Maniac - Necessary Evils #7 - Ch. 7 (Patreon)

As always unedited, unbeta'd and subject to change slightly depending on how things go. 

Thomas

“Where did I leave off?” Thomas asked.

“Shane’s ulterior motives,” Aiden said gently.

Something died inside him at his patient tone. He could handle Aiden being hostile, furious, argumentative…but not this. Not the softness. Fuck. He didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to tell this story. How could he squeeze the most confusing three years of his life into one cohesive narrative?

Had he really thought he’d be able to go his whole life without admitting his part in his family’s murders? He clutched his glass in his fist, trying to quell some of the shaking, at least long enough to get the words out. Maybe he needed to detach? Tell the story clinically? Like it happened to a patient? Would that make it easier? Did he even deserve easy?

No. He didn’t.

Thomas took a deep breath and let it out. “Looking back, I think I was…flattered. I-Shane was all I had. My only friend. Choosing him wasn’t a hard decision. It wasn’t a decision at all. He was my only choice. But Shane had a million friends and he chose me. He ignored them all for me. They didn’t get it. I didn’t either if I’m being honest. But I was grateful. After thirteen years as a ghost, someone finally saw me. Chose me. I was…” Thomas closed his eyes. “An easy target.”

Shane’s attention had been like the sun on his face after living in darkness, but Thomas didn’t say that. Shane didn’t deserve that praise. It had all been so fucking contrived. And thinking about how stupid and naive he’d been just made his stomach churn.

“He convinced me that the others didn’t get what it was like to be us. That they didn’t know what it was like to have parents who demanded everything but gave us nothing. He protected me, listened when I talked, validated my feelings, hid with me at our parent’s parties. He convinced me nobody would ever get me like he did.”

Thomas’s heart skipped as memories flooded back. Shane’s smile. Thomas had once thought it was the best thing in the world, but now it seemed evil, as evil and deceitful as Shane himself.

“Thomas…”

When he realized he’d fallen silent, he shook his head. “I didn’t know what he was doing.”

Thomas didn’t realize he’d spoken the words out loud until Aiden said, “What do you mean?”

“Looking back, it was textbook, really. Isolation. He didn’t need any help with that. I was already lonely. Then it was liquor. Not enough to get me drunk, but just enough to make me more receptive. After that was porn. It was totally normal for boys to…help each other out.”

“Are you saying-”

“I see it now, obviously,” Thomas said, cutting him off. “The…grooming. But at the time, I just wanted to make him happy. Wanted him to keep liking me. He was cute. I was gay. It wasn’t like I didn’t already have a massive crush on him but I wasn’t ready for what he wanted. I was barely thirteen and he was almost sixteen. I see what a massive age gap that is now. But it didn’t feel that way then. I was in way too deep.”

“You and he…” Aiden trailed off.

Thomas shook his head and took another sip of his drink, letting the alcohol burn its way down. He was grateful Aiden didn’t finish the sentence.

“It somehow happened slowly, but also overnight. We would do things…sexually, but then we would just go back to being friends. Then suddenly he said I was his boyfriend, but that we had to keep it a secret. He said people wouldn’t understand. He never even asked, he just declared it so. And, as usual, I never questioned it.”

“You were thirteen.”

Thomas turned to look at Aiden, then back at the fire. “I had a genius level IQ. I was studying psychology. I should have seen the warning signs.”

“You wouldn’t say that if this happened to someone else,” Aiden assured him.

That was true. But it hadn’t happened to anybody else. It had happened to Thomas. He should have known better. Should have seen the warnings. They were everywhere. Red flags. Alarm bells. Sirens. Thomas had ignored them all.

“At first, it was nice. Like a secret just between us. But almost immediately he started getting weird. Jealous. Possessive. I was so…confused. One minute, he was my best friend, the next he would be mad at me for some perceived slight. I’d talked to a girl, looked at another boy too long, smiled at a teacher. I found myself constantly apologizing. I was getting whiplash.”

You like making me jealous. You just can’t stand not having constant attention.

What did I do?

You should just go back to your dorm room tonight. It’s not like we were going to do anything anyway.

“I didn’t get that the situation was toxic. It didn’t seem abusive. It seemed…dramatic, I guess. But my parents were plenty dramatic. The constant push and pull felt normal. The cycle of feeling bad, apologizing, then getting his attention back was…what I knew. I spent years with parents who pretended I didn’t exist, so to have Shane be so possessive felt good.”

He didn’t really want to talk about this next part. Especially to Aiden. He’d already seen the worst of Thomas, but this was just one more layer scraped away. He was already one big open wound. He wasn’t sure how much more he could take.

“He wanted more than we were already doing…physically. He wanted everything, but I was scared. We fought about it constantly with him trying to push me into more almost every night until I was afraid to go to sleep because I knew I’d wake up with him touching me.”

“Did you share a dorm?”

