I'm Back with Another 'Dear Diary' Post (Patreon)

Feel free to skip this as always. This is gonna be political, but I'm not the one who made it that way. This is about me being on a list. Its nothing truly related to my books so you aren't missing anything except my manic ranting driven by too much caffeine and a very weird day.

I have spent half of my career joking that I'm probably on a watchlist because of the insane things I am forced to research. Can you freeze a body then shatter it? Yes. Would a human body actually go through a meat grinder? Sort of. Maybe. At what temp does the human body completely breadown? 1400-1800 fahrenheit. Can pigs actually eat a whole human? Yes. Except for the teeth and larger bones.

So, yeah. I'm likely on someone's radar no matter how much I type that I'm a writer.

Of all the people being 'canceled', I didn't think it would be me. I'm not perfect. Some people find me downright obnoxious. But I try to be on the right side of history. However, that puts me on the left side of politics, so maybe I should have seen this coming.

I'm not exactly quiet about my political beliefs, but as a bisexual autistic woman with an ex-wife, an autistic daughter who is currently married to a woman and in a poly relationship with a man (who is the father of both my grandchildren), I can't really afford to be quiet about my politics. This current administration is actively gunning for my family, my whole family, including my grandbabies.

Last night, I learned that I, along with several (around 200) other authors are on banned book/do not support lists being circulated by right-wing booktok. To that i say, good. Don't read my fucking books then vote against my rights. Like, what the fuck. But then I started seeing the posts with their creepy anthems about standing their ground and taking a stand for whats right. Like, sure. Okay, girl.

But then I went to Threads where authors on the lists are reporting getting death threats towards them and their families. Do I think I'll be one of them, probably not. But these people aren't going to be gunning for Stephen King (he's too insulated) but there's a lot of us smaller names who are way too visible, way too vocal. Myself included. So, who knows. If history has taught us anything, it's that it could happen to anyone.

Its so stupid. A year ago, I spent my days worrying about which story I would work on, whether I'd find the right foreign rights agent, if I should be more visible online than I already am. The usual author business stuff. Now, I stay up until 4am most nights in a blind panic, researching escape plans, financial issues, passports, foreign countries, etc, if shit goes sideways.

Spoiler alert: The hull of this boat is already cracking. Meanwhile, I'm rearranging deck chairs, pretending that somehow its normal to make plans for next year when people are cheering immigrants being fed to alligators. Like...it just doesn't mentally compute.

We're all living in this weird place where every single day something 'unprecidented' happens. As a Gen X'er, I have lived through enough of those. I'm exhausted. My traumatic childhood had me just emotionally numb to let shit roll off me. I went through three years of therapy just to actually have emotions again as the world to catches on fire. Yay, me.

The problem with being a big picture autistic person, is you see their whole chess board. You know every single move the two opponents are about to make, but you have zero ability to do anything about it. Your stuck on the sidelines watching like two trains colliding in front of you. This fucking plan has been in the making since the '30s but I could have never imagined that that orange cheeto fuck would be their new messiah. My ex worked for him. Did I ever tell you guys that? For years, in the early nineties. If you think what you know about him is vile, I assure you that what I know is far worse.

Still, I try to do my part. I donate money, I speak my mind, I help as many people as I can, but hearing that people might want to harm me or my family simply because they don't like that I think all humans deserve rights, feels a little like I'm living in the upside down. Seriously, its like we timeline shifted in 2016 and now can't shift back. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. It doesn't make sense to me that this many people could be so stupid as to vote against their own self-interests, but here we are.

I am writing as much as I am because the alternative is to be alone with my thoughts and that's a dangerous place to live. I'm starting a new business, a new podcast, not only because I want to help authors, but because I'm the sole provider for six people including 2 in diapers. The majority of my staff is related to me or are my closest friends. If my career tanks, we all go down together. Which sucks. It's like writing with a sword swinging over your head that gets a little lower every day.

In my more lucid moments, I remind myself that what we see online isn't reality, that a lot of the administrations policies immediately get walked back by the courts, that in November 2026 we'll sweep the midterms (if there's still fair elections) and that people are still basically good and the evil ones are just louder.

As a witch and an astrologer, I know we're entering the age of enlightenment but that means there's a purge first, a massive paradigm shift, the pendulum swinging hard to the wrong side before the huge (much-needed) swing back to the actual enlightenment part. Its that purge that scares me.

Do I think this will last forever? No.

Do I think that millions of lives will be negatively impacted by this admin's terrifying plans for their version of the US? Yes. My uncle is a diplomat. He's lived in hostile countries where he had to integrate as a native. He spent many years in the middle east. He's had to negotiate with terrorists for the return of hostages, he's been a speech writer for the ambassador of Egypt. Like, he's lived an amazing life and has the coolest fucking stories. But whenever I see the pictures of his trips, I'm reminded that before 1979, Iran was a progressive country. Women wore secular clothes and drove cars and had an education.

Shit turns on a dime.

And those thoughts are the reason I'm not sleeping more than 3 hours a night. I'm not an alarmist or a fatalist, I'm a realist (which is kind of worse) because my benzos are no longer doing their job. My adrenaline is firing on all cylinders at all times. My adrenal glands are probably on fire. Its wearing me out. Between my auto-immune disease and my genetic heart issue that basically leaves me prone to catastrophic outo f nowhere heart attacks, I'm supposed to be taking better care of myself. Which feels laughable, you know?

All this to say that I'm working even when I'm quiet with you guys because the alternative is to unload on y'all like this. Work is the only coping mechanism I can afford and still keep everyone fed. Am I worried because some whiny right-wing booktokkers are trying to terrorize authors into silence? No, but yes.

Its reminded me that I'm far too accessible online even if Im not that accessible in real life. Those lists don't just have my pen name. They have my real name. My government fucking name. Which I never thought I had to hide, but I've always been cautious about my details. I never use my home address. I have a virtual mailbox. I work out of an office that requires every person to scan into the building and has security.

So yeah, I now know what its like to be on a banned book list. I somehow thought it would be slightly less scary than this. I have no point to writing any of this. Just more screaming into the void. You don't have to comment or anything. You don't even have to read it. I just feel better getting this shit out and you guys are (unfotunately for you) my new diary.