The Scandal Hits the News...and the Family Chat (Patreon)

Felix: Lucas. Blackwell. Mulvaney. You kinky little freak. I didn’t think you had it in you. 

Noah: Is this about their little sex session in the LIBRARY?

Adam: Definitely sounds like he had something in him. 

Noah: Adam! 

Adam: What? Did it not sound like Lucas was catching? I’m not saying he doesn’t pitch too. Context clues. I doubt August would want Lucas explaining Quantum whateverment to him as foreplay so it had to be that way. Though I didn’t think Lucas would be into that either. 

Asa: Context clues? Who taught Adam that phrase?

Archer: It came in his Blues Clues detective kit.

Adam: 🖕 Eat my whole ass, Jack Sparrow.

Mac: I thought we were here to discuss Lucas and August's freaky exhibitionism kink.

Avi: Of course, you two nerds have a science kink. 

Zane: So you guys saw it already? I didn’t think you read that kind of thing?

Lucas: Read what? 🕵🏻 Who’s the 🐀 

Noah: I’ve never seen you use emojis before. This is bad.

Aiden: The campus article. Matty told us.

Thomas: Way to make a great first impression by the way. Just stellar showing, you guys.

Aiden: My brother’s been a part of this family for six seconds. 

Zane: Uh, no. Not the campus article…the other one. 

Lucas: The other one?!?!?!?! What other one?

Zane: Uh, that freaky chick who never stops blogging about us. Riley whatever her name is. She got a hold of the story and it’s going viral. How have that many people caught you fucking? Even Asa and I don’t get caught that much and I have a bonafied exhibition kink. 

Matty: I don’t know how I ended up in this chat but just so you know there’s also no less than five TikToks about this and now there’s a August/Lucas campus sex-watch. The math department has a whole betting pool. Everyone wants to be the next person who catches Lucas getting his back blown out. 

Lucas: I'm not the only one taking it, you know? We've been caught in multiple differing configurations. We're verse.

Thomas: Dear God. Are you two trying to put me in an early grave? You’re supposed to be the adults. The ones I don't have to worry about.

Archer: I cannot believe you got caught. And by one of your first year students, no less. 

Zane: You've never gotten caught by students? You live at your school.

Mac: No, we prefer to keep our sex lives private. You're the only psychopaths that know way too much about the sex lives of family members.

August: If you knew how many times we’ve done it and not gotten caught you’d be impressed. Besides, every time we’re caught, we make a donation. At this point, its charity work. 

Lucas: Could you not refer to sex with me as charity work? 

August: Sorry, my love. 

Avi: 🤮

Felix: Don’t vomit emoji his apology, you dick. 

Avi: Sorry, kitten. 🥹

Zane: The article does ponder if the reason they haven’t been fired is the money they pay when they’re caught.

August: The reason we haven’t been fired is because we’re both tenured professors. People say we could literally commit murder and not lose our jobs. We like to test the boundaries of our employment contracts. 

Thomas: You’re testing the boundaries of my blood pressure medication. Where’s Noah?

Noah: Me? What am I supposed to do? Follow them around and spray water on them like they’re horny cats every time they give each other fuck-me eyes? I have a company to run. I can’t play babysitter to a bunch of oversexed adults. 

Thomas: How much of your salaries have you paid back to the school in hush money? Can’t you at least keep it in your offices? This is getting embarrassing. 

Asa: Getting? 🤣

Matty: Does the chat always go this hard? 👀 It’s kind of intense. 

Thomas: Of course not. 

Zane: I don’t think we should lie to him. 

Avi: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Good one, Zaney. 

Zane: I wasn’t being funny. This chat is a case study on mental illness. 

Lucas: I concur and I’m a professional. 

Thomas: Debatable. A professional wouldn’t get caught with their pants down around their ankles at work. 

Felix: Avi and I can tell you that that’s catagorically untrue. If I had a dollar for every time I had to remind Avi that his office walls are made of glass, I'd never have to design another gown again. The key is owning the company. 

Asa: Felix is right. When you’re the boss, you can handle any incidents with a well timed bonus and a reminder that they signed an NDA when they got the job. 

Matty: Well this has all been, uh, something but I have a thing with Jordan. If I leave the chat are you just gonna add me back?

Thomas: Of course not.

Calliope: Absolutely. You’re part of this family now. Its too late to change your mind. 

Felix: Was she here the whole time? 

Noah: It’s Calliope. She’s everywhere. 

Matty: Yeah, this is weird. Have fun or whatever. 

Matty has left the chat

Thomas: Now look what you’ve all done.