“No. But a locked door never stopped Shane in his life. He wanted something, he got it. Except that. With me.” Thomas took a healthy swallow of his drink. “I was fourteen by then and he was almost seventeen. He tried every tired line to get me to see that he ‘needed’ sex. That it wasn’t a big deal. But I just had this thing in my head…I wasn’t ready. Finally, he just stopped.”

“Stopped?”

“Yeah, he stopped being affectionate, stopped wanting to do anything…intimate. He told me he was fine with me not being ready for a relationship—Even though that’s not what I’d said—And then he brought home Holly.”

“Holly?” Aiden echoed.

Pain arched through Thomas as he remembered the hurt of seeing the girl’s face. She’d been everything Thomas wasn’t. Beautiful. Smart. Funny. Age appropriate.

“Mm. He brought her to my parents Christmas party. Introduced her to everybody as his girlfriend. Made sure I heard him. Made sure I got to see him dote on her all night. When I got upset, he dragged me upstairs to tell me that he had needs and that he loved me, but Holly was old enough for a real relationship. He told me if I stopped being a baby about adult things and just accept that Holly was his girlfriend, then we could go back to the way things were.”

“What did that mean?” Aiden asked.

Thomas closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the chair. “It meant when we were alone together we’d kiss, make out, fool around, he’d keep pushing for me to do more, but when Holly was there, I was just his friend. At least at first.”

When Thomas didn’t continue, Aiden stood, taking his glass and refilling it before sitting once more. Thomas took another healthy swallow. He wished he could be more concise. He knew he was rambling but there was just so much that happened back then. Too much to ever share in one sitting. He had no way of explaining the pain, the torment, the constant push and pull of never quite knowing where he stood with the only person in his life who’d ever shown him any affection.

“He was pushing us around like pieces on a chess board. But neither of us noticed at first. He wanted to see how much he could get away with. How far he could push us, before we’d refuse to do as he asked. It was a game to him. She was jealous of me. Of course, I was jealous of her too. I hated her. She was pretty and sweet and socially acceptable. Exactly who Shane McEvoy should be dating. Which is what he wanted.”

“He was pitting you against each other.”

Thomas nodded. “And it worked. We both worked extra hard to give Shane what he wanted. I even…stopped fighting him off when it came to sex. I let him…take what he wanted. I thought if I just did it, he’d get rid of Holly. But that didn’t happen. He wanted us both. Together.”

“Together?”

Thomas nodded. “He set it up so she would find us together. It was like he wanted to gauge her reaction. I think he hoped on some level she’d want to join in. But she was horrified. Heartbroken. She lost her mind, screaming and crying until Shane had to shove her against the door and cover her mouth before we all got caught in his dorm room.”

Her words still echoed in Thomas’s head. Crystal clear. You always pick him. Always. I knew there was something weird going on between the two of you. You’re fucking disgusting. He’s a little kid and he’s your family. I’m going to tell everybody what you’re doing.

“She threatened to tell the whole school. She threatened to tell our parents. I was terrified. I begged him to fix this. If our parents found out, I’d never see the light of day again. They’d ship me somewhere overseas, for sure. Shane was so calm. He told me not to worry. That nobody would believe her.”

“Did she tell?”

Thomas watched the flames dance in the fireplace, giving a stilted shake of his head. “No. She never really got the chance. Shane trashed her credibility before she could ever even think to start spreading rumors. He said he’d dumped her for another girl and she was just trying to get even. That she’d threatened to ruin his reputation. He did a good job of making sure nobody believed the truth. Which was why nobody believed her when she said he assaulted her. Not even me.”

“Assaulted…”

Thomas downed the rest of his glass. “Yes. She claimed he raped her in her dorm room.”

“Did he?”

“Probably,” Thomas said. “I-I didn’t believe her at the time. He’d never forced himself on me. Not really, anyway. Guilted, coerced, manipulated, yes. But straight up forced…no. I convinced myself she was just mad that he’d broken up with her, that she was mad he chose me. That made it easier for me to stay in my denial. After that it was just the two of us again. Sex seemed a small price to pay for his undivided attention.”

Thomas snuck a glance at Aiden whose mouth was a hard line, jaw tensed, quietly seething. “It was a long time ago, Aiden.”

“He took advantage of you. You were a little kid.”

Thomas shook his head. “We were both kids. Honestly, if it had just ended there, it might not have been so bad. Just a future therapy bill. If my parents had just left well enough alone, things probably would have turned out much differently.”

Aiden’s gaze jerked to his. “Your parents found out?”

“No.” Thomas shrugged. “Well, maybe. We don’t know what happened, but our parents stopped speaking. No more joint parties, shared vacations, family holidays. Nothing. My father said I was no longer to speak to Shane in school. That for all intents and purposes, that part of the family was dead to us.”

“No explanation given?”

