you sure it’s Adam that’s losing it? 

Noah: 🖕

NOAH HAS LEFT THE CHAT.