NF - Mansion (Personal Shit) (Patreon)

If you don't want to hear about my drama and trauma, ignore this post. Please!!!! If you're new, I tend to word vomit and TMI every six months or so about my private life. Trigger Warning: Mental health, trauma, and talk of unalivingAnyone who's been here a while knows that I had a little nervous breakdown last November. And by little, I mean I was circling the drain, getting my affairs in order, ready to punch my ticket to the afterlife for good. Well, I believe in reincarnation, but believe me when I say I was ready to tell whoever's on the other side that I was done with this simulation. I'm not coming back.  I can't believe it's been a year. Wow. So anyway, I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist and a trauma therapist to deal with my fucked up childhood and all of the horrible shit I've gone through in my life and I stumbled onto this song and it kind of punched me in the face. I have a really hard time voicing my feelings about my past. Like, a really really hard time. Six therapists deep and still can't talk about it hard. Haven't cried in three fucking years hard. But this song...this is exactly it. This is me. I sent the song to my therapist, like here, this is what's going on in my head. Fix it. It's like all the shit I can't say out loud to people. I'm sharing this because I have been told I don't share enough in real life and because honestly, I still can't share this with people I see face to face so I'm using you guys as my personal diary. Sorry, not sorry. LOL. Also, I'm sure there's people who can also relate to this song. Word of warning, though. If you've never heard NF, prepare yourself cause he never sugar coats shit and if you've got trauma, you will be right back in it. Like I said, I'm in my feelings today and I'm trying to process stuff and you guys are the latest victims of that. Why am I down this rabbit hole, you might ask? Because someone very innocently asked about The Alchemist's Son. They wanted the ending to the story or, more to the point, they wanted to know if there was an ending. There isn't. And it eats at me. I'm a perfectionist with a PhD in self loathing and a minor in imposter syndrome. I'm super hard on myself (and others, but that's a whole other therapy session) This is only one of two stories I've never finished. But i can't finish it. I know that sounds weird, but I physically cannot finish the story. At least not yet.  I was writing TAS while simultaneously going through one of the worst times in my life. Like this-might-be-one-of-the-last-things-I-ever-write times. Even while I was planning my exit, I was trying to be practical about it. I was doing my best to finish Necessary Evils because I thought that series would be my legacy and as long as it still sold my kid wouldn't be homeless and my readers wouldn't hate me for never finishing the series. I could go out having accomplished something.It was a medication issue that triggered this whole series of unfortunate events last year. Being taken off of it, that is. While I've been fucked up in the head since I was little, I was really good at hiding it. Still am, honestly. But last year stripped all my vices and almost ended me. Almost. Thanks to my child who got me help, I rallied. And because of that, I am now trying to be an adult and handle my past so it stops trying to kill me. Hence all of this self-reflection and shadow work.Sooooooo, yeah. I'm so going to regret writing this later when I come to my senses. Sorry for yet again unleashing TMI on you, but like I said, sometimes I just have to get this out, and I don't have the balls to say it to people face to face. Not even my therapist. Hah. If you made it this far, thanks for reading, and thanks for somehow sticking around through all of this. You guys are the real MVPs. Hopefully, you don't unsubscribe after this. LOL.