Vengeful Bonds S3 - Episode 8 - Seth (Patreon)

Very unbeta'd/unedited. So much schmoop. And a reunion.

Why was he so nervous? It was like he was meeting a blind date or late for a job interview. There was a pit in his belly as deep as the ocean and twice as wide. He’d gone from being the happiest he’d ever been in his life just three weeks ago, to sitting at the bottom of a hole he wasn’t sure he could crawl out of.

Maybe he was being dramatic. No, he was being dramatic. But didn’t he deserve to be a little dramatic? His mate–the future father of his children–might be in there telling his best friends that Seth was the biggest mistake he’d ever made, that he was isolating not out of guilt but because he couldn’t go on pretending anymore.

His stomach lurched at the dark–and probably made up–thought. What would he do if he was all alone without his mate? 

Except he wasn’t alone. 

He had his pack. 

They wouldn’t let him be alone. But they haven’t seen the worst of you. 

San was the only one who’d ever met him unmedicated…he was the only one who knew who Seth was without the buffer of amphetamines to slow down his racing mind.

He tried to mentally shrug off his gloomy mood but it clung like gum to his shoe. San and Fenny had offered to stay with him while ‘the talk’ happened, but their anxiety was ripe in the air, triggering his own, making it all so much worse. He’d escaped to his bedroom–their bedroom–throwing himself on the bed and burying his face in Saint’s pillow.

Tears instantly gathered against his will. The pillow didn’t smell like him anymore. Nothing did. Their room used to be this perfect combination of their scents. Crisp apples and buttered rum so thick in the air you could taste it if you tried. Seth had taken that scent for granted. And now it might be too late. The thought was an anvil on his chest, making it hard to breathe.

Now it just smelled like Seth…the worst of Seth. The sharp acrid scent of his sadness and panic was like ashes on his tongue. Sure, he was being dramatic. He understood that logically. Saint hadn’t died. He was just down the hall. There was no reason to mourn someone who lived under the same roof…but he was. He really was. Without him, it was like missing a limb. He could still feel it, but he couldn’t see it. It was phantom pain, the ache of something that should have been there but wasn’t, raw and unrelenting.

His emotions had taken on a life of their own. His very own shadow person. He wanted to scream into his pillow, kick his feet and pout like a toddler. Instead, he stayed where he was, the fabric absorbing his tears and occluding his breathing. It felt good to struggle a little. God, that was so dark.

He wasn’t sobbing, at least. Right? Fenny had reminded him that all this stress wasn’t good for the baby—babies?—Was there even a baby? His certainty waned moment by moment. The nausea, the vomiting, the heightened sense of smell, having to pee every three seconds. It all screamed positive. But a voice in his head whispered he was just imagining it all. Maybe he’d willed the symptoms into existence, his body desperate to anchor Saint to him in the most permanent way.

At this point, he didn’t even know which he wanted more. Did he want to raise babies with the man he loved in self-imposed exile over something that wasn’t even his fault? Seth wanted this baby. He just wanted Saint too. Did that make him selfish or childish? Both? Too childish to raise a baby? Maybe that didn’t matter anymore.

He jumped when the door flew open, sitting up so fast his body almost revolted by showing him his meager breakfast again. He frowned as Ollie forcibly shoved Saint through the door then slammed it shut behind him, leaving the two of them alone.

The wave of emotion that washed over him made him dizzy, Saint’s scent hitting him like a wrecking ball. Seth tried to take him in. His hair was so long the damp tendrils hung in front of his eyes. He’d lost weight. But so had Seth. But where Seth felt like he looked somehow doughy and skinny, Saint looked chiseled, especially with his face clean-shaven. Something he hadn’t seen in a while. It wasn’t fair, the way grief hollowed Seth out but sharpened Saint into something even more devastating.

Seth’s omega was wide awake now, gnawing at the bars of his enclosure. The sudden wave of possessiveness knocked him for a loop, his physical presence making his insides clench. Saint was just so...

Mine.

Saint was his. He belonged to him. Just him. He was Seth’s mate, his alpha. He wanted to grab him, pin him, dig his nails in and feel his skin give beneath his teeth, mark him so that he knew who he belonged to. So that he never left him again.

But he’d already done that.

They were mated.

They’d claimed each other. How many nights had Seth replayed that night in his head over the last three weeks? Usually while trying to get himself off. Saint already belonged to Seth in all the ways that mattered, he belonged to the pack. He was his. He was theirs. Nobody would ever love him more than they did.

Yet, somehow that hadn’t been enough. It made him sad…and bitter. But not so bitter his body wasn’t having a reaction to his alpha’s sudden return. He let his gaze rake over Saint’s form. His green t-shirt, his gray sweatpants…He bit his bottom lip, both hard and leaking. His cock twitched like it recognized its owner before his brain even caught up.

