Adam & the Serenity Grove Gossip Group Chat (Patreon)

Eleanor's memorial is over and people have...thoughts. Unedited/Unbeta'd. Also after the group chat. Adam gets an anonymous text. Are they just playing along? I'm still sick so I have no idea if this sucks or not. And yes Jeanette's texting errors are on purpose.

Facebook.com/groups/SereniteaGroveGossips

🌸 SereniTea Grove Gossips 🌸

Where the tea is hot and the leaves are homegrown.

 Members: Jocelyn (President), Claude, Marjorie, Jeanette, Dottie, Helen, Mildred, Adam

Claude 🍆

Well, that was a spectacle. I've seen strip clubs with more class and decorum. Between the floral choices and the guests, it was like watching a bad stand-up routine.

Jocelyn 💐 (Admin)

For God’s sake, Claude. Please change your emoji. We have this discussion at least once a day. 

Claude 🍆

Why? I grow vegetables in my garden, Jocelyn? 

Jocelyn 💐 (Admin)

You know why. 😤

Marjorie 🌼

Speaking of stand up. Did you see Jeanette? She couldn’t even stand upright during the service. She was listing at a forty-five degree angle for so long I thought she was standing on a slope. 

Jeanette 🍷

Eat me, Marjorie. Did u forget I’m in this chat two? 

Marjorie 🌼

As wasted as you are, I expected you'd forget, dear. 

Jeanette 🍷

I just had a few glasses to calm my nerves.  

Marjorie 🌼

You must be a nervous wreck then, darling.

Dottie 🌺You did keep whispering “Is this the open bar line?” while we waited for communion. Did you see the priest’s face? He looked mortified.

Jeanette 🍷 Excuse me for grieving. Eleanor and I were very close. She always said I made her laugh.

Claude 🥀 She was laughing at you, dear. Not with. May she rest.

Helen 🌻

I don't know why you're lecturing Jeanette, Dottie. That dress you wore is older than your children. You could have at least found one that fit.

Dottie 🌺

It did fit, you pretentious cow. I haven't gained a pound in forty years.

Helen 🌻

Oh, please. Your ass looked like two feral hogs fighting under a painter's tarp and I couldn't even tell which one was losing. 

Dottie 🌺

You’re a real pick-me, Helen. You know that? 

Helen 🌻

A what? 

Dottie 🌺

A pick-me. Isn’t that right, Adam? I said it right, right dear? 

Adam 🧐 

Uh…yep. 

Dottie 🌺

Besides, why are you all attacking me? Jocelyn’s the one who made everything blue. 

Jocelyn 💐 (Admin) It was thematic, Dottie. 

Claude 🥀

What was the theme, Jocelyn? Frozen? Titanic? Blue hydrangeas, blue food, even her dress was blue? I kept expecting a small door to open and several oompa loompas to appear and roll her away to the juicer. It was...unsettling.

Jocelyn 💐 (Admin)

I was honoring Eleanor’s legacy. She always said blue brought out her eyes.

Marjorie 🌼

I don’t know about her eyes, but it did bring out the blue in her lips. It really wasn't her color. 

Adam 🧐 

Why was she so blue? That’s weird, right? I don’t know much about dead old people but you guys don’t all just…turn blue when you die right? 

Jocelyn 💐 (Admin) Of course not. They said it was natural causes. 

Claude 🥀Natural causes, my ass. She looked like someone left her in the icebox too long. Not a healthy glow, darling.

Adam 🧐 

Natural causes like nature caused it? Did she maybe touch something she shouldn’t have? 

Marjorie 🌼

Touch something? Like what? 

Adam 🧐 

Like anything. There’s no less than twelve things in my garden that could kill someone if they ingested it. Pesticides, herbicides, ant killer, snail bait.

Mildred 🌸

I don’t think any of those things would turn someone blue. Would they? 

Claude 🥀

No but some plants might. Something like aconite, maybe. 

Marjorie 🌼

You know Eleanor would never grow Monkshood. 

Adam 🧐 

Why not? 🤔

Helen 🌻

Because Tanner Rigsby grows it and they vowed to never grow the same plants again. Not since the incident. 

Adam 🧐 

The blue roses thing right? 

