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Content Warning: The following post speaks very candidly about Suicidal Ideation.

Instructions: The video is meant to be played while reading, turn the volume up or use headphones, please!

I am not Suicidal, but Suicidal Ideation is a part of who I am. I can trace that line all the way back into my childhood. But the truth is that line has existed in my family for generations. When I began to become a Witch it was suggested by another that I become a Death Witch.

Us humans can't help thinking about dying and death. It's only natural. We know so little about death, perhaps even less about life.

Two weeks ago there was a shift from me thinking about being dead to wanting to die. It was a frightening experience. The last time I crossed that line was September 15th 2017.

Both times I had a nervous breakdown, but this time was different. In September I had barely begun to practice Mindfulness and Self-Love. By March 15th I had over a year of experience under my belt.

Automatically I left the house to go on a hike. I was going to walk for as long as it took for my physical exhaustion to overwhelm my Depression. I wept as I marched, and pleaded for help from the gods, spirits, and ancestors.

I was debating whether or not to call for professional help when a cat wandered in front of my path. I made the call. They had no openings until June. A strange mixture of fatigue, defeat, and love washed over me. I began to trudge back home.

Along the way I stopped to see one of my friends, a massive Pine that I love.

With all my sacred trees I stop and place a hand on their bark and caress by walking in orbit around the trunk. Once I make a full circle I offer my blessing, this time I was in tears:

May you be safe.

May you happy.

May you be healthy.

May you live with ease.

May your ancestors rest in peace.

Before I could finish my circle I came across a broken limb of the Pine that had fallen. It was barbed, and splintered, and cracked. The kind of wood you'd only use to feed a fire. I saw myself lying there, and knew it was a gift.

I took it home and have been working on both the wood and myself ever since. Those same words of blessing I painted onto scrolls, and bound to the staff.

Days later I found myself at peace, a feeling I hadn't felt in over a month. I had access to a car and made a spontaneous trip to my favorite woods - where I made that recording - and wrote a poem.

March15th,1:50pm

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