The Self-Doubt is Creeping In Hard (Patreon)

TL;DR: I'm starting something new and feeling wildly insecure so I'm just word vomiting (see whining) onto the page and forcing you guys to read it. This is essentially a long-winded diary post. Feel free to skip it. I promise you're not missing much except a glimpse at how insecure and neurotic I really am.

You know how they say you get over your stage fright by imagining your audience in their underwear? Well, I have the opposite problem. Every single time I try something new, it feels like I'm the one standing on stage in my underwear, under a giant spotlight, which is not how that's supposed to go. There's nothing more vulnerable to me than asking for help or admitting any kind of weakness.

Not for others, of course. Just for me. Others should always ask for help...just not me.

I'm so excited about my new company, The Burned Out Muse. It's my witchy, fandom, teaching company I've Frankensteined together out of my favorite things. It feels like me. I think it would be fun and beneficial. There's almost 600 people in the Discord in just 14 days...I should feel super excited.

But I don't.

It still feels like failure.

Which is lunacy.

But I'm a Virgo.

I always want everything to be perfect the first time. If its not, its a great big F. That's how I've always lived my life. I get an A+ and anything less is an F. Full stop. And its not just an F. Its an F because I'm stupid or incompetent or an embarrassment. And that's both trauma and Virgo perfectionism. My parents didn't put that pressure on me. I did. I taught myself to tie my shoes in one day. I taught myself to ride a bike, roller skate, read, write. Everything. By just sitting down and doing it over and over until my fingers bled or my eyes felt like sandpaper.

My mom said I came into this world with this baggage. She probably wasn't wrong. Like most Gen X'ers, I raised myself. I also almost died 6 times before I was 5 which probably didn't help but that's a story for another time.

When I attempted to start a new business two years ago (the short-lived ScribeStream) I wanted to show other authors how to grow their Patreons so they could have a feral following of their own like you guys are for me. And because I was so busy with my writing, I subbed out a lot of the work. I hired a publicist to run my social media so it looked professional, I hired a company to build my website and sales funnels. I needed everything to look and feel perfect. I didn't want to be on camera because I'm too: fat, old, ugly, poorly dressed, etc. You name it, I've said it about myself.

So I was really hands off about the whole thing. I just went along with the experts until it became too corporate, too sleek, to smarmy and I hated it. It just wasn't me at all. Still, I launched and it blew up for a hot minute.

I've always felt drawn to teaching, sharing what I've learned, regardless of what job I was doing. I was an adjunct professor of nursing. I was the nurse educator for Cleveland Clinic. I taught all our baby nurses how to start IV's. I love teaching. At cons, people seek me out and ask to pick my brain over everything from marketing to Patreon to writing and I do it because its always super collaborative. They always end up sharing their knowledge too. And I end up making good friends out of other authors.

But when I've put myself out there in the past, when I've offered to help, I instantly cringe at myself. Most people don't get my vibes. I am equal parts strategy and witchy woo woo manifestation. I believe in science but I believe that astrology and human design are the universes cataloging system. I believe in manifestation the way I believe in quantum physics. I know it exists, I just can't explain why.

I can show people how I do what I do. I can tell them how to write like me, market like me, merchandize like me. But they need to put their own spin on it or its not authentically them and it will show to readers. I've spent so much time trying to figure out how to do that. How to teach authors to show their weird, bizarre, over-the-top selves. And I think I figured it out and it all breaks down to my two favorite things: fandom & psychology.

So this time I decided to just do it my way. Weird. Witchy. Nerdy. Fandom heavy. The Feral Fandoms Podcast is going to be gossipy, educational and chaotic. We're going to look at popular fandoms: Supernatural, Twilight, K-pop Demon Hunters, even 50 Shades, and we're going to breakdown what made them so appealing and how authors can steal those psychololgical cues for their own works. We're just gonna do it in a way that doesn't feel like we're teaching.

My cohost and I have great chemistry. She's just as sarcastic and blunt as I am. That's because we are related. She's my niece. You guys know her better as Shannon@onleyjames.com. Yeah, the Shannon who runs my shop. The Shannon who sends you all the goodies. We used to have a paranormal podcast together that almost always devolved into chaos. If you've been with me long enough, you might remember it.

I think if nothing else, people will find it fun and funny.

For the podcast to get seen on Spotify and Apple, we essentially need 500 listens in 48 hours, which feels like climbing Mt. Everest when you're starting from scratch. We need people to rate, review, subscribe. We need them to share...to interact. I have a huge audience. I have you guys. You've always showed up whenever I asked which is amazing. But I cringe over asking for help (see above). I cringe at asking people to do something for me for purely selfish reasons. Even though I know you're all happy to help, I'll likely turn it into a giveaway so I feel less guilty.

That's not true. I'll never feel less guilty. LOL. I live in a constant state of guilt. And that's on CPTSD, I suppose. Every time I post about this new business, a voice is whispering that I'm neglecting my readers, that nobody cares about my advice, that people are rolling their eyes at me. I'm always rolling my eyes at me too. My posts seem self-serving. My messages are cringey. I sound too rehearsed...blah, blah, blah.

Yes, I know this sounds so whiny. I'm successful. The voice in my head is a non-stop commentary on why this is a waste of time. I should be happy where I'm at. Why do I want to 'educate' others? Who am I to think I even can? What if this business crashes and burns? What if nobody listens to the podcast? What if I can't produce enough content to keep up with Onley James, Nolah Harker and The Burned Out Muse? On and on it goes.

If I had a dollar for every person who told me I'm only successful because I got lucky, I'd never have to write another book again. Maybe they're right. Maybe nothing I say matters. Maybe I should stay in my lane. But the thing about me is, I just do things whether they're gonna work out or not. I just impulsively jump right in the moment something feels right, and sometimes they work and sometimes they crash and burn.

When I first came up with the idea for Unhinged, every single thing went wrong on release day and I was sure it was a sign. Yet, it made my career. So is this panic in my chest right now a good thing or a bad thing? Is it intuition trying to tell me to run away screaming or self-doubt trying to sabotage me...again?

Do you guys ever have that moment where something you were super excited about just suddenly starts to feel like the worst idea you ever had? How far into any new project or idea before you start to explode into a thousand bats of self doubt? Did you push through and do it anyway? I know I'm on here using you guys like my diary, but I feel better when I'm writing to an audience (I'm an attention whore at heart, I guess)

Oh, and I swear I have plenty of chapters coming for you this week. I haven't been just slacking and working on my new business. I'm also working on a surprise for you guys for Halloween but that will have to wait. Also the Halloween standees are complete and I'll share them with you in a bit.

Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED Talk on crippling self-doubt and if you do want to follow my new accounts here's a shameless plug: linktr.ee/TheBurnedOutMuse but don't feel obligated...like at all. I just needed to vent a bit. As always, thanks for listening.