What was wrong with him? This was so not the time for this.

But maybe it was.

Seth looked down at his–Saint’s–threadbare hoodie and his own baggie basketball shorts. He should have taken the opportunity to clean up. But he honestly hadn’t thought the talk would work so quickly. But it had. And now they were standing there, just staring at each other, both of them frozen.

He was holding it together fine until he met Saint’s eyes and saw the raw guilt there. He didn’t even have time to process the sudden wave of emotion welling up inside him before a sob escaped, loud and embarrassing. Saint looked horrified, but Seth couldn’t stop. His body curled in on itself, arms clutching his stomach like he could hold himself together with sheer will.

He had no control over his body anymore. He was getting emotional whiplash. Sad one minute, angry the next. Horny one minute, depressed the next. One day he was fine, the next he was a monster made entirely of doubt and insecurity. It was like standing on a boat in choppy seas. He just couldn’t get his legs under him anymore.

Saint stumbled forward, dropping to his knees in front of him, burying his face in his lap, compounding Seth’s aforementioned horniness. The scent of his mate and his sudden proximity to his dick had his omega taking hold in an entirely new and wholly inappropriate way.

He fisted Saint’s damp curls, tears still streaming hot down his face. He must look awful. Face red, nose running, tears streaming hot down his instantly sweaty face. He tried sniffling, tried holding back the torrent of tears, but nothing was working. He was leaking in every way. Even his thighs were damp. The salt of his tears mixed with the faint musk of Saint’s hair, every nerve ending screaming for comfort and contact.

It took him longer than it should for him to realize that it was Saint. He was crying. That sent Seth’s omega into a tailspin. Things were bad if his alpha was crying.

“If you’re crying and I’m crying, who’s driving the bus?” Seth joked through his sobbing.

Saint pressed his face against Seth’s soft tummy, words muffled as he rasped, “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Seth wailed. “I’m the one who’s sorry. This is all my fault. I didn’t even think about what might happen if you were exposed to that medication. I didn’t think of anyone but myself. I just wanted it so bad and it never occurred to me that with your ruts being so bad and your PTSD-” Seth stopped, the words clotting in his throat, as another wave of anguish hit him. The guilt burned hotter than acid, coating his insides until he could hardly breathe.

Saint picked his head up, thumbs sweeping over Seth’s cheeks, wiping away the tears that were coming too fast.

Seth shivered beneath his touch. “Stop looking at me like that. I am all puffy and gross.”

“I won’t, actually,” Saint said. “I’ve missed looking at you. I’ve missed your scent…your body…” Seth’s chest heaved at his words but he couldn’t speak. “I’m sorry for running away from you. I’m sorry for abandoning you and leaving the pack to do my job.”

His words were a slap to the face. “Your…job?”

“Taking care of you is my job,” When he saw whatever Seth’s face was doing, his gaze softened. “And I love my job,” he clarified. “I should have been here taking care of you. Especially after…” The haunted look returned. “–all those bites and…scratches. Just looking at them felt like someone was clawing my guts out. But I shouldn’t have left. I should have sucked it up. I wasn’t thinking straight. I haven’t been thinking straight for weeks.” Something dark flashed in his soft brown eyes. “Fuck, you smell incredible. I missed you so much.”

He pushed Seth onto his back, crawling over him, burying his face in his neck. Was it weird to miss the lack of stubble scraping his skin? His weight on top of him was more than enough. He wanted to sleep just like this–to live just like this–with Saint crushing him into the mattress forever.

“I missed you, too,” Seth said, still petting his fingers through his hair. “Nothing smells like you anymore. Not your clothes, your pillow…me.” He sniffled. “Fuck, I am so happy to see you and its making me super horny...and a little hungry,” he admitted. His stomach growled right on cue, cutting through his hiccuping breaths.

Seth flushed as Saint smiled against his throat. His heart swelled behind his ribs. He loved this, loved him. He’d missed him so much. He just wanted to say it over and over. But he didn’t. 

“Don’t laugh at me,” he whined, secretly hoping Saint never stopped laughing at him.

He was just so…relieved to feel Saint’s smile. But then his weight was gone. Seth frowned up at him, but Saint just hauled him further up the bed, then settled on top of him once more. Seth’s legs parted on instinct, biting back a moan when he realized Saint was also hard.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Seth said, breathlessly, pressing his lips to Saint’s mating mark, then licking over it. He only hesitated a moment before biting down just enough to feel his teeth sinking in. The feel of his skin trapped between his teeth made him a little feral.

“Bite me harder,” Saint said, sounding as wrecked as Seth felt.

He didn’t hesitate, biting down until blood filled his mouth, the copper tang of his alpha’s blood making their bond pulse hotter, brighter, like fire racing through his veins. Saint groaned, his hips rutting forward, dragging a desperate sound from Seth as their bodies collided, his eyes rolling behind his lids. 

