Adam in Suburbia - Part ∞ - A Group Chat (Patreon)

Based on a story I saw on my IG feed yesterday that said there's a massive water gun fight taking place in a 50+ community. As always unbeta'd/unedited chaos.

Noah: It finally happened. They’ve gone too far. 🤬

Archer: Are you rage baiting us? What? What happened? Hello?

Lucas: Yeah, are you phishing? 

Adam: He’s being dramatic. 

Noah: Sorry, got a phone call. I'm back. I am not being dramatic. This godforsaken place has finally claimed another victim.

Thomas: Another victim? Someone else died?!

Adam: No. Again, my husband’s flair for the dramatic is kicking in. He should have been an actor. 

Noah: You’re wearing an eye patch!

Adam: You liked it two months ago when you made me dress up as a pirate for that role play thing you begged me to try.

Mac: Dear God.

Noah: Irrelevant. Not the same thing. 

Aiden: Is someone going to tell us what is going on? Why is Adam playing Jack Sparrow?

Archer: Yeah, there’s only room for one drunken pirate in this family and I’ve held that title for decades. 

Adam: Don’t even get me started on that shit, Miley. 

Atticus: I am guessing Noah is referring to Adam getting shot in the eye. 

Thomas: What?!?!?! You’re telling us this over text? Are you in the hospital? What do you mean? Do I need to call a surgeon?

Jericho: Now who’s rage baiting, Freckles.

Aiden: Explain now before my husband has a stroke.

Adam: I was caught in the crossfire of a vicious watergun fight between Claude and Jeanette. 

Mac: Who? 

Noah: Our demented dusty ass neighbors. 

Freckles: Adam's garden club groupies.

Aiden: Water guns?

August: We’re not sure how or why but our neighbors are all engaged in an epic super soaker battle.

Lucas: As far as we can surmise, it started as beef between The Jenkins and the Angeloffs but it has now spread like a virus to the rest of the community. Every day another elderly sniper is born. 

Mac: A what now?

Asa: Picture it. Twenty-five blue haired geriatrics lying in wait with waterguns, each attempting to ambush the other.

Jericho: Its annoying as fuck. One of them had the pressure on their weapon so high it took the paint off Freckle’s car. 

Avi: Not his precious Volvo.

Freckles: Eat shit, Spare Parts.🖕

Asa: Did you just call him spare parts? I love zero fucks Freckles. The more he hangs out with Adam, the less uptight he gets. 

Felix: Don’t talk about my husband like that, Freckles. 🔪

Felix: Noah’s right though. They have to be stopped. Those crypt-keepers ruined West’s limited edition sneakers and damaged Oscar’s backpack in one go. 

Avi: Maybe don’t take the boys to play in the park in three thousand dollar sneakers and a LV backpack, kitten. 

Felix: Eat shit, spare parts. 🤬

Zane: 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Freckles: 😎

Lucas: Yeah, I’m with Noah and Felix. They’re a nuisance. One of them was so hellbent on getting a kill shot on the other, they walked right out in front of my car. I was almost guilty of vehicular homicide with my children on board. 

Zane: It would have been involuntary manslaughter at worst.

Felix: I don’t think that’s the point, Zaney. 

Adam: You could probably get them to dock time off your sentence for driving a minivan. That's punishment enough for anyone.

Lucas: 🖕

Adam: 🖕 Right back at ya. I didn't tell you to breed a whole ass soccer team.

Thomas: Is someone going to tell me why my child is wearing an eye patch?

Adam: Aw, are you worried about me, dad?

Aiden: Don’t tease your dad. 

Adam: I don’t have to listen to you. You’re not my real dad. 😏

Thomas: Adam!

Adam: Sorry.

Noah: Focus. Those coffin-shoppers shot him in the eye with a high pressure water gun. 

 Noah: The doctor said we’re lucky they didn’t detach his retina. 

Avi: Too bad. We could have gotten you one of those terminator cyber eyes. Could have come in handy.

Adam: That would be cool.

Noah: This isn't a joke. His eye is all swollen and gross and he’s getting bad headaches. 

Noah: They could have detached his retina.

Zane: I don’t know what that means and I don’t want to. I hate eyeball stuff. Ew. 

Adam: It's not even a big deal. It's my own fault. I put myself in the line of fire. 

Noah: You were trying to protect Poppy and Polly! They're so little. They could have killed them with that thing. 

Avi: That’s what happens when you buy micro-dogs, Noah. Sadie would have bodied that shot. Dexter would have just unleashed a bioweapon. His ass. 

Noah: Don’t be mean to my dogs.

Jericho: I’m with Avi on this one. I’ve almost stepped on your pocket sized pets more times than I can count. 

Adam: We could say the same about your children. And now you’re planning on bringing another hostage into the situation. Talk about a soccer team. You're working on a second league.