Thomas shook his head. “Our families didn’t really feel the need to explain themselves. They just expected to be obeyed. But I was in way too deep with Shane. He was the only thing I had in the world. The only person who loved me. At least that’s what he said anyway. That he loved me. I didn’t believe him, but I wanted the words just the same. I was desperate for them.”

“With a family like yours, you were a perfect target for someone like him.”

Thomas tried to smile, but failed. “My father had spies everywhere. It only took a couple of weeks before he realized that Shane and I were still…friends. He dragged me back home, locked me in my room for my entire spring break and said if he found us together again, he’d send me to boarding school in Switzerland. In my head, it was all very Romeo and Juliet.”

“Did you…stop seeing Shane?” Aiden asked carefully.

Thomas shook his head. “No…” he managed. “I-”

“You what?”

He set in motion the events that would change the course of his life forever. He planted seeds that would eventually grow the most poisonous fruit. He inadvertently made the worst decision he’d ever made in his entire fucking life. He…

“I killed them,” he managed, voice raw.

It was a gross oversimplification of a nightmare. But it was true nonetheless. For better or worse, Thomas had killed his family. And it all started with what came next.

He could feel Aiden’s gaze boring into him. “What does that mean, Tommy?”

Thomas could feel his panic trying to climb its way up his throat, making his words stick until he felt like he’d choke on them. “I was mad. Furious. I didn’t mean it.”

“Mean what?”

Thomas ignored him, just trying to get it all out. “I’d just come off two weeks of what was essentially solitary confinement. I hadn’t heard or seen another person in days and days. No television. No radio. Not even books. I was going out of my mind. Completely cut off from the world.”

“What happened?” Aiden prodded.

Thomas shook his head. “I hated them. I need you to know that. I hated my parents more than anything in the world. But I loved my siblings. We weren’t close. My parents wouldn’t allow it, but I loved them. I didn’t blame them. But I also never excluded them from my wrath either.”

“What wrath?”

Thomas wiped the tear that rolled down his cheek. His insides churned as he tugged on these long buried memories. “When I got back to school, Shane was waiting for me. He was sweet and attentive and everything I’d been lacking for the last two weeks, so when we were lying there in his bed I told him exactly how I felt.”

“Which was…”

“I told him I hope they died. My parents. His parents. I said I hope they get in a car crash or their plane falls out of the sky. I just wanted them gone. I couldn’t handle it anymore. He made a joke about it and I laughed and after that it just became a game. A way to blow off steam. We would joke about how we’d kill our parents and run off together.”

Thomas swallowed the lump in his throat. “I need you to know I wasn’t serious. I know it sounds sick and twisted, but I didn’t want them dead. Or maybe I did but I didn’t want Teddy or Thea to die. They were babies. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it.”

“What happened?” Aiden asked yet again.

Thomas shook his head. “I made him mad.”

“You made him mad?”

Thomas nodded slowly. “Another girl came forward alleging he’d assaulted her. Shane said it was another lie. Another girl trying to get even with him. But I didn’t believe him this time. I could see the pattern emerging. Whenever he would get amped up, hostile, frustrated with me, he would disappear. It happened the night Holly claimed he assaulted her and then again the night this new girl made the allegation. I said maybe we just needed a break while he got things sorted.”

“And that made him mad?”

Thomas glanced over at him. “That made him furious. It was my first real glimpse at who Shane was. At what he was.”

“What he was?” Aiden echoed.

“Yeah.”

Aiden shifted in his seat. “Which was what?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Thomas asked. “Shane was a psychopath.”

A textbook psychopath even. Cunning. Manipulative. Lacking in guilt, remorse or empathy. A psychopath who’d been left unchecked for years. No matter how many times he ran the events over in his head, he couldn’t pinpoint exactly when the turning point was. Was there ever a period of time where he could have prevented his family’s deaths?

Thomas wanted to go back. He wanted to create a time machine and go back and undo all the shit he’d said and done that led to him handing over his family to a fucking monster, but it was too late.

Aiden was silent for a long time but Thomas couldn’t bring himself to continue. Finally, he said, “Tommy. Did Shane kill your family?”

A quiet sob escaped before he could hold it back. He took a minute to collect himself. “I ignored him. I thought if I just left him alone, eventually he would get it and leave me be, like he’d done with Holly. But that wasn’t the case. The more I ignored him, the more desperate he got.”

“He killed them for revenge.”

It was a statement, not a question, but Thomas shook his head. “If that was the case, maybe I could have found a way to live with it. A sick violent boy taking his revenge. But that’s not why he did it.”

“Then why?”

Thomas dug his fingers into his eyes, but no amount of pressure could stop the tears falling. “He said it was his love letter to me.”

“What?”

“He killed them for me. To make me happy. To win me back. He did it, because in his sick, fucking head, they were all that stood between us. And he had found the perfect solution.”

“Tommy…”

Thomas shook his head. “He killed them because I told him, again and again, that they were the only thing that stood between us, and he took me at my word. They’re dead because of me.”