“Bite me too,” he begged, licking over the fresh wound.

Saint’s whole body stiffened…silence stretching between them. “I-”

Fuck. Why had he said that? He was so stupid. Saint had just locked himself away for three plus weeks for mauling him and now Seth was asking him to relive that trauma for his own selfish interests.

“Nevermind,” Seth said quickly. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine,” Saint countered, burying his face in Seth’s neck. “I just…I just need a minute.”

This time it was Seth who stiffened, those dark voices whispering in his ear once more. “Because you’re regretting it?”

Saint pulled back, his expression pinched, his face haggard but so handsome, pretty amber eyes full of concern. “Regretting what?”

Seth could barely force the words out. “Claiming m-”

Saint cut him off with a harsh press of his lips to his own. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence. I’d carve it into my skin a thousand times if it would prove it to you. How can you even think that? I knew you were mine the second I saw you. Are you crazy?” 

Seth nodded. “So they say. I got a diagnosis and everything.”

Saint nuzzled his nose against Seth’s for a moment, then kissed him soft and slow, before propping his chin on his hand, staring down at him. “Speaking of diagnoses…I hear you’re avoiding one.”

Seth’s stomach clenched like he’d been mule-kicked. “I’m not avoiding it exactly,” he hedged.

“You can’t lie to me,” Saint said, bending down to slot their lips together once more. 

Seth sighed into his mouth as Saint’s tongue swept inside. He tasted like mint. He let himself get lost in the kiss, his whole body alive. When Saint broke the kiss to give him an expectant look, Seth huffed out a breath through his nose. “I just…needed a minute. It was all getting too real.”

“This is what you wanted, right?” Saint asked, his unease making Seth’s omega want to bare its throat. “If you’ve changed your mind, there’s…ways to fix that.”

Despite Saint’s clear discomfort, the lack of judgment in his voice soothed the ragged edges of Seth’s panic. He forced himself to meet his gaze. “It’s not that. At all. It’s just…what if it’s negative? What if I’m making it all up in my head. That would be so embarrassing and all this suffering would have been for nothing.”

“You know it's not negative,” he said, a smile playing at the corners of his perfect mouth. “I’ve been with you for fifteen minutes and even I know that you’re pregnant.”

“You can’t know that…” Seth said, shaking his head.

Saint laughed softly, dipping down to nose at his scent gland. “Nobody knows your scent better than me. You smell incredible. So sweet. It’s so…Fuck. It’s so hot. I’ve missed you,” he said again. “I’ve missed this.”

His teeth grazed the gland, a dangerous tease that made Seth’s entire body arch. He whined as Saint’s weight disappeared and so did the pressure on his aching cock. The alpha sat back on his knees, sliding both hands under Seth’s shirt, pushing it out of the way to press his lips to the bare skin of Seth’s belly.

“I missed you, too. I’ve been going crazy without you.”

They were just talking in circles, but it felt like he couldn’t say it enough, couldn’t stop saying it, like if he did, Saint might fade away like an apparition. 

Saint framed Seth’s belly button with his palms. “I can’t believe there’s a baby in there. Our baby.”

“We don’t know that yet,” Seth said faintly.

“Ollie definitely knows,” Saint countered. “He didn’t say you might be pregnant. He said you are pregnant. He said ‘babies’.” He frowned, gaze flicking up to Seth’s, voice taking on a stern tone. “He said you’ve been really sick…that you’re not eating, not sleeping…You know that’s not good for you or the baby…babies.”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t have run away and left me spiraling,” Seth whispered. 

Saint gave him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, little one. But I need to know you’ll take care of yourself even if I’m not here.” 

“Why wouldn’t you be here?” Seth asked, panic clawing at him.

“I’m not going anywhere, baby, but things happen. Life happens. There’s no guarantee-” 

“Don’t say that. Not today. Not now,” Seth begged. “I don’t want to hear about reality today.” 

Saint looked down at him, concern bleeding from him. “Just promise me you’ll take care of yourself. Or that you’ll at least let the pack take care of you.” 

“I just haven’t been feeling well,” Seth hedged.

Saint looked back to Seth’s belly. “You’re so little, it seems impossible that there’s a baby in there, much less two.”

Seth’s heart rate skyrocketed, his anxiety welling within him for the thousandth time that day. “What if I can’t do it?”

Saint frowned, sharpened gaze pinning him in place. “What?”

Seth couldn’t fight the whimper that escaped. “Like what if I’m bad at it? What if it doesn’t stick? What if I do something wrong and lose him, them? I’m already doing everything wrong. I can barely eat. And when I do, it all comes back up. And now I have to stop taking my ADHD meds. How am I supposed to go nine months without my meds? People barely tolerate me medicated. Now I’m gonna be hormonal and a nightmare.” His voice cracked, words tumbling too fast, fear rising like a tide he couldn’t hold back.