Freckles: Don’t call our kids hostages.

Adam: Don’t call our dogs pocket-sized.

Jericho: Our kids will grow. Your dogs will never be bigger than the average balloon animal. 

Freckles: Is there a point to this rant? I have actual work to do. 

Noah: Your slime molds can wait. This is an emergency. Do you want one of your babies losing an eye?

Freckles: If they so much as inconvenience my children, I’ll unleash my other children on this entire neighborhood. With actual bullets. 

Jericho: Freckles...What did I tell you about weaponizing our older sons? 

Freckles: I don’t remember. 

Jericho: Freckles…

Freckles: I DON’T REMEMBER. 

Jericho: Adam is a terrible influence on you. 

Freckles: You sure about that ⍶? 

Noah: Is that an alpha symbol? OMG! 

Freckles: No comment. 

August: If this is going to devolve into a talk about Freckles and Coe’s sex life, I’m dipping. I already know too much. 

Noah: I just want to know how we stop this war? 

Zane: I’m with him. Its dangerous for the children. 

Noah: Thank you.

August: To be fair, our kids are loving it.

Archer: I say this with the utmost reverence, brother. Your kids are homicidal lunatics. 

August: Thank you. But Noah does have a point, while the twins can take care of themselves, Allister and Leks are still too little. And if one of them hurts my child, they’re going meet with an unfortunate accident with or without my elder nephews. 

Asa: We could start hunting them? 

Thomas: No

Aiden: NO

Noah: Hear him out. Go on…

Thomas: Noah!

Noah: They injured my husband. Which is almost as bad as hurting one of my dogs. 

Adam: Wooooow. Almost? 🙄 Who pays your bills again?

Noah: Excuse me? I run Mulvaney Enterprises. Who pays your bills again? 👂🏻 Hmm?

Adam: I liked it better when you were entirely dependent on me. 

Noah: I bet. 

Felix: Stop pouting, Adam. 

Felix: Adam propose a battle royale. A winner takes all kind of thing and then you all can hunt these assholes down and beat them at their own game. 

Avi: I love it when you’re bloodthirsty, kitten.

Felix: 🐈

Zane: Do you think they’ll take the bait?

Adam: They will if I ask them too. They love me. I’m their god. 

Noah: Easy, Caligula. 

Adam: Who?

August: Jesus, crack a book sometime.

Adam: Pretty people don’t have to read. 

Felix: Slap that on a bumper sticker. I’ll buy it.

Zane: You’re one of the smartest people I know, Lixie. 

Asa: Lois is right, Lix. 

Felix: 💅🏽

Adam: Why is nobody defending me as smart? 

Lucas: Do you need us to spell it out for you?

Asa: If you do, use small words. 🤣🤣🤣

Adam: Dad, they’re picking on me.

Thomas: Boys, leave your brother alone. 

Adam: 😏

Thomas: Not all of us can be geniuses. 

Adam: 😧 Wow. 

Thomas: You have plenty of other attributes. 

Adam: Like what?

Thomas: Uh, lets focus on the problem at hand. 

Noah: Don’t worry, baby. I know how smart you are. 

Adam: Thanks. ☺️

Mac: How much longer are we going to be held hostage on this thread? 

Archer: Mac’s right. We have psychopaths to wrangle. 

Felix: We all do. You’re not special. 

Mac: You birthed your psychopaths.

Lucas: I assure you, I did not. 

Mac: You, Cricket, same thing. That’s on you. This is our job. 

Lucas: You chose that job. That’s on you. 

Archer: Then let us get back to it?

Avi: Are we taking out these geriatric menaces or what?

August: How would this face off work?

Adam: I’ll call a meeting with the garden club and bring your proposal to the table. They’ll confer with the HOA and give us a verdict. 

August: Make it quick or I’ll start picking them off myself. 

Adam: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get it. You’re the scary one. 

Mac: Okay, great. Good chat. In the future can you just leave us out of the whole Serenity Grove gossip chain? We don’t even live there? 

Felix: Yet.

Noah: No. You’re family. You’re stuck with us and our drama. Deal with it. 

Freckles: Keep us posted, One-Eyed Willie. 

Felix: A Goonies reference? From Freckles? Crazy. 

Zane: Jericho’s dick must be life-changing. 

Noah: No wonder Freckles calls him alpha. 

Thomas has left the chat

Aiden has left the chat

Archer has left the chat

Mac has left the chat

Freckles has left the chat

Jericho has left the chat

August has left the chat

Lucas has left the chat

Adam has left the chat

Zane: Was it something I said. 🤣 

Felix: I don’t want to know about my brothers magical dick.

Felix has left the chat

Noah: I do. What do you know? 

Zane: What do you know? 

Noah: I’m calling.