Jocelyn 💐 (Admin)

Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this. It seems in poor taste. 

Jeanette 🍷

Talking about a blue roses is considered garish, but surrounding a blue woman with more blues than a police precinct on donut day is perfectly fine? Got it. Such a hipocrite Jocelyn. 

Jocelyn 💐 (Admin)

Have another glass, Jeanette. Your real personality's starting to bleed through. 

Jeanette 🍷

At least my son didn’t bring Trader Joe’s flowers to a funeral, Jocelyn. 

Jocelyn 💐

How dare you? He would never. 

Claude 🥀

They were still in the plastic wrap, dear. 

Jeanette 🍷

Exactly. 

Jocelyn 💐 (Admin)

At least I got her name right during the eulogy. How many times did you call her by the wrong name, Jeanette?  

Adam 🧐 

Can we get back to the monkshood for a minute? Tanner Rigsby grows it? The same Tanner who hated Eleanor? Because they had beef over BLUE roses? 

Mildred 🌸Oh, my God. Adam’s right. Tanner has a whole bed of it in last year’s tour. Said it kept the deer away or something. 

Jeanette 🍷

More like it keeps coroners busy. I can’t believe Tanner might have finally killed Eleanor. 

Claude 🥀

I can.

Helen 🌻

To be honest, I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. She was a heinous bitch. 

Jocelyn 💐 (Admin)

Seriously, I’m not sure this is appropriate. We shouldn't speak ill of the dead.

Adam 🧐 

Does anyone know if she had any other symptoms? 

Helen 🌻

Eleanor did complain about tingling and stomach pain at the last meeting. Said she thought it was gas. I told her to cut back on the cucumber sandwiches.

Adam 🧐 

Looks like she cut back on breathing instead 😏

Jocelyn 💐 (Admin)

Let’s keep this respectful, please. She was a founding member.

Claude 🥀 

A member who called my chrysanthemums “slutty.” 

Mildred 🌸

And reported my front yard to the HOA claiming there was no grass, just weeds. Do you know how embarrassing that is as a member of the garden club? 

Helen 🌻

She once asked if my topiaries had been mauled by blind squirrels. Plural.

Claude 🥀

Remember that time she made Jeanette bring a side for the garden club picnic and then tossed it in the trash.

Helen 🌻

Oh, that's right. Then she announced that she did it for our safety, said that 'slop' was inedible.

Claude 🥀

Claimed we might all drop dead from food poisoning and that she wasn't going to go down as an accessory to murder.

Jeanette 🍷

She said my potato salad was a ‘cry for help’ and that maybe it was time for an intervention.

Adam 🧐 

Wow. I’m impressed. I’m also surprised nobody killed her sooner. 

Jocelyn 💐 (Admin)

Nobody said she was murdered! This is not appropriate. 

Jeanette 🍷

Calm yourself, Jocelyn, before your heart explodes. 

Jocelyn 💐 (Admin)

Drop this right now or I’m archiving the whole group. 

Jeanette 🍷

You do that every time things don't go your way. What are you trying to hide, Jocelyn?

Claude 🥀

You are starting to sound very suspicious. Are you hiding monkshood, Jocelyn? 🔍

*group archived*

Text message

747-443-3345: Stop asking questions. 

Adam: That’s the worst possible thing to text me if you want me to stop asking questions cuz now I have a hundred more. 

747-443-3345: I’m warning you. 

Adam: This isn’t a horror movie or some blockbuster thriller. You can’t scare me off. I’m not going to stop asking questions. 

747-443-3345: Who are you, anyway? You don’t act like any rich model I know. 

Adam: How many rich models do you know? 👁️👄👁️

747-443-3345: Go back to taking pretty pictures, Tyra. 

Adam: I can do both. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to trace this number. 

747-443-3345: Do you think I would be stupid enough to use my real number? 

Adam: You were stupid enough to murder a woman using a clearly identifiable poison so…yeah, maybe. 

747-443-3345: I didn’t kill her. 

Adam: That sounds like something a killer would say. 🤔

747-443-3345: I tried to warn you. Your funeral, pal. 

Adam: I'll take my chances. But if I need a theme, I prefer an ‘80s hair band vibe. I think that would be epic and I look hot in full glam.