“What are you talking about? Everyone loves you. Every single person who meets you adores you. Our pack adores you. Ollie yelled at me. Told me I was being a shitty alpha. Told me you’ve been suffering. Binnie said you’re having nightmares. That you’ve been sleeping with him and San every night. Those were my friends, people I trusted with my life, riding for you, not me. They chose you.” Seth swallowed the lump in his throat as Saint asked, “Have you really been sleeping with San and Binnie?”

Seth gave a stilted nod. “It’s too empty here without you. And San and Binnie’s alpha pheromones calm me down when I start getting…shaky.” Seth chewed his lip for a beat or two before he said, “But nobody knows the real me. The unmedicated me. The one who was so annoying people actively avoided me for years. San’s the only one who understands, the only one who could tolerate me…”

Saint looked shattered. “We love you. Everyone loves you. Unmedicated you isn’t the ‘real’ you. Your ADHD isn’t you anymore than my PTSD or OCD is me. They’re illnesses.”

“Either way, being without my meds…you don’t know what that’s like. You think I’m insecure now? That I'm neurotic now? That I talk too much? I’m going to be insufferable.”

“Stop,” Saint said, moving to loom over him, cupping his face. “I don’t think any of those things. Nobody does. You’re the most lovable person I know. Those voices in your head are lying to you. It's just noise from when you were a kid. And I get that. I do. We all have it to some degree. But none of it’s real.”

His hands shook a little where they held Seth, proof he was still wrestling with his own demons too.

“Then why did you run away?” Seth asked. “Your ruts aren’t you. My heats aren’t me. But you left me. You left me here all alone. Do you know how much that sucked?”

Saint closed his eyes. “I swear I’ll pull it together. I’ll make it up to you every day. Forever.”

“Just swear you’ll never leave me again,” Seth said, forcing him to meet his gaze. “Swear it on my life…cause if you disappear again I don’t know if I’ll survive. I know that’s dramatic or whatever but it's true. I don’t like me without you.”

“I won’t swear on your life. But I promise I won’t leave you again. Not if I can help it. But you have to promise me you’re going to take care of yourself. You need to find a doctor. One who can help you get off your medications safely. You need to start eating.”

Seth grimaced. “I am eating. It just makes a reappearance about ten minutes later. I can only eat like…two foods without hurling.”

“Well, you can talk to the doctor about that, too. We don’t have to use Win. There’s nothing suspicious about you and I having a baby.” Saint stopped like he’d just been hit with a brick. “You’re gonna have a baby. Babies. You’re gonna have my babies.”

His voice cracked on the word ‘babies,’ like it broke him open from the inside out.

Seth frowned. “Yeah…that is kinda what we’ve been talking about.”

“Yeah, I know but it just hit me,” Saint said, looking awestruck. “It’s kind of amazing.”

“I’ll remind you of that when I look like a water buffalo with cankles and a moon face.”

Saint stared at him for a solid thirty seconds before he started laughing. “Cankles?”

“Stop laughing,” Seth cried, slapping at Saint. “It happens. There’s nothing sexy about pregnancy unless you're like one of those instamodels who make it all look so easy.”

Saint continued to laugh, shaking his head. “You are gorgeous. You’ve always been gorgeous. You’ll be gorgeous with cankles and a…moon face. Whatever that is.”

“You say that now…” Seth said grumpily. “Wait until you have to have sex with me when I’m the size of a house.”

“Oh, no,” Saint mocked. “I can barely keep my hands off you now. You think more proof that you’ve been thoroughly bred is going to make you less sexy to me? Really?” 

His hips rolled unconsciously, like his body was already proving his point.

Seth moaned, arching into him. “Maybe…”

Saint rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “Fuck, you’re so cute. I’ve missed you so much.”

“Then why didn’t you come back sooner,” Seth asked before he could stop himself.

“Cause I convinced myself that you already hated me. That you’d finally come to your senses and realized what I’d done to you.”

“I would never hate you. Ever. You know that.” Seth scanned his face. “You have to know that. Right?”

Saint sighed. “We’re a mess.”

Seth huffed out a laugh. “Good thing we’re gonna be parents…” They laid there in silence for a few minutes until Seth started to squirm. “If we’re done with apologies, I have another problem I could use your help with.”

Saint studied his face, knowingly. “What’s that?”

“You know what. There’s no way you can’t smell how much I want you right now.”

His cocky expression faltered a bit. “Are you…sure?”

“That I’m horny? I haven’t had your hands on me in three weeks. Of course, I’m sure.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Saint said. 

“Then don’t say no,” Seth countered. He dragged Saint’s hand down to his waistband, daring him to feel just how ready he was. “Cause that would fucking kill me.”